The Pain of Isolation

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Hello blog. I’ve really been neglecting you lately. I’ve been spending the last 25 days with family visiting from out of town. My last one left just this morning and I am frustrated with myself that I paused long enough to feel the emptiness.

I guess you could say I am a loner. Moving around has scarred my heart and I decided after this last move I was not going to open it back up. Relationships are hard. They require time and effort and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to let others lives entwine with your own opens up the option to be hurt when the time comes to say goodbye. I didn’t realize how removed I’ve been. I’m just satisfied enough to have a small number of people to go to a movie with or lunch or an occasional shopping trip. But the truth is, the depth of those friendships are pretty shallow. I tried at first but decided going through the process of weeding out the ones who like to suck what they can get out of you while giving nothing in return forced me to shut down. Relationships are not as enjoyable or rewarding as they used to be. It seems conversations turn into arguing over who knows more. Deciding what to do and where to go turns into a battle of strongest will. The comfortable “let’s spend time together” relationships seem to have disappeared for me.

As long as I stayed shut off and didn’t allow the loneliness to creep in, I didn’t even recognize the absence. I enjoy doing things alone but I let myself forget how good it feels to do things with someone else. In a world where a husband and wife’s interaction occurs while bumping into one another at the sink to brush your teeth at night and the constant distraction of cell phones and iPads making it impossible for someone in the same room to even hear what you say without repeating yourself at least a dozen times, there comes a time when you throw in the towel and say “I quit, I’m done” and the shut down recycles and starts all over again.

These are lonely times we live in. Communication is broken. People talk more but listen less. I don’t even know if they hear much at all. They just wait to respond but never actually listen to what someone says. They don’t know what’s going on because they are not paying attention or miss the details that get lost somewhere between checking email, texting or playing a silly game on their computer. All the while, people are hurting and feeling alone and shutting down. How can you compete with the fancy gadgets? You can’t so you just shut down. Relationships are falling apart and phones and computers spend more hours in people’s arms than a friend or loved one. We are giving hours of our time and attention to gadgets but we can’t take a minute or two to look into someone’s eyes sitting across from us in the same room and actually take the time and devotion to hear what they are trying to say. There’s never a good time because people are always so busy.

It’s a sad thing to say but it’s easier to try not to compete and drop out of the race. Why give people the opportunity to make you feel less important than a piece of technology? I am grateful for the company the last few weeks. I don’t even have the words to express how good it felt to sit outside and just chat with my mom for hours. I forgot how it feels to be surrounded by someone all the time who just wants to spend time with me. It hurt like hell to say goodbye and now I am forced to make a choice. Do I continue to be a loner or do I try and open myself back up?

7 thoughts on “The Pain of Isolation

  1. Beth

    Am in a very similar position, having moved so much during my adult life. Good friends are now far away and it can be easier to stay to myself than take time to reach out by phone.

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  2. I understand – I was just getting ready to post on this topic. I don’t really have an answer – except to keep trying and not give up.
    We were designed for relationships and good or bad, I think we learn something from all of them.
    Xx Donna

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kodi

    I am 60 now. The last year and a half I have been living alone for the first time in my life. (I don’t count the 2 years that I lived alone above a friend’s house in attic apt. as people were still around that I interacted with daily) In my lifetime, I found that I jumped from relationship to relationship not really knowing myself or where my boundaries were. I was loved by others but i was not able to give a lot back because i didn’t know how to. I found that I jumped at any little crumb of affection or friendship that came along due to my lack of those things growing up. My brothers on the other hand, withdrew and turned to drugs. They gave up on human relationships. One of them died at age 39 due to an overdose and the other one has been in and out of prison. I learned a lot about myself because I remained open to people and relationships….be they friendships or love partnerships. I find that true give and take friendships are difficult to come by. Over the years, I had friends from all walks of life. Many of them were so closed off to people they missed out on close, intimate, relationships with others who were true nurturers….these were friends that were scared (like my brothers) As i grew older and wiser, I realized that people need friends that can listen before they can move on to closer more intimate relationships. I learned how to GIVE thanks to all of the people the that were willing to care for and nurture me over the years. I am glad that I remained open to people and took risks with my feelings. I am thankful for every relationship………even the dysfunctional ones or ones that turn out to be dysfunctional. More than anything, I am thankful that I can finally care about myself and be comfortable in my own skin and space without NEEDING people. I could never do that before. I suppose the thing to strive for is balance. Listen to your intuition. It always knows. Relationships are always interesting ….. especially our relationship with Self. I find that I still WANT to have a special someone in my life but I do not need to do so out of survival anymore. I say remain open AND wise at the same time. ๐Ÿ™‚ Times really have changed a lot. Technology love it and hate it lol If someone is using a phone or tablet ask them to put it down, Communication is key to a fulfilling relationship of any type. Ask don’t give up Peace

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Relationships are tough but I do believe the risk of remaining open does pay off in the end. You never know unless you try. I love your last line…ask donโ€™t give up. Great advice!

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