Slow It Down

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I had a chance meeting with an elderly checkout woman at Target yesterday. She looked into my eyes and asked, how are you today honey? I paused for a minute, shrugged my shoulders and explained to her I was having a rough day. I was frazzled. I left my wallet on a counter in another store earlier and everything I touched seemed to drop onto the floor. Her advice was priceless and I am grateful for her words. She told me in the years she has lived that she has learned to slow down. She told me that no matter how fast I try and outrun everything I need to do, there will always be more waiting. I thought about it for a minute and I realized that she was probably right. I was exhausting myself trying to outrun a train that would always be on my heels. How long could I possibly keep that up before I finally got run over? Sometimes it’s trying to stay ahead of thoughts and emotions. Trying to prevent things from happening is just as exhausting of dealing with whatever it is that slaps me across the face to finally get my attention.

Today, I went out and started my car to find out I had left the lights on and my battery was dead. Sure, this is the second time in a short period of time but maybe it was more. Maybe it was the Universe telling me to just stay home and chill out. Stop running Kim. Sit down for a while. The question is, what am I running from? That’s the problem. When I physically sit, my thoughts start racing. Maybe that’s why I keep physically moving in the first place. Who knows but either way I am meant to be right where I am. Right here with no ability to go anywhere else. I might as well make the best of it.

Am I Cray Cray?

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I admit my reaction is often over exaggerated and unnecessary. Can I help it? I have no idea. Why do I go straight to crazy? My daughters driving is like a first class ticket to freak out town. Lately though, she has been doing a much better job and as we backed out of our parking spot tonight, I thought to myself how nice it was to finally be able to relax when she is behind the wheel. I guess I forgot driving my big van is much different from her little Ford Focus. Next thing I know the car is rocking to the left and then to the right and the scraping sound was like my cats nails on my wooden dining room chair. I cannot tell you what I was repeatedly screaming as she continued to apply pressure to the gas peddle with no intention of stopping. Just for the record, I was not praying. In the meantime, I drop the phone from my ear right in the middle of my conversation with, of all people, MY MOTHER who has the terrible misfortune of hearing the entire fiasco play out real time. Did I mention my mother is supposed to stay calm so her blood pressure does not get too high? 

After we survive what I think is a curb, a really big, oversized curb, I pick the phone back up and start laughing uncontrollably.. It was hysterical after the fact and I continued to laugh all the way home. How could I possibly be angry with my daughter when just yesterday I backed my van into the garage door? I have really tapped into my sense of humor and have come to realize laughing something off feels so much better than feeling angry or upset. I hope no one is watching me write this because I am having repeated bouts of hysterical laughing now just trying to get through writing this. It must appear that I have gone mad. I actually think I have.

Ever Feel Stuck?

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Sometimes I have some pretty specific plans but life changes them. I am sitting here in my car that won’t start frustrated that I cannot do the things I need to do today. My niece has a birthday on Thursday and I brainlessly sent her gift to Oklahoma instead of Pennsylvania so the first thing on my list was mailing her package. The second was food shopping because I avoided the dreaded task all weekend and now I am left stranded with no dinner plan. I feel like this often…stuck and forced to deal with the situation that has been handed to me. They say you can learn a lot about yourself by the way you react to situations like this and I am not reacting at all. That is one thing about depression that sometimes comes in handy. You don’t really want to do the things you have to do anyway so when you can’t do them it’s almost bittersweet.  Usually my husbands truck is here but that along with his car, is sitting in his parking lot at work so I’ll just sit here for now without the need to ponder what I will do next because there is nothing that I can do. Do you ever feel stuck? What do you do about it? How do you react?

Think Before You Park

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I believe our thoughts should be the spaces in a parking garage and the car we drive should be our mind. There are so many empty spots just waiting for us but we are responsible to choose the one that will get us closest to the place we need to be. For some of us, it’s an exit, for others it’s a door, and yet for some it’s probably an elevator to take us to a whole different level on a totally different floor. So, ask yourself if the empty parking places were your mind, and your car was a thought, would it really make sense to park sideways and occupy 3 places at one time? Just something to think about.

Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Parked There

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I feel like I am always on fast forward in a world that moves at a slow motion pace. I always seem to be ten steps further in thought than those around me. Here is an example of something that happened last night that really set me off. The kids have basketball practice inside of a church gym. There is a circle drive in front and all the parents park along the right side of the circle. This particular, very large SUV decided she was going to sit with her car running on the left side of the circle. So, me being 10 steps ahead would know that stopping in that particular place would hold up all the cars behind me and I would know to move to a different spot. So, I run in and get my son and run to the car because it is already 8:05 and I have two kids that need to eat dinner, which I still have to make, so they can get in bed at a decent hour for school the next day. So, if it didn’t ring a bell that cars were lined up behind her, surely she had to see me RUNNING to my car, jumping in, turning my lights on and flashing them several times as I sat stuck behind her. But, no. There she sat either oblivious to the derailment behind her or consciously making a point to hold everyone up. AND….there was an empty space right in front of her so if she moved up just a few feet, everyone would be able to finally get by. This is the same woman that is in charge of keeping an entire grade of students on task and I have to shudder at the thought that her lack of reasoning is a deterrent from functioning successfully at her job. I don’t like to judge really, but when my mom stepped up and asked her to move she asked for specific instruction on where would be a good place for her to move to. She seriously just did not know. So, I ask myself again, how do I acquire enough patience and self control to survive in a world that is clearly moving at an entirely different pace? Don’t worry though. It was about 9:30 last night that my megaphone caught my eye, and the little button that switches over to siren mode might just be the solution I am searching for.

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A little common sense goes a long way 🙂

CONTROL

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Am I control freak? You bet I am. You will do what I want, when I want, and how I want or I will make your life a living hell. I will nag you, stalk you, stare at you and continue to bug the heck out of you until you give me what I want. So, where did I learn this amazing talent? From being a mom. I can wait these scandalous kids out until they have no choice but to surrender to my demand.

It’s funny looking back, I wasn’t always this way. Really, I was normal. I would ask nicely and wait patiently and then I gave birth to the most strong-willed little girl you could ever expect. Yes, she was adorable, on the outside anyway, but on the inside she was an absolute terrorizing monster. That girl taught me how to be tough. I remember when she was just 3, I would give her the look, you know the one that would make us timid people sit down and shut up. One simple look, and we knew we were in deep trouble. Well this little ball of terror could and would stare back at me with bigger, meaner eyes and not even think about looking away. She would hold my gaze until finally I would have to blink. Little Miss Sassypants! That was her name. Then she would stick her tongue out all the time. So one day, I decided to put something yucky on her tongue to teach her a lesson. You know what I learned form that genius adventure? No matter what I did to her, that tongue was still coming out, like it or not. She was like a gosh darn well trained army and I was just the new recruit.

So, fast forward through the years. Yesterday, I was driving my still strong willed 15 year old to swim practice. I really cannot tolerate the music she likes so after 5 minutes of suffering through it, I realized I held all the power right in my hands. Literally! I am sure it must have been a mom who invented the radio controls right there on the steering wheel. Oh yeah! You see where I’m going with this one now don’t you! I had found the light and I was sprinting towards it. With one little touch of the finger my country music was back on.

Are you wondering how this story is going to end or do you already think you know? We spent the entire car ride fighting back and forth pushing buttons and not one song was ever heard. Did either one of us win really, probably not but we sure laughed pretty hard the entire way. I love that stubborn little girl and I admit I do admire her persistence. I am counting on the fact that one day it will take her very far.

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