Have you ever felt really strong about something but didn’t exactly know why? I helped my son with some writing assignments this weekend and felt myself thinking about how angry the assignment made me feel. There I was, walking out in nature this morning completely missing out on the serenity because I was knee deep in my own mad. Why did he have to write essays making connections between his assigned reading and another book? Why did they he to explore the connection of the book to to his own life and the world? Why was I feeling so darn mad?
Tonight I went for another walk. I noticed two stars parallel in the sky. I couldn’t help but think that was my own marriage. My husband was one star and I was the other but we seemed worlds apart. The bills, the struggles with the kids, stress, jobs, chores, emails all made us feel further and further apart. Like it or not, that stuff gets in between and before you know it you are trying your best to fight your way back.
I got it then. My anger and my overreaction to a silly assignment became visibly clear. I am an over thinker. I have lost the art of reading to read or walking to just enjoy walking. I analyze my steps or I replay conversations searching for something deeper or something maybe that should have been different. My brain has been trained to find meaning in a world that sometimes doesn’t really require any. My brain can no longer shut itself off or find quiet in the softness of my shoes as they hit the pavement. I cannot even look at the stars without thinking something profound. Perhaps we should stop requiring our kids to think more and allow them to just be more. Imagine just reading a book to enjoy the escape from real life. Imagine taking a walk without setting a goal to reach 10,000 steps. Imagine your mind not being the roadblock to pure happiness and utter enjoyment. Imagine a few moments of no thinking and total mindfulness lost in the beauty of the forest or in the words of a book. Imagine looking up and enjoying the beauty of the stars with no thoughts running through your head. Imagine a world with less thinking required and more being. Imagine!
anewperspectiveperhaps 
You’ve described me to a degree, the stars in the sky bit resonated with me especially and from reading my blog, you have an idea about that.
I have always been an over thinker or made things more complicated than they needed to be and I still do that today.
My dad once told me “if I asked you what time it was, you’d tell me how to build a watch.”
I may have posted that quote somewhere before but I overanalyze, look for meanings where there probably are none and I have always wished that I could look up at the stars.
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Hopefully, all those extra thoughts you have will be worth something someday sooner than later. Or, are us “high-thinkers” doomed to be trees that make tons of seed that never makes it to tree stage? Is it all for nought, or can a seed pondered today sprout even decades later, whether on its own or as part of a larger picture? Rather than think about it–ha–just let it be. Otherwise, how do we shut it off? Meditate? And, if I keep clearing my head, what happens if I no longer think so much or the same sort of thoughts?
Maybe all this feverish thinking is our bodies’ reaction to the pressure to change, to conform.
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You gave me some food for thought. I do love meditation. I stopped going but I know I need to get back to it. It is guided meditation so I have something to focus on instead of my own incessant thought.
I think you are right about an underlying resentment I have about having to relive a school experience I completed years ago. It’s so different now and I am grateful I am not a kid in the school system today.
This is a super stressful time for me right now with my first born graduating and finals coming up soon for the other one who struggles. That’s probably why my mind is so out of sorts and also why I cannot sleep. When I finally do slip into a deep sleep I am sure I will stay asleep for a week.
Thanks for your comments and insight and most of all your friendship. I do appreciate it.
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Meh, I’ve had my share of guided meditations from high school. I remember breaking down and crying a few times. I was severely depressed and socially awkward. It was not a helpful experience, especially since I didn’t exactly have someone to catch my tears.
I picture you running a marathon with the family on your shoulders and a school book in one hand. You are trying to be Supermom.
You are most welcome, fellow busy-head.
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When I hear “over thinker,” I think of all the movies and stories that involve people with brains working overtime. I think of “mega-minds” lashing out in anger to take over the world or teach those who disrespect them a lesson. [As it is, I just watched “Lucy” yesterday; that is one sick drug trip.]
I figured you were so mad because a small part of you said, “I finished school years ago; why am I still doing homework? Why am I doing someone’s homework other than my own?” That would get under my skin, too. And, you wouldn’t likely know it til the feeling erupts inside you.
I found the art of reading for pleasure only in the past four years or so. I picked up a mystery novel to boost my knowledge of detectives. It didn’t help much with my goal, but it got me hooked into reading more and more books than I’ve read all my life. It’s like I first took to oral hygiene or something similar. I came into a new sense of awareness and interest just by circumstance, not force as it felt when I was in school. And, through this new pleasure of reading, I have an even greater affection for bookworms. Though, after glancing over a page of bookworm posts here, I lose some of that affection and gain a desire to puke, because so many are consuming dozens of books in a month, which creates a small panic attack and allergic reaction in me. It’s like they’re robots reading an encyclopedia in a few minutes and wanting so much more data.
I haven’t taken as many walks as I used to due to the loss of my headset radio. Without those tunes, I feel naked and cursed to face my racing thoughts. No music takes away from the pleasure and meditation I attempt. But, I will still take walks. I can’t say I take nice, easy, relaxing walks. I usually walk at a brisk pace. Not as fast or slow as some I bump into along the way. Faster than my family cares to walk. I walk to get where I am going quickly. I can’t slow down and just breathe in nature like I wish I could. For that, I keep feeling like I’ll need someone to hold my hand and calm my heart down.
You put a lot on your plate. You seem to be the epicenter of the whole family, managing everyone’s everything. It’s kinda hard for such a person to relax doing anything. It may be more possible if you could divide/delegate tasks.
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