A New Perspective For Myself

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The second I set myself down in bed last night my heart felt a whole lot lighter. There are days and moments and events that elate us and leave us feeling so grateful that our entire body tingles with gratitude. Last night was one of those nights.

I have been so down lately. It’s noticeable and people call me out on it. They get frustrated when I am not quoting positivity and pointing out the silver lining in every situation. Truth is I have been down, depressed and trying to fight my way back. I believe last night was the first step. I am generally positive by nature. I can look around me and know I have many blessings and opportunities that many others don’t have. I also don’t sugar coat the obvious things that are crumbling down all around me. It’s hard for me to trust. I have a pretty tough exterior and although my heart is bigger than I show I often am hard and vocally honest. I am hard on people and circumstances and I sometimes shut myself off from anybody and everything going on around me. There’s a little girl that hides beneath the exterior that has been hurt and let down and I guess it’s the person others greet that protects her. I’m not sure anyone really knows me through interactions. It’s through my writing and this blog that she safely uses her voice to share with the world her true identity. It has saved her and I am grateful for this outlet to let her live.

So, back to being down. I don’t really want to talk about that now but what picked me back up. I’ve had a couple of breakthroughs lately. I let my daughter dye a peekaboo piece of hair teal green. Yep! You read it right…green! What the heck was I thinking? Not much if you were to ask my mother. She was very willing to tell me what a bad decision I had made. Hmmmmm…. I thought about this for awhile and tried to figure out why it was bothering me so much. Then I got it. I was worried that other parents would label her a freak or “one of those kids”. Then I worried about what they would think of me as a parent. Truth is, it’s a piece of hair. The green won’t last forever and really does anyone even have the right to judge? They will. There’s no doubt. That’s what we do, gossip and judge. The question here is why do I care so much? You are probably wondering where I’m going with this. It didn’t take long after the traumatic hair dying for Kayleigh to open up to me in a way she hadn’t before. I realized that I had to honor and protect the little girl in her and not be so hard on her while trying to protect her. We all need that, someone to accept us and love us and be excited about the person we are without judgement or criticism. It was an important moment between us and helped put a little green hair into perspective. Sometimes I look at her and picture it as the teenage witch showing itself through her hair and then, I laugh.

My other moment was last night. Chase had his last cross country meet. Everyone knows how devastated I was when he quit halfway through his first race, and here we were same place, same time, different day. I was secretly dreading it. I took a different approach than ever before and probably much different than other parents would. I told him he would finish out the season and only have to run this 1 race, and if he felt he couldn’t go the distance he could stop at anytime. I told him I just wanted him to have the opportunity to give it one more shot and if his best was halfway around, then that was good enough to me. I just didn’t make it a big deal. It was one to me because it breaks my heart to see the pattern of him giving up. I just thought that maybe if I didn’t focus on success being finishing but doing his best that from me, mom, that would be enough. Needless to say, I did not breathe for the 20 minutes it took him to run, but when I finally saw him nearing the finish line I couldn’t stop the tiny tear that rolled down my cheek. He did it. We did it and I was proud.

Sometimes, things just work out and leave us feeling good. This is one of those times and I am enjoying every moment, every minute. Sometimes I just get a little down. We all need a smile or an act of kindness once in awhile to pull us out of despair. When is the last time you offered someone that gift? A compliment, a hug, a smile, a little help? I bet you might be surprised if you think about it. People need kindness.We need the child we bury in all of us to feel good and safe and respected. We need that child to be able to show herself and lighten up, to have a little fun. You can offer that to someone. Your voice and your actions are so powerful. The question is, will you do it?

4 thoughts on “A New Perspective For Myself

  1. I can’t just do a “like” on this one. The authenticity is the writer gifting the readers with your story and a realm that people can connect with, if they have the desire / courage to do so … which requires your courage / vision to offer it. Excellent post. T

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