Fast Forward

Down the rabbit hole. I could feel myself falling the other day. Slowly at first, feeing a little tired.  Motivation slowly slipping away as my desire to do anything but lay in bed is all that is left. The truth about depression is that it sneaks up on you when you aren’t expecting it. Everything seems to be going fine and then wham! It taps you on the shoulder and screams, I’m back! And so it is.

What I have learned is that I have to be patient. What swings one direction will eventually swing the other way. I dont know when or how but I do know it will happen and I take comfort in that knowledge. Inside I am dying, knowing time is slipping further and further away. Its like trying to hold water in my hands, it stays there for a little while then starts to seep away. There are some things you cannot hold onto no matter how hard you try.  All you can do is watch it fall away.

As my kids venture into 8th and 11th grade, I grieve for the young children who are lost somewhere back on the timeline that defines my life. I allow myself to be sad for the years that are gone and at the same time, remind myself there is still so much to look forward to. It’s just so difficult to understand how they grow up so fast, in the blink of an eye. That’s how time seems anyway, like there is some point in a lifetime where the years seem to be stuck in fast forward and the pause button doesn’t work anymore. That is where I am right now, on fast forward, banging and screaming on life to slow down but it just keeps going. And so it is like so many other things just are. What can I do but try and breathe and be grateful for each day as it comes? I need to remind myself not to take a single second for granted. I can’t hold onto it but I don’t have to miss it because I’m so preoccupied with the past or apprehensive about the future. Be in the moment the best you can and don’t grasp for something that is impossible to hold. Live, love and then love even more.