If I Could Go Back

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Tonight As I sat through my daughters powderpuff game, my mind wandered back to when I was senior myself. I winced as I thought about the opportunities I might have missed. Did I live that year to the very fullest, making memories that I would always look back on and smile about? If I could send a message back to the 18 year old version of myself, what would I tell her?  

 As the years go rushing past and I get more serious about life, I am missing out on precious experiences that I will never get back. I am so concentrated on the future that I am losing the joy in the everyday. I am so filled with apprehension that I miss those things that could bring a smile to my face because I am grasping onto this ridiculous burden I insist on carrying around. It is heavy and I am tired, barely able to take a step forward as I am being crushed from the weight I pile on myself. What is worth trading living in the here and now? What is worth giving up my chance to be happy and wasting days on nonsense with no chance of ever reliving them or getting them back? I can’t help but imagine what I might say to my 45 year old self ten years from now. Why did you get so wrapped up in such nonsense? Why didn’t you let go of the constant worry and trust that things would work themselves out? Why didn’t you laugh more and choose love and happiness over anger and worry? Why didn’t you find a healthy balance and take better care of yourself? Why didn’t you make the changes you so desperately wanted to make so you could love yourself and others more? Why? Why? Why couldn’t you get your act together? 

Tomorrow I will choose one thing to change. Rome certainly wasn’t built in a day and rebuilding myself won’t happen in a day either. I will commit to making one small baby step at a time and give up on the silly notion of changing everything at once. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I am going to use a respectful tone in every conversation regardless of how the other person makes me feel. Not everyone needs to know the level of frustration I feel inside and it is certainly not their burden to carry. Wish me luck.

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