Every now and then we have an epiphany, an experience of sudden realization that changes our lives in a profound way. It sure doesn’t come when we are searching for it, but has a way of quietly sneaking up and catching us when we least expect it. I think it’s only fair if I first share some of the story that led me to this point.
My son and I were in the kitchen earlier today. He saw me dancing around and wiping off the counter when he said the words that sent me into a tailspin of thinking. He told me he didn’t think anything could make my happy broken. “What did you say?” Again he repeated, “I don’t think anything could make your happy broken. Look, you are smiling for no reason right now.” WOW! The powerful message behind those 9 innocent words. I had just spent years of my life with my happy broken and yet nobody took the time to TELL ME about it. At least not until this 10 year old genius pointed it out.
I have struggled the last few years. At times, I really felt my time was not my own. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on what was wrong, but I could easily embrace the guilt that came a long with my feeling of dreadful emptiness. I had a great life…a wonderful husband who worked hard to give us a lifestyle filled with opportunities so many people would never have. Two great kids that stayed out of trouble who I absolutely adored. A family that is supportive and who I will be eternally grateful for. So, why did I feel all this doom and gloom deep beneath the surface? I should have been floating around on cloud 9 because I had this perfect life, and the guilt was slowly eating me alive, one hour at a time.
I used to always say that people sucked the life out of me. It was easier to blame this on everyone around me, rather than look deeper into myself. Today it occurred to me that I was looking for love, validation, and acceptance in all the wrong places. I counted on the people around me to give me what I needed especially when I was down and out. But with the help of my son and more specifically my yoga practice, I realized where the happy got fixed, at least my happy anyway.
We all have a tank inside that comes with an internal gauge of when our tank is empty, or our tank is full. What we don’t come equipped with though is a menu they helps us order what we need to fill that tank up. Wouldn’t be it be easy and wonderful if we had some clue to what we need, instead of always guessing? Its different for all of us and it changes from day to day. But, it is a must if we are really looking for a way to find our happy. I’d like to tell you how I fixed mine.
When I step into a room that is 100 degrees and I attempt to work out it seems near impossible. At least, it did at first. I would do these poses with my weak body trembling while struggling to take in enough air to help me breathe. It didn’t take long though, until the trembling stopped. I would hold those poses and felt physically strong. And, while learning to focus on my breath, I trusted that just that focus alone would offer the endurance I needed to get through anything, on or off the mat. So now, I felt strong, had endurance, and confidence that would sustain me through the most difficult times. Then came the mind part… It is amazing, the peacefulness that comes along with finding your human garbage can. A place that you can walk in and dump your thoughts, feelings, or your whole day and leave them right there where you would never have to revisit or experience them again….EVER!
So, I am not saying Yoga is the fix for everyone, but I thank God that it gave me what I needed to fix me. Yes, you read that right. The strength, love, acceptance, hope, motivation, and validation are all inside of me. My tank is never empty and no-one else could ever fill it up. I just needed to clear out my garbage so I could reconnect with my inner self, that part of myself that knows exactly what it is I need and is waiting for me to reach in and take it. So, my inner tank will always be full, and my happy can never be broken again. The beautiful part of this story is that other people can see my happy, they notice it, and it spills over and affects them in a deep and meaningful way. Now that I have an unlimited supply I can gladly share it with everyone around me, and what is better than a gift that keeps on giving everywhere you go!