As many argue over and push the issue of gun control, I am convinced the most dangerous weapon of all is our words. What we say and what we post sends out an energy that either fuels a fire that is already burning out of control or contains it. Unlike guns, everyone comes equipped with a mouth. It is up to each and everyone of us to use it respectfully and this “I won’t sit down, I won’t shut up” attitude that has infected most of America is killing our spirit. Once you kill the spirit and morale of the people, what is left? How do you live in a world that is in constant conflict and continuous chaos? Some people thrive in that scenario. It gives them purpose but it also holds peaceful people in a prison they cannot escape. There is always someone lurking around the corner to pounce on your words and fight the good fight. Many of us are tired. We don’t care what you think. We just want you to be kind and be quiet but there is a strong force in this country that breeds selfishness and stifles the common good and humanity as a whole. People who think they are warriors are creating a battle most of us do not want to be part of. We need more quiet, more reflection, more lovers and peacemakers and less of your endless opinions. Sometimes it’s better to keep your thoughts and words to yourself. Having the right of freedom of speech does not entitle you abuse other people. At some point you have to decide, is what I’m about to say going to contribute to more hostility or more peace? I guess you’d have to care about others more than yourself to even contemplate the question in the first place. Sit with that for a while.
One week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes.
For weeks I have been sabotaging myself. The more I practice this devoted art of self hatred, the more addicting it becomes. Out of control seems to be the theme these last two months. Why do I do it?
Does it feel good?
Does it make me happy?
Do I want to continue this ridiculous pattern?
Do I really need to eat an entire bag of mini Cadbury eggs in one day?
Well yes, of course, so why do I keep buying bag after bag, week after week?
The answer is simple. There is some messed up part of me that feels the need to bring what I cannot control on the outside to the inside of me as well. It’s like I am a rebellious little girl that says, you think it’s out of control out there? Wait until you see how uncontrolled it can be in here.
It’s sad. It’s stupid and it doesn’t make a bit a sense. So, I am devoting this next week to counteracting every self loathing behavior with healthy behaviors that will actually make me feel, well, I’m guessing pretty darn good.
Will it be hard?
Will I try and talk myself out of it?
Can I do this for one whole week?
One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Ready, set, go!
In my lifetime, I have learned that not everyone has good intentions. I used to trust everyone to do what is kind and right but people have let me down time and time again. My daughter has an odd situation when it comes to swim team. The same coach has the job of coaching both our high school teams from different sides of town and the teams train and travel together. Only one team is very good and unfortunately it is not ours. Last year, much to everyone’s surprise, both our girls and boys team finished in the top seven. For how few kids we have on the team, this was a huge accomplishment. The thing the girls were most proud of was making the top 8 finals for their 200 free relay. They were elated.
This year he has taken that 200 free relay away from them and put them in the 400 free relay. Last night 2 out of three teams finished a lap and a half ahead of them. They don’t even stand a chance in that one. So today there is another meet. Kayleigh told him a month ago tonight is the semi- formal dance at her school only and that she had to leave early from the meet. Today, he sends a message that she is again in the 400 free relay, which is the last event of the meet and guess who is the last swimmer? Usually she is the second swimmer. This meet isn’t even that important.
What is the underlying purpose of this post? Don’t be a jerk. Don’t go out of your way to do the exact opposite of what is good for someone or the reverse of what they want. You won’t gain any respect that way and I think it’s obvious what it will make you look like. Just don’t do it.
Now, because it is against policy to drive yourself to a meet, we have to drive 2 hours to try and get her home as soon as possible so that she is somewhat ready before 13 kids and the limo arrive here to pick them up. Wish me luck!
Because I am a control freak, my demeanor often reflects that too. I am not outwardly too much of anything. I am a numbed down version of who I should probably be. I don’t like to surrender myself in any situation. That includes matters of the heart or matters of my own will. We all have triggers I guess and last night schoolwork turned me into a loaded gun. I get to that point where I just snap and I hate myself for it in the minutes that follow. It’s hard for me to shake that side of myself off. I hold myself to a pretty high standard and when I act in a way I don’t approve, I take it pretty hard. Sure, it’s easy to say everyone makes mistakes and it’s important to forgive and do better. There are just some lines that should never be crossed. The first time, we just look at the line and it feels awful. Next time we move a little closer and maybe touch it with the bottom of our foot. Eventually we have the confidence to step right over it and never come back. I see that pattern in people all the time. It’s like taking that first drink that leads to a lifetime of debilitating drinking. That’s how it starts and knowing my own limits and not going outside of them is something I’ve always practiced and admired in myself. So what is one to do when that imaginary line has been broken? Is it possible to imagine it there again and promise not to do it again or is it important to be honest and say what’s broken will always be broken and remember how this day feels because of one bad choice and don’t ever make it again. It’s not even something that would be that big of a deal for the average person, but a step out of my comfort zone in this direction was surely a step in the wrong direction. So today, I will try and convince myself it’s okay to make an occasional mistake and make that important promise to myself that I will grow from it and next time choose better. You can never go back but you can choose to remain stuck in a moment or to move forward. I’m going to keep on moving.
Today’s a big day in our house. I know to some it will seem silly but for me, it’s a major step in a new direction. I am a control freak. There I said it. I have no idea how I got this way but I did and the good thing is that I recognize it in myself. In some ways it’s a blessing. I am organized, always on the ball and ahead of life instead of chasing behind it trying to catch up. For the people in my life though, it’s probably not a blessing at all. I have an opinion about how everything should be, a strong one. So, after 16 years of having my first child, I am finally letting her take control of her own hair. As long as it doesn’t involve crazy colors(yes I held onto a little control) she can do whatever she wants. Am I nervous? Yes, but it’s so important to do whatever it takes to make you feel the most beautiful version of yourself on the inside and out. Wish me luck as I try and sit there with my lips zipped and probably my eyes closed.
I think it’s time for us to finally break up. We have tried to make this relationship work for a long time now and it just doesn’t feel good anymore. I have stuck by you and all the while you have dragged me down. You’ve become almost an obsession for me and I don’t know where you end and I begin. Maybe it’s time you leave and find someone who will welcome you. There is a better partner for you out there somewhere but I am not the one. You have wasted enough of my time and I want to feel the freedom again of being on my own. I want to experience life without you by my side tainting my perception of every experience. I want to stand alone and see how it feels to take that first step without you holding me back. There comes a time for everything and this is the time we must part. I want a partner that makes me feel happy and alive and confident that everything will be okay. You are not that one. I know that now. Pack your bags, go away and never try to force yourself back into my life. I’m done. We’re done. It’s time to start a new life without you in it. Are you listening? Just go.
There I said it, I’m a controL freak. I am a firm believer that we are faced with different situations to teach us a particular lesson until we finally start to get it. When I look closely at what is being to presented to me, there seems to be a common theme. Control.
If you speak to my family and friends, they will tell you my house is always clean. I am crazy when it comes to my house. I have this insatiable need to keep it presentable and organized with as little clutter as possible. For me, a clean house is a clear and calm mind. I don’t even try and understand it, I just make it happen.
Last year we battled fruit flies and it was an exhausting experience. This year it’s pantry moths. I have spent the entire morning throwing out food and wiping my pantry off with Clorox, vinegar and soap and water.
I am an absolute baby when it comes to bugs. Every time one flies at me, I scream like a 5 year old girl. I smashed one with my hand earlier and it got stuck to my finger. The way I carried on, you would think I needed to cut it off.
So, control. This is a reminder that no matter how clean I keep my house, no matter how hard I try and manipulate my surroundings, I will never, ever be in control. Not only do I have to allow this in my life, I also need to be able to work around it. These bugs are supposed to be lesson for me and as I smash each one, I will be thankful and let them know how grateful I am that they are infesting my clean house.
More about control later, I must get back to removing these bugs. What are some obvious lessons that have been presenting themselves to you lately? I’d love to hear about it.
Who is flying your plane? Think about it in simple terms. If your entire life was a journey, would you sit in the passenger seat of your own life? Would you leave the decisions and planning up to someone else or take the responsibility to do it on your own? This is YOUR life. You only get one trip around the sun so plan it well. Don’t leave it in the hands of someone else. Fly wherever you want to go. You will find freedom there. That is where living begins and the journey becomes all it can be. The sky’s the limit. Fly away!
I have a distant memory of a time long ago when I was a young girl. The need and urgency to lay out the day did not exist back then. The hours and minutes would be welcome in their own time, one at a time, with no need to rush them along. These days, now that I am grown, I feel unsettled when the minutes lack any sense of structure. It is hard to comfortably sit back and just let it be. I feel uneasy not preparing for the details of the day. I guess that’s what adulthood does, makes us so responsible that we lose the ability to loosen our grip on the stifling reigns of responsibility even for a small snippet of time. Even as I sat eating my breakfast, I was already consumed by what we would be having for lunch and dinner. I spend so much time planning for every detail that I lose the ability to take a moment to relax. Time to make some big changes. I can’t go on living this way. Nobody should. The best moments of all are the ones we are truly present for, not the ones where we bring the past to the future or waste the one we are in thinking about what is yet to come. So, please join me in my new journey to finding a path that helps me let go of my need to control. Sit with me as a passenger where I willingly choose to take my hands off the wheel and sit back and enjoy the ride. Who knows what we may discover on the way.
Expect the unexpected. Who knows what the day will bring? Don’t force it, just allow it to happen while staying open to all possibilities. They say the day is what you make of it so why make anything of it at all? Sounds like a day of work if you ask me and last time I checked, the weekend was here. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to screw it up, just let it unfold and be open to whatever comes. We try and control everything and realize sooner or later that we control nothing. Maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be because our plan and the bigger plan are usually two different things. Enjoy the day. Think less and live more. That is the real secret to life.