I get it. Time keeps ticking. We are forced to keep moving with the motion of the clock.. There is a small part of me though that wishes I could go back. A part of me that wants a second chance to pay more attention so the memories are clearer and crisper in my mind. I was looking at a picture of my son from four years ago. He looks so small and naive at 11 years old. He was still my baby then and I felt like I had the power to protect him. He turns 15 tomorrow and the physical changes between then and now are astonishing. I can only wonder how many changes have occurred internally. The world changes as we get older. At least our perception of it does. Our openness slowly narrows, our faith gets tangled. Our beliefs change and get challenged with the passing of each new day. Four years ago he was a different boy. I was different back then too. Change is inevitable and necessary but once in awhile I long for the simplicity of years ago. I miss the days when we would throw the sleeping bags and pillows on the floor and make a mess with popcorn as we argued over which movie to watch. I miss the days I didn’t know I couldn’t hold onto my kids forever and I was too caught up to ever think there would come a time those days of camping out on the floor would come to an end. As I sit here today, I realize more than ever how little control I have over anything. All I can do is hope that the good moments slow down long enough to imprint the permanence of this memory of him in my mind. I know I can’t physically go back but as long as I have the memories I can linger there from time to time. It seems like yesterday, I was bringing him home from the hospital on that rainy day. How did fifteen years pass by so fast? It seems like a blur. He’s desperately trying to grow up too fast and I’m desperately trying to hold onto my little boy. Happy birthday Chase. Slow down just a little because I’m having a tough time keeping up. Time waits for no-one. Ready or not, here it comes.
Today I woke up fully understanding how much of what we do can be a catalyst of stress for another human being. Sometimes it is intentional and other times, like in this example, it is not.
I have this intense need and desire for calm. I moved out to the country because part of feeling calm requires a certain level of quiet for me. I don’t like noise and several noises cause me anxiety. Last night it was the wind. Oklahoma wind is not ordinary. Winds here cause amazing damage added to the fact that my house is on tornado alley, contribute to the anxiety that stirs inside of me. The neighbors are building a garage and every morning I wake up to hours of banging. Bang, bang, bang added to the wind already affects me. I think part of the reason I love yoga so much is because it is the only place I can seem to find that offers the level of calm and quiet I crave.
This is just a reminder that what we do has an effect. It travels out like a wave and causes some type of reaction in other people. Remember to stay aware. Remember our words and actions and posts reach far beyond what we ever imagine. As for me, I will be in search of some quiet today, at least until this storm inside of me quiets down so I can tolerate the one outside.
My mom forwards me some really silly things on Facebook Messenger. Sometimes I stare at the screen and ask myself, why in the world is she sending me this? The last few days she hasn’t hasn’t been feeling well and my messages have become eerily silent. Sometimes we don’t realize how much something means to us until it’s gone. Every time she starts to get symptoms again I get really scared. Her health has been a challenge the last few years and it’s never going to move back in the other direction. I know she won’t be around forever. None of us will but the thought of someday not being able to talk to her on the other end of the phone everyday fills my heart with a pain that is far too deep for words. Tonight I am reminded that life is precious. We have to love people while we are fortunate enough to have them around to love. We have to make the call to say you matter, you are so important to me. Life can change in an instant and we have to have lived and loved enough to always be prepared for the most unexpected scenarios. Reach out to someone and let them know you care. That is the greatest gift you can offer someone…your time, and attention, your affection and your appreciation for having them in your life. Put your time into the people and things that really matter. Make every minute count.
What made you smile today?
I have enjoyed this week more than most. Spring is definitely in the air and this is day three being stress free. Sometimes you can only see something if you are actively looking for it. I have been looking for things to make me smile in the most unusual places and it’s been working better than I ever imagined. We get more of what we focus on so I am choosing to focus on the things that make me happy. Your turn! What made you smile today?
As the sun goes down, I am reminded that this day is coming to an end. Every single day that passes is one less day I have left to live. I don’t tell myself these things to feel depressed, I remind myself to take advantage of and appreciate every day. I can spend my time worrying and stressing about the things I will never be able to change or I can find every reason to find something worthwhile in everyday. I sometimes I forget I have a choice. I may not be able to pick and choose my circumstances but I do have power over how I respond to anything and everything that happens. I am committed to living a better life. I am focused on keeping this place of calm where everything is put nearly into perspective so that I can enjoy my time here on this beautiful earth and look forward to getting out of bed to see what wonderful surprises the day might hold. Healthy, happy thoughts take commitment and practice and I feel myself getting better and stronger with each new day. We can choose our thoughts so why not pick more good ones? We are meant to be happy and sometimes the only thing preventing that happiness is our own voice. It’s never too late to make a change.
You know you’ve been living your life all wrong when you wake up feeling a sense of dread instead of the excited energy that makes you want to jump out of bed. This week has been a much needed break from the daily responsibilities of life. We don’t realize how much we do or how stressed we are until we get a little break from our usual routine. This spring break has been a time of hope. A reminder of how life is supposed to be and how happy and grateful I am meant to feel. I hope I can carry this snapshot back into the “real world” as a motivation to live a better, happier, more relaxed way of life. I sometimes focus on so many small things that they become so much bigger than they actually are. This is a reminder to keep things in perspective and not create a narrative bigger than the story has to be. Happy Sunday everyone. May your day be filled with joy and purpose.
Don’t ever let anyone define or limit your worth.You are limitless, one of a kind, amazing in your own unique way. You are more than they will ever see. Go out and shine that light that was meant for you. You matter. You make a difference. This is your reminder!