One of Those Days

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It’s one of THOSE days. You know, the kind when you call the church to ask for a letter so your daughter can be a godmother and when they ask you the baby’s name, you give them the wrong one. How embarrassing right? Not an easy thing to explain away. 

This is what happens when your nephews are named after your brothers and you are afraid you might hold it against them. So, you give them a different name and even go as far to buy them special little ornaments with the name you gave them on it. So, it’s understandable when the lady on the phone asks you for your nephews name and you draw a blank. First you can’t remember at all because you have erased that name from your mind and then when you do recall, you have a 50/50 chance to get the name right and you say the wrong brothers name. Yeah, you don’t even try and explain, you just make the correction and hang up as soon as you can.

Yep! One of those days.

Am I Cray Cray?

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I admit my reaction is often over exaggerated and unnecessary. Can I help it? I have no idea. Why do I go straight to crazy? My daughters driving is like a first class ticket to freak out town. Lately though, she has been doing a much better job and as we backed out of our parking spot tonight, I thought to myself how nice it was to finally be able to relax when she is behind the wheel. I guess I forgot driving my big van is much different from her little Ford Focus. Next thing I know the car is rocking to the left and then to the right and the scraping sound was like my cats nails on my wooden dining room chair. I cannot tell you what I was repeatedly screaming as she continued to apply pressure to the gas peddle with no intention of stopping. Just for the record, I was not praying. In the meantime, I drop the phone from my ear right in the middle of my conversation with, of all people, MY MOTHER who has the terrible misfortune of hearing the entire fiasco play out real time. Did I mention my mother is supposed to stay calm so her blood pressure does not get too high? 

After we survive what I think is a curb, a really big, oversized curb, I pick the phone back up and start laughing uncontrollably.. It was hysterical after the fact and I continued to laugh all the way home. How could I possibly be angry with my daughter when just yesterday I backed my van into the garage door? I have really tapped into my sense of humor and have come to realize laughing something off feels so much better than feeling angry or upset. I hope no one is watching me write this because I am having repeated bouts of hysterical laughing now just trying to get through writing this. It must appear that I have gone mad. I actually think I have.

How Do You React?

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I have discovered over the last few years that my reaction to what life throws at me shows  me the real truth about my character. It’s so easy to see how crazy other people can act yet sometimes it’s impossible to see it in myself. It took a long time to recognize what bothered me about others, especially how they reacted to and handled particular situations was exactly what I was embarrassed about in myself. I am an over reactor by nature. I grew up that way and for years I have focused on undoing the straight jump to panic mode and doom and gloom. Believe me, I’m not quite there yet but I am much calmer and more collected than I used to be. Thank goodness I guess because this came in very handy last night when I discovered my rabbit Puff was not a female. I do not have two female bunnies after all but rather the unfortunate circumstance of having one of each. What can I possibly do now anyway? It’s much too late to worry about that now. The ongoing Facebook joke is my rabbits are no longer Cocoa and Puff, they are now Cocoa and Puff Daddy. Very funny. The jokes on me .

Please Don’t Ban The Minions Too!

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Ban religion, ban the flag but please don’t ban our McDonalds minion toys. From the  moment I got out of bed today, I have been laughing uncomtrollably. My husband called and told me to check out the latest news and all I could think was, really? Now what? See, with the latest trend being banning, I have taken it upon myself to ban the news. However, I was pleasantly surprised that there was finally breaking news to make me smile, well laugh I guess.

Apparently parents are upset by what sounds like an inappropriate phrase spoken by the innocent minion wearing orange pants. Maybe it’s innocent, maybe planned but hearing the minion say what sounds like “wtf” is pretty darn funny. I put it to the test myself. I had my 13 year old son listen to the phrase over and over and he honestly had no idea what this hysterical yellow (I don’t know what) was saying. In fact he got pretty frustrated that he couldn’t figure it out. When I told him what they were alleging he was saying, he cracked up. So, I say if you’re not looking for those words specifically, you probably wouldn’t notice them but if a young child does pick it up, my question is where did he hear that phrase in the first place? The double edge sword for parents is by bringing it to the attention of the media, DUH! It will certainly get more attention. 

Are they really naughty of just wondering what really is going on with humans today? Anyway, least be honest, aren’t we all a little naughty?

Am I going from McDonalds to find that adorable minion toy for myself? I’ll never tell!

Please leave our minions alone!

The Difference Between 20 and 40!

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When women are first married, they are trying their best to get along. They complain little and go out of their way to try and please. Years later, we wake up in our 40s and the little annoying things we stayed quiet about in our twenties are driving us crazy in our forties. We don’t exactly list those things so you know why we are stewing all the time, we just watch and wait for the perfect time to make your life a living….. Well, let’s just stop there. This is highly confidential boys but here is the list. I suggest you take it very seriously and find a way to undo the wrath you have created for yourselves over the last several years.

1) Burping. It’s funny if she does. It’s disgusting if you do. Period.

2) Piles. Put your junk away out of sight. Every pile you make infuriates her more. She will start to think of you as one gigantic pile of sh?!. Sorry, it’s true

3) Home Depot! Every second you spend standing in the same aisle looking at the same objects, she is fantasizing of ways to use those items to cause you pain. It sounds harsh, but believe me it’s true.

4) Driving around aimlessly while pretending you know where you are going. HUgE turnoff!

5) Channel flipping. Put the clicker down and try holding her hand for a change.

6) Watching the same movie over and over. Pretend she’s an old movie and pay her some attention.

7) Reminding her of your life before her and telling her she’s the reason you don’t fish, golf, drink, ski. That will get you far. Keep it up.

8) Making time for everyone and everything but her. Pencil her in. She needs to feel special too.

9) Not changing the kitty litter. Man up! She is sensitive to smell.

10) Beer guts! Seriously, do you want her to have one? Oh that’s right….it’s her fault you don’t exercise too. See number 7.

Well, that’s a small list but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Ladies, anything you’d like to add?

Surviving a Sobriety Checkpoint

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I moved away from family nearly 12 years ago. When my kids were little I used to go back and visit for 3 weeks at a time. On this particular visit, I was planning a big night on the town, with my little my brother and my favorite sister. We didn’t have the chance to get together very often, so this was our night to get out and have some fun. Hour after hour rolled by and before I knew it, I was drunk. For those of you that don’t know me, having a drink when I’m out is NOT a common occurrence. Considering mom and dad were watching the kids, and my brother was driving me home, I figured what the heck. So, somewhere around now is when things started to get fuzzy. I can’t remember exactly how much I had to drink but I remember reclining my seat back as soon as we got into the car and falling asleep. That was the night I realized my little brother was no longer a little boy and had become somewhat of a responsible man. I remember him saying “Kim, you might want to try and sit up” Why? I replied. You’ll see, just go ahead and sit up.

My brother describes me as a bobble-head in that moment as I fought my lifeless body up to a sitting position. I couldn’t see real well, but through my half opened eyes and blurry vision I thought I saw in the distance oh My God Police Cars! Please no, I can’t go to jail ! I have 2 little kids! That is the moment I had a complete panic attack. There we were entering the tiny town I had lived most of my life, where absolutely everyone knew everyone, and all I could do was try to shake the complete sense of dread that had taken over my entire body. I couldn’t help but envision the headlines of tomorrows paper. There I was, my picture plastered on the front page of being tucked into a police car in the parking lot of that baseball field, mascara running down my face, bloodshot eyes filled with shame. It is that image, in that moment, that I found the will to sit up a little straighter. I just wouldn’t have it. No way! Not me, who never got in trouble a day in my young life. I would make it through this sobriety checkpoint, but I sure didn’t know how. I remember how calm my brother was that night, as we sat in line, waiting for our turn. I believe the pure sense of fear at that moment sobered me up enough to at least look wide awake. Just stay calm he said as tons of his old buddies waved wildly at us as they were taken away in handcuffs, falling to walk that straight line of doom. I don’t know how he pulled it off. He smiled at the officer and was polite. The officer asked where we were headed as he glanced in the back seat, and my brother said “just on our way home sir”. I am pretty sure it was the sight of my children’s car seats that led the police to believe we were not part of the foolish gang being driven away! Just for kicks though, we called my sister to tell her the story only we left out the part that we were the lucky ones that got away. ” Sherry, we are in jail and you are our one call, will you come get us and please….don’t tell mom.” That is when we inflicted her with the same sense of dread we had just luckily escaped ourselves. What a fun night!