Sometimes secrets confine us to a prison we create for ourselves. We try and hide our problems and the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of hoping that somehow if we deny them, they will go away. I am pretty honest about who I am. There are only a few things I have been apprehensive to share. One is my binging. I have done it for as long as I can remember. One time in high school I went out to dinner. I guess I have always associated food with celebrations. I have no idea why my parents let me order all this except I’m guessing we must have been celebrating some accomplishment. I ordered mozzarella sticks, French onion soup, chicken parmesan with spaghetti and hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream. I remember riding home in tears holding my stomach furious with myself that I consumed so much food. I felt miserable both physically and emotionally. I’d like to tell you I never did anything like that again but I sure have.
It’s awful, and it’s embarrassing admitting there are some things I just don’t seem to have any control over. The pattern is predictable and ridiculous and I fall I to it every time. I know for some, most people binge when they are depressed. For me though, I seem to binge when I am happy. It wouldn’t be a big deal if that one meal didn’t turn into a bag of candy and then repeating the cycle for days in a row. I swear if I could let go of the guilt then maybe I wouldn’t fall victim to this detrimental pattern anymore. That is my plan. I am going to look myself in the face mid binge and acknowledge it. I will remind myself that the binging is out of my control but how I react to it is something I do have power over. If I can stop it at that one meal instead of beating myself up for it than that would be a small win. Maybe that feeling of the win would encourage me to strive for another until one day, maybe I heal myself from this dark character flaw.
We all indulge in things we shouldn’t. We all have that one thing that makes us out of control. Addiction is all around us and comes in many forms. The question is, do we continue to play out a predictable role that leaves us feeling horrible, or do we learn to choose another path? What are some of your addictions? How do you handle them? How does it make you feel about yourself? I would love to hear your personal story.