What Should We Call This?

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I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. They say the garden only grows in places you water it. I think the worst part about depression is there is always a drought. You have a minuscule amount of water, so you have to pick and choose where you sprinkle it. You have to conserve as much water as you can while still making sure everything in your garden is growing strong. Do you clean the house or get out of bed and get dressed? You seriously have to choose which one is more important that day. As you feel yourself plummeting further and further, you have no choice but to let some things wither away and all you can do is stand there and watch. It’s not your choice, you’re too darn tired to do anything else.

I have the most beautiful rose bushes outlining my back yard. With the extreme amount of heat we’ve been having combined with my extreme fatigue, I haven’t walked out back in quite some time. I thought I could see the shape of my bushes changing. Deep down I knew they were being swallowed up by that fungal disease that makes them drop all their leaves but instead of doing something about it, it was easier to just not go outside. My hose was empty and if I didn’t look, I didn’t see.

I walked out there today and I became furious with myself. Just like my own garden, my own self was suffering. I felt so sorry for those innocent roses. They were counting on me to take care of them and I let them down. How could I take care of them, take care of my family AND take care of me? Mind over matter, that’s how. I did my best to trim them back and spray something to kill the disease but now I’m drained, not a single drop of water left. Every ounce of energy I had is gone and it’s not even 2:00. Insomnia kept me company most of last night and if I go to sleep now, tonight will be an unfortunate repeat of last night.

I hate depression. It’s the first thing in my life I haven’t been able to fight. And the guilt? Depressed about what? For the most part, I really have a great life. So how could I possibly feel this way? It not only affects me but also everyone else that lives around me. 

Don’t ever sneer at someone for having a depressing tone or depression period. Its not a performance or sporting event and it surely doesn’t need your judgement. It’s hard to know what anyone else is going through and the worst thing you can can do to somebody with depression is put them down or make them feel even more guilty then they already do. We get that you don’t understand but do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do for anyone, depressed or not, is to be kind and offer to lend patience and a supporting hand. We are all connected and we need to start acting that way.

Don’t Say The F Word

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I can deny it all I want. I can ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. I can never ever say the word again but it will never just magically disappear. I’m not sure when it happened. Maybe it crept up on me slowly or perhaps it showed up in full force one very sad day. One thing I know for sure is that miserable F word, fatigue has become my new travel companion. I just can’t seem to shake it. No matter what I eat or how much I exercise, there are certain times of the day I feel completely exhausted. I can’t help but wonder if it is just a typical over 40 thing. I fight my way through it mostly but it is really starting to catch up and slow me down. Anyone else feeling it too?

Help! I Can’t Sleep

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I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I watched the clock change before my eyes as I struggled to find a sense of quiet that would afford me the opportunity to drift off to sleep. Isn’t it amazing how we can walk into a room in the middle of the day and have no idea why we are standing there in the first place? Then something magical happens at nightfall and everything becomes crisper and clearer. It’s as if the brain magically over magnifies every single thought that races through my head. The tiniest situation feels like a major ordeal in the middle of the night. I toss and turn and fight the voices in my head searching for some solitude from the noise that’s keeping me awake. What do you do to help you fall asleep? How do you quiet everything down so you can drift off to a peaceful sleep? I have tried the voice led meditations in the past and they have worked well but I am not the only one in the bed. I am looking for some suggestions and solutions for those nights that feel like they are never going to end.