One Week Ends and Another Begins

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Another week is over and we are heading into a brand new one. Ask yourself, how am I feeling? Are you excited, stressed, looking forward to or stressing over the days to come? It’s good to check in with your internal compass. Is it pointing you ahead or is dragging you back or allowing you to be content right where you are? What do you do to mentally prepare for the start of a new week? Maybe it’s nothing at all.

I Feel Small

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I woke up on the right side of the bed very early today and then out of nowhere everything starting going so wrong. I started to shrink up until I felt so small. I felt so small I wanted to crawl back in that bed, make tight fists and bang on those pillows until I taught them a lesson. I felt so small I wanted to fall asleep and not wake back up. I felt so small I wanted to take my very best roundhouse kick to the side of someone’s jaw. I wanted to throw my hardest uppercut into the abdomen of everyone who has been unfair. I wanted to shrivel up and cry like a baby and move beyond feeling like a tiny dead ant on the bottom of a size 12 workboot. I feel small like pulling my car to the side of the road, ripping out every political sign and ripping them into tiny pieces. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs so the sound of my voice makes up for how small and powerless I feel. I feel like beeping at the jerk I’m front of me in the Starbucks line who is holding everyone up. I don’t like feeling that small. It is scary and hopeless and I don’t like the dark.

I was picking up a pizza earlier and there was a little girl with curly blond hair who caught my eye. She was wearing a sparkly blue dress. I noticed there were several kids in costumes beaming from ear to ear because of the way they looked. I wanted to feel small like that again. I wanted to feel small like Cinderella or Princess Elsa. I wanted to be that power ranger and wear the cape of the little boy dressed like superman. Sometimes I want to feel small like that again. I want to feel small enough to not be responsible for everyone. I want to be too small to wear my kids pain on my heart like a gigantic, heavy wind chime. I want to be so small that I don’t wobble because the weight of the world is crushing my bones. I want to be small like a child in a Halloween costume excited all day at the thought of going trick or treating.

As I sit here, I remind myself that I can never be that small again, in either example. I am bigger than I feel. It’s feelings and emotions and expectations that make me feel small. I am so much bigger than them. I am mom and a wife and I am responsible for everyone around me. They are watching and no matter how small I feel I can never act that small, ever. I am bigger than that and this will eventually all pass. Once in awhile, I dream of that little girl who was so full of life though so very small. I remember the light in her big brown eyes. I think back to when I was surrounded by the support of friends who took the form of several stuffed animals. They would listen to me and make everything alright and at the end of the night we would be lying in that bed dreaming of how life would be when we grew up. How ironic, now the bed is small and I am big and I dream of a time I was small again. That’s just how life is, don’t you think?