Sometimes I get this feeling of dread. I don’t always talk about it because in the eyes of the world my feelings would be judged in a negative way. The truth is I don’t really care. One thing I am is honest to the point. Often times that gets me in trouble but I would rather bluntly speak the truth than appease those around me with a misrepresentation of the truth or a lie. So, the truth is, sometimes I need a mini vacation from being a mom. It’s no secret that I have stayed home to be the best, most present mom that I can actually be. I am lucky and blessed to have this opportunity, but it has also made me a prisoner to the role. The responsibility, the worry, the personal failures I feel when something is not going right in my kids lives is excruciating. Sometimes I want a day that I don’t need to know who needs to go where, when they need to go, and I don’t want to have to be the one to drive them. I need a day that I am not dreading checking the school online site to see who handed their work in and who got a good or bad grade. I don’t want to spend hours each night awake wondering if my kids have the skills they need to get through each chapter of their lives or whether the lack of communication that often happen between parent and teen is enough for them to come to me if something is really wrong.
It sounds awful I know. I know this because sometimes I try to vent to my mom and she tells me it’s awful. That’s just what moms do, react and judge. Maybe because we are so solely responsible and connected that we take things so very personally. I can hear her thinking, “what a shame, I never felt that way.” I think its easy to forget these feelings when we look back on our role as a mom as a whole. We forget the hard and challenging times, because in the end, more times than not, they are outweighed by the good. But, these are my feelings and are buried so deep inside begging to be let out. I realize it is okay to admit I need some mental time to relieve me of the burden of being in charge of everyone’s schedule, everyone’s dilemma, everyone’s needs. Sometimes, I just need to be me. That me I was when I was only responsible for my own actions, schedule, successes and failures. When I didn’t hold myself personally responsible for the weight of the world but just my own 120 pounds. It gets heavy, and exhausting, and discouraging and harder every year that goes by. Am I the only person in the world, parent in the world that feels this way? I highly doubt it. But everywhere I look moms are playing the part of pretending being a mom is the best thing since apple pie. Truth is, some days it really is. Those other days though, when we are broken inside it would be so nice to know there is someone else in the world feeling the exact same way too…tired, overwhelmed, anxious about the future, and defeated. Am I the only one? I guess I will never actually know because it is so taboo to speak in such a way. No one loves their kids more than I do. I thank God for them every single day. Somedays though, like today, I just need a little relief from the responsibility that comes along with loving two people more than anything else in the whole world. For wishing that they find success in everything they do or healthy coping mechanisms to deal with their failures, challenges and obstacles. I need to stop worrying about them growing up in a difficult and changing world filled with a different set of accepted morals and values than I grew up in. I need to let go of the worry that life will pass them by while they are distracted by texting and twerking and growing up way faster than I ever had to. I need to stop worrying that the absence of consequences all around them when it comes to schoolwork or behavior will not overcome my lessons of personal accountability when it comes to their school work, personal choices, and actions. I need to just stop worrying…for a minute, and hour, just for a little bit of time. But then again, I am mom, and that’s just what we do.
