I have a feeling that last night was a hint of what is coming. I haven’t had a sleepless night in quite a while but last night seemed to go on forever. This is the second night in a row where I was awakened by nightmares that sent me into complete panic.
On Monday, we drove four hours to take my daughter to college orientation. I guess that’s where the reality of her leaving really took hold. I walked around this intimidating campus choking back pain as I realized this would be her new home. No more checking her bedroom at night to make sure she was safe and sound. No more rides to Dairy Queen or meeting her for lunch in the middle of the day. The world as I knew it was about to come crashing down around me and like it or not, I was not given a choice or time to adjust.
My heart is heavy. I am grieving for the little girl I am desperately trying to let go of. I don’t always recognize this new face or the body that is the same size as mine. Wasnt it just yesterday that I was singing Barney songs and taking her to the park in that beat up red wagon? In my dreams, my fear is in control so I make the decision to stay awake. I wrestle with so many thoughts I cannot control. How will I stand to live in this house that will feel so empty? What will life be like without her in it everyday? My eyes are tired and the answers escape me. I need sleep but it still won’t come. One day at a time I remind myself as I crawl out of bed drained and weary. One day at a time is all I can handle. I may not be able to take on months at a time but 24 hours is something I know I can tackle.
Appreciate your life as it is today. We live in a constant state of change and we have to embrace what is right there in front of us each and everyday.