What Should We Call This?

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I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. They say the garden only grows in places you water it. I think the worst part about depression is there is always a drought. You have a minuscule amount of water, so you have to pick and choose where you sprinkle it. You have to conserve as much water as you can while still making sure everything in your garden is growing strong. Do you clean the house or get out of bed and get dressed? You seriously have to choose which one is more important that day. As you feel yourself plummeting further and further, you have no choice but to let some things wither away and all you can do is stand there and watch. It’s not your choice, you’re too darn tired to do anything else.

I have the most beautiful rose bushes outlining my back yard. With the extreme amount of heat we’ve been having combined with my extreme fatigue, I haven’t walked out back in quite some time. I thought I could see the shape of my bushes changing. Deep down I knew they were being swallowed up by that fungal disease that makes them drop all their leaves but instead of doing something about it, it was easier to just not go outside. My hose was empty and if I didn’t look, I didn’t see.

I walked out there today and I became furious with myself. Just like my own garden, my own self was suffering. I felt so sorry for those innocent roses. They were counting on me to take care of them and I let them down. How could I take care of them, take care of my family AND take care of me? Mind over matter, that’s how. I did my best to trim them back and spray something to kill the disease but now I’m drained, not a single drop of water left. Every ounce of energy I had is gone and it’s not even 2:00. Insomnia kept me company most of last night and if I go to sleep now, tonight will be an unfortunate repeat of last night.

I hate depression. It’s the first thing in my life I haven’t been able to fight. And the guilt? Depressed about what? For the most part, I really have a great life. So how could I possibly feel this way? It not only affects me but also everyone else that lives around me. 

Don’t ever sneer at someone for having a depressing tone or depression period. Its not a performance or sporting event and it surely doesn’t need your judgement. It’s hard to know what anyone else is going through and the worst thing you can can do to somebody with depression is put them down or make them feel even more guilty then they already do. We get that you don’t understand but do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do for anyone, depressed or not, is to be kind and offer to lend patience and a supporting hand. We are all connected and we need to start acting that way.

15 thoughts on “What Should We Call This?”

  1. I think one way to fight that big, bad “D” word is not to name it, at all. Just as I don’t subscribe to a certain “B” word regarding one’s activity level or interest in something. I prefer not to get B’d or D’d. I know I probably do; but, perhaps, denying it can help me somehow? Just a theory. I got the idea from a TV movie about Merlin and how he made the villain go away. He turned his back on the villain and never spoke its name, again.

    I cope with my own “D” almost daily and get my share of ridicule or lacking sympathy from family. It’s a tough battle to fight when your team thinks there’s no enemy in sight.

    As for roses and growing things in general, I’ve had my share of bad luck, too. As much as I wanted to grow things, Nature likes to throw me curve balls. My first rose bush was lost to a hungry deer. I was the fool who wanted to grow roses to give to women I liked. I didn’t find one woman I cared to give a rose before the bush was gone. Maybe Nature was trying to tell me to put my romantic notions aside and do something better with my time and resources.

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    • Oh, and if you think denying is bad. Well, is admitting or dwelling on the existence of the big, bad “D” any better? When I thought it was a disease, I sought help and was put on so many different meds. I saw three therapists that did me no favors. When I stopped thinking of it as a disease, I made it smaller like a storm cloud that shrinks before the sun. I’d like to just stab the dragon and put it out of my life. But, so far, I don’t have the answer to that. I like to dream up solutions. For now, I’m just being a survivor.

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      • There are no easy answers. Yoga and spending time outside is sometimes all the therapy I need but what if I’m too tired. I know realize I have to kick my own butt and get out there. I may not be able to slay this thing but O can keep it an even match. Love all the feedback! Keep it coming ,)

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      • I wish I could do more yoga…but I can be so lazy about those things. I tried tai chi for a week and gave up:P I still do the warm up exercises, though, before strenuous activity.

        Yes, that’s one reason I love Tauruses, the appreciation for nature. 🙂 Aaaah…<3

        Sometimes, you can't slay the dragon, but you can find the fire that keeps you at it's tail so it doesn't get on top of you. A helpful ally or army would be nice, too. But, it seems I am fighting many battles alone.

        Well, gosh:) Okay…maybe I will keep after you.

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      • You mean like ants at a picnic? But, think of them like residents or natives in a foreign land. You intrude on their turf when you camp there. So, we have to work around them. But, yes, that’s the main reason I’ve avoided more of nature. I get bothered by the critters and stay away. But, the real hazard is probably the plant life, like poison oak. And, ticks.

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      • I have no problems with non-poisonous snakes. Just please, someone, point out which ones those are and keep the deadly ones away. The same goes for spiders. And, I’ve never run into a scorpion, yet. I dunno what they’d do if I crossed their path. I guess I’ll just sleep in body armor or at Stark Enterprises. Or, pack some camping protection of a homemade sort. I won’t go on the warpath and start spraying/stomping everything that scares me.

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    • Oh boy. Where do I start. I tried to deny the D word for a long time. I denied it so much, it didn’t even cross my mind until a doctor pulled her chair close, looked me in the eyes and asked, how are you doing? I fell apart. Denial ended that day. I have to remind myself my fatigue is because of that. I have to choose to get out of the house and make plans because although I don’t want to, once I get out, I’m glad I did. As for the theory of growing roses to give to a women….change your story to, you grew roses to feed the deer so the ladies think you are considerate and kind 😉

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      • Yea, that’s why I don’t like people asking me “How are you?” I can’t give a good, happy answer. So, I just shrug it off and fudge some “I’m okay.” When it’s far from the heavy truth that would drown the person who asked if they just pricked the dam of my emotions a little harder with their toothpick.

        I re-thought most of what I said to you after I said it. I was afraid you’d get mad; and I’d have to apologize. People suffering depression are usually more sensitive to being countered than those doing well.

        If you acknowledge your fatigue is afflicted by depression, are you not giving in to the big bad D instead of fighting it? I think it’s as good to name your monsters and acknowledge feelings (as all “good” therapists prescribe)…as it is to not admit or say we are afflicted by such words so we don’t give into them. If someone convinces me to have chocolate just because I like it awlought, I might bend even more easily the next time and become Pavlov’s dog. But, if I resist, and resist the next time, each time I get stronger at resisting the urge to give in to my temptations/emotions.

        Am I depressed?…nnnnno! [Even if I feel it, I won’t give into it. But, if someone wants to sit with me and let me cry on their shoulder, I hope they’ve got a good bucket.]

        Bah. I didn’t invest in roses to feed a deer that has a whole forest to forage. I think the deer was not deserving of my kindness. It acted like the young me that used to step on ants because I was the giant. Now I look out for creatures big and small. But, if they are going to do something like that, I put them on my naughty list.

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      • My husband has the same thought frame as you when it comes to not acknowledging stuff. He thinks if he doesn’t acknowledge it then it doesn’t affect him
        I will never get mad because people see things different than I do. Often times I didn’t get my point across and the people who are disagreeing with me are actually agreeing. It all comes down to interpretation and it’s good to have conversation back and forth. The lack of today is the cause for sonny misunderstandings.
        I am a moth killer. Those darn flour moths are relentless 😔

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      • It depends on what you are acknowledging. I think guys get a bad reputation for ignoring tasks/chores, thus denying responsibility for them. But, in the case of things that break us down mentally/emotionally and are not necessary to getting through the day, a lil “ignorance” might keep us on track. As that one song says, “Don’t pay no mind to the demons; they fill you with fear.”

        Men also might use this tactic to avoid sharing their feelings. Hmm? I don’t get sad. So, I cannot relate to your sadness, wife of mine. But, everyone has their moments for sadness, fear, etc.

        You never get mad?

        Sonny misunderstandings? What is sonny? The opposite of Share (versus Cher)? 😛

        I leave most insects be. I no longer swat every creep that crawls or flies. I still get the creeps. But, only when the bug gets in my private space or the way of the vacuum, do I take it out. I have moved my share outdoors, already. I cup ’em and move ’em.

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