I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. They say the garden only grows in places you water it. I think the worst part about depression is there is always a drought. You have a minuscule amount of water, so you have to pick and choose where you sprinkle it. You have to conserve as much water as you can while still making sure everything in your garden is growing strong. Do you clean the house or get out of bed and get dressed? You seriously have to choose which one is more important that day. As you feel yourself plummeting further and further, you have no choice but to let some things wither away and all you can do is stand there and watch. It’s not your choice, you’re too darn tired to do anything else.
I have the most beautiful rose bushes outlining my back yard. With the extreme amount of heat we’ve been having combined with my extreme fatigue, I haven’t walked out back in quite some time. I thought I could see the shape of my bushes changing. Deep down I knew they were being swallowed up by that fungal disease that makes them drop all their leaves but instead of doing something about it, it was easier to just not go outside. My hose was empty and if I didn’t look, I didn’t see.
I walked out there today and I became furious with myself. Just like my own garden, my own self was suffering. I felt so sorry for those innocent roses. They were counting on me to take care of them and I let them down. How could I take care of them, take care of my family AND take care of me? Mind over matter, that’s how. I did my best to trim them back and spray something to kill the disease but now I’m drained, not a single drop of water left. Every ounce of energy I had is gone and it’s not even 2:00. Insomnia kept me company most of last night and if I go to sleep now, tonight will be an unfortunate repeat of last night.
I hate depression. It’s the first thing in my life I haven’t been able to fight. And the guilt? Depressed about what? For the most part, I really have a great life. So how could I possibly feel this way? It not only affects me but also everyone else that lives around me.
Don’t ever sneer at someone for having a depressing tone or depression period. Its not a performance or sporting event and it surely doesn’t need your judgement. It’s hard to know what anyone else is going through and the worst thing you can can do to somebody with depression is put them down or make them feel even more guilty then they already do. We get that you don’t understand but do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do for anyone, depressed or not, is to be kind and offer to lend patience and a supporting hand. We are all connected and we need to start acting that way.