The wind was hitting me in the face as I sauntered on for my usual walk today. At first I felt really annoyed only to discover a few steps later that the annoyance was already inside of me and the wind was just the mirror pointing it out to me. Sometimes we don’t know what’s really going on until something causes us to check in with ourselves. How many times do we candidly and honestly ask, how am I really feeling right now? We convince ourselves it’s the traffic or our spouse or our child who is causing a feeling to well up inside when actually it is the feeling inside that is eating everyone and everything alive. I didn’t realize how much stuff was just sticking to me. I had been walking around and anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness and negativity kept piling up on me and I never even noticed. The wind reminded me to stop holding onto what doesn’t serve me. It nudged me to let it go and allow it to blow through. Reminder to stop hanging onto what is weighing down so heavily on your soul. Let it go. Let all that crazy, useless stuff go. Take a deep breath as you feel it all just blow away.
My mind is conflicted but my heart is not. When it comes to choosing sides, my heart will always stand on the side of love. It’s so easy to get caught up in confusion when information is being thrown from every direction in addition to emotions that are already running extremely high. Sometimes it’s necessary to find a place of calm and quiet and let the facts sort everything out. I’ve learned that my eyes can lead me to believe one thing while my heart says there’s just no way. We are in a world of turmoil and so many sources trying to sway the truth but it’s almost impossible to come to an agreement when truth means something different to all of us.
I often ask, why was I born into a time such as this? I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I am a lover not a fighter and my immense amount of common sense matched with my ability to really consider things from all angles is a blessing and a curse at the same time. My heart has a heaviness to it that is sometimes hard to carry. I feel things so deeply and am easily moved by others feeling and emotions. I actually experience what they are expressing on so many levels and it is overwhelming. Then I remind myself I am here to provide a sense of balance and maybe if I’m lucky enough, provide an opportunity to show a different way, not only a way to live but also think and feel. We all have a purpose and collectively have a contribution to the energy we create as a whole. Be mindful of what you are creating. That is the first step in healing the world.
I saw a turtle in the road the other day. Instantly I could feel my heartbeat speed up. I held so much anger toward that little turtle. I even asked my son if I should hit him. As I drove up closer there was no way I could harm him. Not a chance. Besides, that turtle was not the turtle responsible for totaling my car. I realized at that very second how often we project anger onto people who don’t deserve it. It’s more common than I ever realized. How many times has someone had to absorb anger that should have been directed at somebody else?
Remember this lesson. It’s an important one. Don’t pick on the turtles and learn to direct your anger at something productive like walking rather than at another human being. The way you deal with anger tells a lot about who you really are.
It’s been a really long week for me. I’d like to say everything worked out for the best but this one won’t end that way. When I started to think about it earlier, it became apparently obvious that I allowed myself to enter that dark place I fight so hard to be away from. I put myself smack in the middle of negative, angry people and guess what? I became one. I let their negativity seep into my own thinking and I laugh now while I realize why these last few days have played out so horribly.
The truth is I cannot tuck myself away in a safe little place in the corner of my house. I also cannot let a small number of people who carry everything I never want to be influence how I feel about people in general. My attitude towards the world has been a discouraged one and the Universe has delivered the image I have created in my mind. There is so much good out there. Kindness lives in little acts all around me. I need to think of people as channels and when one plays news that is doom and gloom, I simply need to turn it off. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes as I write these words. Here it is,
An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.
God, please give me the strength to turn my face away from hateful words, anger and negativity and not allow them to ever be part of who I am. Help my heart remain loving and open and help me find the courage to be a reflection of who You intended me to be.
Something happened Sunday evening that made me stop and really appreciate how fragile life really is. It was a difficult lesson but the amount of gratitude I feel reaches far beyond any words.
There is a farm in the back of our neighborhood. The boys who ride motorcycles often duck in the fence and ride the perimeter of the property to get over to another neighborhood. I’ve warned the boys time and time again. Trespassing is wrong and I will never argue the fact that breaking rules and laws are wrong every single time. Apparently the farmer had enough. He took barbed wire and hung it perpendicular to his property fence and attached the other end to a cedar tree. There was only one wire across neck height. The most dangerous part of all was he hung it in an area where the property takes a major dip downhill. The barbed wire was not visible to the human eye. I understand this man wants these kids off his property but the result of his choice to alleviate the problem almost killed my son. The barbed wire caught him between his chest and neck and pulled him backwards off his bike where he landed on the ground hitting his head extremely hard. I can’t help but struggle with the question, do two wrongs make a right? Is land really more important than a persons life? I am not at all condoning what the boys did but is what this man did acceptable? Couldn’t he have filed a complaint, called the police, tried to talk to the boys or parents? Here is the result. I am so grateful my son is still alive.
We went to the mall yesterday with three million other shoppers. Everyone was moving slowly and the mission I was on was taking more time than I had to offer it. Not only were people leisurely gliding from side to side so I couldn’t get around them, I had to deal with those giant sized electric ride on stuffed animals. It seemed that the grandfathers were all too excited to grab a child and ride these slow moving creatures throughout the mall to avoid stepping into a single shop. I wanted to scream and kick these bears, elephants and pandas clear across the floor and out of my path. I realized the rage I was feeling was not appropriate for this joyous Christmas season so I decided to drop what I was doing and get the heck out of there. This the season to be….
Sometimes it’s difficult to be a parent. The hardest part is not getting angry when our child does something terrible that he probably learned directly from us. Years ago, I used to be really passive aggressive. I would act like everything was fine but when I was mad, I would do one of two things. I would either act mad enough to let everyone know it or I wouldn’t talk at all. I realized at one point that acting out in this manner was only hurting myself. I would refuse to go someplace I wanted to go because I was so mad, even though I really, really wanted to go. It took years to get on top of this and finally make it stop. Sometimes I revert back, but for the most part, I have a pretty good hamdle on it.
My son has a field trip today and it was clear from his horrible attitude that he didn’t want to go. He asked me several times yesterday if he could stay home to which I repeatedly responded no. This morning was a challenging one. I watched angrily as he did everything in his power to let me know he was not happy. By the time he left I was in a terrible mood and then it dawned on me that I have no right to be mad and judge someone for something I myself used to do.
Remember, cutting your nose off to spite your own face is silly. Sometimes in life we will get upset or be forced to do something we don’t want to do. Do it anyway and do it with a good attitude. Otherwise, you don’t hurt the people around you as much as you make yourself look completely foolish.
What are some ways you cut off your own nose to spite your face? How do you feel after?