Knowing Your Triggers

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Because I am a control freak, my demeanor often reflects that too. I am not outwardly too much of anything. I am a numbed down version of who I should probably be. I don’t like to surrender myself in any situation. That includes matters of the heart or matters of my own will. We all have triggers I guess and last night schoolwork turned me into a loaded gun. I get to that point where I just snap and I hate myself for it in the minutes that follow. It’s hard for me to shake that side of myself off. I hold myself to a pretty high standard and when I act in a way I don’t approve, I take it pretty hard. Sure, it’s easy to say everyone makes mistakes and it’s important to forgive and do better. There are just some lines that should never be crossed. The first time, we just look at the line and it feels awful. Next time we move a little  closer and maybe touch it with the bottom of our foot. Eventually we have the confidence to step right over it and never come back. I see that pattern in people all the time. It’s like taking that first drink that leads to a lifetime of debilitating drinking. That’s how it starts and knowing my own limits and not going outside of them is something I’ve always practiced and admired in myself. So what is one to do when that imaginary line has been broken? Is it possible to imagine it there again and promise not to do it again or is it important to be honest and say what’s broken will always be broken and remember how this day feels because of one bad choice and don’t ever make it again. It’s not even something that would be that big of a deal for the average person, but a step out of my comfort zone in this direction was surely a step in the wrong direction. So today, I will try and convince myself it’s okay to make an occasional mistake and make that important promise to myself that I will grow from it and next time choose better. You can never go back but you can choose to remain stuck in a moment or to move forward. I’m going to keep on moving. 

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4 thoughts on “Knowing Your Triggers

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic

    That is one of the most difficult things with mindfulness, is recognizing your triggers. Almost as hard it knowing when they will crop up and proactively doing things to avoid them. Tough indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

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