My Mind is an Endless Riot

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On September 11th, several years ago, I held my pregnant belly as I watched the World Trade Center collapse in horror. I wondered what it would be like to bring a sweet, innocent life into this changing world. He is fourteen now and I shutter as I think about what is going on outside my front doors.

I went to bed watching the riots in Charlotte. For the last few days my heart has been heavy. In between palpitations and palpable anxiety and agitation, I feel dark and lifeless. This morning I woke up and decided I wasn’t ready to do today. I shut off my phone, closed my door and went back to sleep to avoid the world. Unfortunately for me, the world is already inside of my head. It slipped in a side door and haunted my dreams until I wanted to be awake.

I realize now that because I am an empath and feel things to such an extreme degree, the rage and violence I am feeling is an expression of the energy I am experiencing around me. It spreads like wildfire and once you get a little burn, that fire engulfs you until you become its rage.You keep it going until every spark and the flame destroys everything in its path. 

Look around at the anger. Show me one person who believes life is fair and doesn’t suffer from some type of injustice. Show me the few people who divert the hatred and take on the responsibility to be and give love. They are the real heroes. As I sit here now, only two people come to mind who emulate goodness and kindness, compassion and acceptance every single moment I am around them. Just their presence alone has healing power. I’m done trying to fight for every cause and right every injustice. I’m not a fighter anymore. The more you train to fight the more it becomes who you are. I want to be like these two unsung heroes that simple make the world better by the energy they bring to it. I want to follow them around and feel some of the peace and honest goodness they leave behind them every place they go. I want to sit with a heartbeat that moves steadily and slowly and feel a sense of calm wash over me as I sit here quietly in my own home. I want to focus on my breath instead of the ridiculous list of things to do and keep track of dragging me down like a heavy ball and deadly change. I want to feel free and happy and get the hope back that people are good and the world is a beautiful place. Sometimes I just need an escape? Where can I go to find that these days?

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