I’m Leaving This Behind in 2017

I read somewhere that it is necessary to leave something behind in 2016 to make room for something new. I could spend hours making lists of useless things I would rather not carry into the new year but if I could only pick one, my answer would be simple. Expectations.

I fall for it everytime. I get this idea of how something is going to be. I fantasize about the perfect details as the smile spreads bigger across my face. Then reality comes along and slaps it right off of me. Christmas was a good example. I wait all year to finally go home and spend some quality time with my family. I am the only one living far away and I miss out on so many things that I often regret. This year I was excited for weeks in anticipation of what the holidays would bring. Two days after finally arriving, I collapsed. Not once but twice. I was so sick that I actually passed out at a rest area in between my brothers home and my moms. I don’t even remember it happening the second time. I remember waking up and hearing my son on the phone with 911 as I insisted I was okay. It was awful. I was staggering and slurring my words and just wanting to go to my childhood home and lay on the couch. Resting took up the whole next day. I was frustrated because I know it’s impossible to get even a second back. This was precious time wasted on feeling crappy on a couch instead of visiting with people I wait all year to see. Christmas finally came along and I still wasn’t feeling so great. I got through the day but was feeling quite exhausted. We all slept at my moms that night and then it hit. 8 out of 10 of us were stricken with a stomach virus in the middle of the night. At the same time, all four at my brothers house in addition to my sister were going through the same motions at their own houses. The fun was over. Everyone slept for 24 hours straight. I prayed all night that I would be spared. My body was already feeling so weak and my wish was granted. Out of 16 of us, only two of us escaped this nasty virus. Thank goodness I was one of them and able to take care of the ones who were in the same house.

Christmas was so far from what I expected it to be. Expectations are garbage and they set me up for disappointment every single time. In 2017, I am going to try and just let it be, whatever it is.  I still enjoyed my visit, it just didn’t come close to what I had planned. So, no more plans. No more regrets. No more I wish things were different. I need to embrace what is and make the most out of whatever circumstances I am given. Goodbye expectations. I won’t be taking you with me next year. What will you be leaving behind?

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