I Shall Not Sabotage Myself Any Longer

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Since the post from my friend at Dream Big, Dream Often earlier was about being honest and accountable, I guess it’s now my turn to come clean. Once a week, I do a post on one of my own self destructive behaviors. Self sabotage comes in many forms. Once I get a handle on one problem, I recreate another. It’s almost like I am addicted to having something to work on and fix. It’s been an amazingly stressful week. The good news though is I am handling it like a professional. No palpitations, no woe is me, no panic attacks. The bad news is, I am binging again. The more I try to stop, the more obsessed I become with eating. I guess it’s true that we replace one addiction with another. So which do I choose? My addiction to stress or my addiction to food? Either one will end up killing me eventually so maybe I should flip a coin. 

Chase had a dentist appointment today and I drove through Taco Bell on the way back to school. I never eat Taco Bell and what do I do? Order him 2 tacos and me a chicken chalupa. I got home and immediately coordinated a  search and rescue mission for any chocolate that might be hidden someplace in the house. That’s how it works. It’s a cycle, a chain of unfortunate events that goes around and around until I gain a ton of weight or gain control. I eat one bad thing that leads to another and another until I go to bed at night feeling bloated, sick and disgusted. Then I wake up and do it all again. 

I am hoping putting it out there to the world will help me stay accountable. I actually looked up the calories in a chalupa and I haven’t blown anything today at all, at least not yet. So I’m going to do my best to stay within my caloric limit and crawl into bed feeling happy and proud. It takes a village to do many things. Encouraging and supporting people should be one of them. I really do want some chocolate though. Thank goodness I didn’t find any. 

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16 thoughts on “I Shall Not Sabotage Myself Any Longer

  1. koolaidmoms

    I am like that too. Thankfully I have started logging my food on my phone in S Health. I still overeat in certain catagories but seeing the number of calories rise gives me pause to think sometimes.

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  2. My timing is awful. I just ate a bunch of Dove chocolates! Anyway, you are not alone in substituting one addiction for another. I keep doing that with computer games. Bummer. Awesome of you to put all that out there!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can empathize with you about the food issue to a degree.

    I had a therapist who, when I told him that I was moving around a lot, he asked “What are you running from?” and I think with addictions, the question is as equally valid if not more so. but what if the answer is you’re running from yourself or some aspect of you?

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  4. I like your thought about being accountable and putting it down on paper and for the world to see. Two levels or may be three levels of accountability there.
    I read and I am trying to follow this : You know as soon as you have binged and eaten something you shouldn’t have- so if you can, can you work it out as soon as the realization strikes you ?
    I mean, can you take a walk or go on the treadmill or even do some housework immediately when you realize ?
    This might help- for me, as I try to do this, I find that my confidence in myself is going up and I am able to work out better and am slowly having a feeling that I can control my life and it need not go into orbit every time I “sin”.
    Susie

    Liked by 1 person

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