Control

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How do we fight our constant need for control? I am feeling very unsettled today. I know with spring break coming to a close the old familiar to do list of life will be greeting me at 6:30 tomorrow morning. This constant struggle to find balance has been a lesson 42 years in the making and today, I believe I had a small yet painful breakthrough. I couldn’t help shake the anxiety that has been creeping inside of me since the moment I woke up. I am feeling unsettled and agitated which is not at all how I want to spend this day. I have been working really hard at getting my inside in order. You know that quiet place where you sit in the presence of inner peace. However, somewhere along the way my scale tipped a little too far to the left and I lost control of my outside world and the world around me. I guess the day I impulsively cut off my hair should have been a sign of my impending doom. The more my inside calms, the more I need my outside to match or balance. So, I have skipped Yoga for 2 weeks and let my household chores slip out from underneath me. However, I let the kids relax and bring kids over to hang out nearly every day. So today, I started ripping at my makeup drawer. I have been scrubbing and cleaning and organizing to just find a little bit of that peace to replace my anxiety with. So, I guess I need to nurture all my different sides and find a way to keep them all in balance. Needless to say, I will be spring cleaning this week and getting back to Yoga and meditation. Catering to my spirit while neglecting my mind and body will never get me where I need to be. I will find a way to get it all done in between violin concerts, my husbands end of quarter at work, play practice, doctor appointments, and Chases birthday in the middle of the week. I guess I have a mild version of OCD. I think maybe we all do. One of my favorite sayings is, when you know better, you do better. Today is my week to start all over. This time, I will do better.

2 thoughts on “Control

  1. Good luck to you! I hope you are able to nurture all the sides of yourself that need and deserve loving care and compassion. I think it can be hard to do that, but it’s such a wonderful thing when we succeed. (Well, I say “we” … but I’ve never been successful at this. >.O)

    I ended Spring Break totally exhausted because of church stuff. The Easter Vigil was a huge one for our family this year, but there were a lot of things leading up to it — LOL. It’s a good kind of exhaustion, but here we are nearly at the end of the week and I still feel sooooo tired.

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