There Goes My Life

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Have you ever come, undone, unglued? I feel like I have spent years building a life that is slowly starting to slip away. I peeked in on the kids sleeping last night. There was a time not so long ago that it wan’t easy to find their tiny bodies in bed and now it’s so odd to see them fill the length of the bed. It didn’t happen over night but I feel like I missed it maybe. Was I too busy stressing over the things that never mattered or was I overwhelmed by the challenges having small children brings? How in the world did I get here so fast? Count your blessings. Be grateful. That’s what they say but no one tells me how to work through this pain. Letting go of the grasp I have on my kids and the years of my life is a difficult process. For me, it presents itself as depression. I can’t deny it anymore. It is time to make friends with it and figure out a way we can coincide in this life, this body together. I have to find a way to silence the panic and come to some kind of peace with the fact that time keeps moving forward and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. I used to think raising kids and being mom would last a lifetime. In a way, I guess it will but not the same as when they were little. It’s exciting to watch my teen drive down the driveway but my heart also breaks a little each and everytime. Sometimes I listen to my sons contagious laugh but the smile fades from my face as I realize that beautiful sound will eventually fade from the background.  We are all living in these walls together that one day at a time built our little family, but how much longer will that last? I look back and think, where did all the years go? My bones and joints are stiff and sore but inside I don’t feel any older. But when I look back, when I go to that place, its like a blow to the side of my head. It’s a reminder that I am 44 and at the very least my life is half over. What if the next half goes just as fast? I walk around with this deep, dark sadness that haunts the hell out of me from time to time. The years, my life falling away, spinning out of control with no way to slow it down. I don’t think we talk about this much with anyone else. I think we think, if we ignore the feeling, it will go away. But it’s there. Sometimes time visits me in the middle of the night. It taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that it’s there lurking , ready to rob me of another day. I have a great life and I am so very blessed. Sometimes, my excitement for the future is stifled by my loss of the past. I know there are so many moments ahead that will fill my soul with happiness that I can’t comprehend in these dark little moments. I have to allow myself to feel the pain so I can move on. The old me, life as I know it is gone and I know more than anyone else that you have to feel the loss to heal the loss. It also reminds me to live in the moments and to pay attention to them as they are happening. It urges me to focus on the details so they will always be fresh inside my mind. It reminds me to be kinder, to worry less and to live better while I’m blessed with the opportunity and still can. Everyday is a gift. Unwrap it and celebrate this journey that you are on. No two journeys are the same and there is only one you. Don’t waste your life, love your life and inspire others to do the same thing too.

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12 thoughts on “There Goes My Life

  1. This is beautiful. I feel like this everyday I look at my oldest son … And even my baby. You never think of all the moments that are your lasts. Last unembarrassed kiss goodbye, last “Tuck me in”, last rock to sleep. It is so crazy. This is beautifully written.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. stuckinscared

    Oh, ‘I get this’… my eldest turns thirty this year, and I fifty… Iv’e had these thoughts/feelings..I’m having them still…add to them a life long fear of death and it’s hard not to panic at times. I too try hard to focus on the now, the coming days/months (years, hopefully) but you’re spot on…it’s hard not to mourn the past, wish it back…heck I’d settle for freezing the now 🙂

    Thank you for this post, for you, for me, for all who ‘get it’ 🙂 Take care lovely lady x

    Liked by 2 people

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