Hello blog. I’ve really been neglecting you lately. I’ve been spending the last 25 days with family visiting from out of town. My last one left just this morning and I am frustrated with myself that I paused long enough to feel the emptiness.
I guess you could say I am a loner. Moving around has scarred my heart and I decided after this last move I was not going to open it back up. Relationships are hard. They require time and effort and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to let others lives entwine with your own opens up the option to be hurt when the time comes to say goodbye. I didn’t realize how removed I’ve been. I’m just satisfied enough to have a small number of people to go to a movie with or lunch or an occasional shopping trip. But the truth is, the depth of those friendships are pretty shallow. I tried at first but decided going through the process of weeding out the ones who like to suck what they can get out of you while giving nothing in return forced me to shut down. Relationships are not as enjoyable or rewarding as they used to be. It seems conversations turn into arguing over who knows more. Deciding what to do and where to go turns into a battle of strongest will. The comfortable “let’s spend time together” relationships seem to have disappeared for me.
As long as I stayed shut off and didn’t allow the loneliness to creep in, I didn’t even recognize the absence. I enjoy doing things alone but I let myself forget how good it feels to do things with someone else. In a world where a husband and wife’s interaction occurs while bumping into one another at the sink to brush your teeth at night and the constant distraction of cell phones and iPads making it impossible for someone in the same room to even hear what you say without repeating yourself at least a dozen times, there comes a time when you throw in the towel and say “I quit, I’m done” and the shut down recycles and starts all over again.
These are lonely times we live in. Communication is broken. People talk more but listen less. I don’t even know if they hear much at all. They just wait to respond but never actually listen to what someone says. They don’t know what’s going on because they are not paying attention or miss the details that get lost somewhere between checking email, texting or playing a silly game on their computer. All the while, people are hurting and feeling alone and shutting down. How can you compete with the fancy gadgets? You can’t so you just shut down. Relationships are falling apart and phones and computers spend more hours in people’s arms than a friend or loved one. We are giving hours of our time and attention to gadgets but we can’t take a minute or two to look into someone’s eyes sitting across from us in the same room and actually take the time and devotion to hear what they are trying to say. There’s never a good time because people are always so busy.
It’s a sad thing to say but it’s easier to try not to compete and drop out of the race. Why give people the opportunity to make you feel less important than a piece of technology? I am grateful for the company the last few weeks. I don’t even have the words to express how good it felt to sit outside and just chat with my mom for hours. I forgot how it feels to be surrounded by someone all the time who just wants to spend time with me. It hurt like hell to say goodbye and now I am forced to make a choice. Do I continue to be a loner or do I try and open myself back up?