Can Anybody See Me?

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I’ve been joking about being comfortably numb lately. It’s as if all of my emotions, my feeling have sank beneath a level being palpable. If I had to put a word to it I would say I am removed, unaffected, distanced from anything more than movement. I have shut off and decided to allow my feelings to hibernate for the winter. Is it depression? Midlife crisis? Hopelessness? Or did Everything inside of me quit when I wasn’t looking? It’s really hard to put into words. I notice the flatness in my words, I see the zombie look on my face, filled with nothing, no sign of life, just two dead eyes sitting there behind my hair staring blankly.

Today, I felt a small jolt. A tiny sense of fight inside me that made me realize how far away I have been for far too long. It was easier there, a safe haven, a place to hide while the rest of the world moved on without me. Maybe I didn’t want to be part anymore, maybe I wanted to drop out and sit on the bench. I am such a passionate person and when I throw myself into the things I am passionate about, sometimes I get lost in the journey along the way. I am like a gigantic vein who slowly drains of every drop of blood until that vein becomes flat, empty, useless, done. That is how I have been feeling…done, game over, withdrawn, sucked dry. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel with such great intensity. I seem to be affected by everything on such a deeper level than most people I know. Every emotion, every feeling magnified until eventually I catch fire and become completely scorched. 

Today, I feel the slight twinge of life. It is distant but it is still there and for that I am grateful. No matter how detached I feel, I always make a mental list of the things I am grateful for. As long as there is at least one thing always on that list, there is hope. What are you grateful for today?

A Sad Day

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I am a sensitive soul. I don’t feel good around conflict and violence actually makes me feel sick inside. I am heartbroken over what I see around me. Yes, I know there is good in the world, there are random acts of kindness and goodness that move me beyond words but there is also a darkness. People are cold hearted. They are cruel and hurtful and worst of all hateful. They can destroy people with their words and actions and never even feel a ping of remorse. It starts in subtle ways, the disrespect and damage we do to others and before we know it we have someone beheading another on the internet for everyone to see. How does one become so cold and cruel. How does one validate their feelings enough to destroy others around them. The pain in my heart when I witness such acts is more than I can bear. There is no excuse to mistreat anyone ever, not one reason good enough to destroy or demean another human being. And the fact that some grow cold enough to take the life of another is something I will never understand. Violence is bad. It is like a wildfire that spreads from person to person. Behavior that should be appalling is now becoming part of everyday life. Take a look at yourself. Find a way to open your heart and treat others with kindness and respect. We are all human beings and each and every one of us deserves the respect of those around us. If your heart has grown hateful and hard remember we are teaching those same behaviors to the people who are watching. I cannot imagine being a mother or a friend of someone who is publicly beheaded for the world to see. How can someone’s anger and emotion and hatred become so great that he not only destroys one life but damages all the lives connected to that person as well. This has got to stop. People have got to get a handle on acting out. This need for revenge is a sickness beyond repair. Who do we think we are as a people that we think we have the right to make someone pay for our own demons who rule our minds? There are no words for this lack of humanity. There is a saying that goes ” I see humans but no humanity”. Don’t be part of that movement. You have to be stronger and better than your lack of self control and your impulse to act out in anger. My perfect world is a world of peace and respect. A place where violence does not live freely among people who know the difference from right and wrong. We do not have the right to strike out against others. It says much less about the victim and much about the perpetrator. Innocent people get hurt everyday, their lives destroyed one disrespectful word and action at a time. I hope I can get the image of that video out of my head. I am truly sick. Remember, that type of behavior does not happen over night. It builds one day at a time until we are so out of control it becomes second nature to take the life of another. I pray for people to be influenced more by their hearts and compassion and less by anger and hatred.

When Planning Just Doesn’t Work

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Some days don’t go as planned. In fact sometimes weeks and months and years don’t go as we planned. It takes time, but eventually we realize it was never really our plan at all. There is such a peacefulness that comes with accepting the truth that we cannot control the world around us. We cannot control people or events or the weather or anything else. The only thing we can control is our own attitude and how we respond to the people and events in our everyday life. Sometimes I believe life hands us a test and we have to take it over and over until we learn to respond the proper way. We have to find a way to stop reacting and take control over the only thing we really do have control over at all, our own words and actions and emotions. It sounds so easy as I type the words on this page but I know how hard I struggle to do a little bit better every day. Some days I throw in the towel and completely fail, but other days I make those small baby steps that lead to bigger steps. One day I hope to run fast enough until I can lift off and fly. That is my goal, to rise above the pettiness that comes from indulging my reactions. Even better, to rise above the pettiness of others reactions.