I know what people think. Wow, she gets to sleep in and lay around all day blogging and watching soap operas. She has the life to do whatever it is she wants while the rest of the world goes to work. Well, I have many thoughts too but not all of them are entirely accurate. The truth is, if you don’t walk in someone else’s shoes, you really have no idea what their life is actually like.
I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to stay home and raise my kids. I continue to feel fortunate that I am home to take care everything at home and keep track of everyone’s schedule and be available to run everyone around. Secretly though, I feel frustrated, angry and dumped on. I think everyone forgets that just because I do not have a paying job, I am not here to cater to everyone’s needs. I am not here to pick up peoples trash or transfer their dishes from the sink to the dishwasher. I am not here to wash clothes and then carry them up steps and put them away in everyone’s drawers. I am a human being and once in awhile I would like to see everyone around here pull their own weight. I have become a prisoner to chores and driving and the sad truth is no one appreciates me anymore, it’s just become expected that I follow behind everyone taking care of their needs.
I made a choice a long time ago to put my needs on the back burner. I guess now I have to live with that mistake. In a world where people are believing they are entitled to anything and everything, I have now become the entitler. I often feel sad and angry and when I start my day each and every morning feeling like I am bound to others who have little appreciation for me, it is hard to not sink into this dark hole of anger that swallows me whole.
My dreams are not of traveling to far away places. They are actually much simpler. My dreams are of someone lightening my load without me having to ask. My dream is someone taking away my overwhelming chains of responsibility that tie me down. My dream is someone really looking at me as a human being and knowing I make personal sacrifices to always take care of everyone else. It is my choice, I know that. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for a way to vent so I can release all this negativity that has become stuck at my very core. It hurts to not feel human. It hurts to be trapped in a cage I have designed for myself. So I am looking for the key to escape so I can experience the freedom of a light, loving heart absent from the contempt and pain I carry that makes my heart dark and heavy. It is a terrible burden to carry, to live in the confines of a sad world I have created for myself. It is hard to admit I have forgotten how to dream and I have stopped trying to fulfill my purpose outside of catering to those who don’t seem to notice my pain. It is hard to admit that I am more than a mother, that I am also a woman and a human being that needs support and respect. It is hard to admit that I have stopped living period at my own expense.
These are my confessions of a stay at home mom. I know I am supposed to feel like the luckiest person in the world and believe I am working in the most important job of all, but the truth is it comes with guilt and shame and is not always what it appears to be. I am chained to being mom and house cleaner and dishwasher and driver and child advocate 24 hours with no escape to a job that actually pays and a staff that gets together for lunch. It is a lonely job and a thankless job and at the end of the day, there is nowhere to go. I am at work all the time, every day, every weekend, every holiday. We all need a break sometimes, even mom. I have learned so much about myself through my personal choices. I learned that I am not a superhero even though I wear a cape, I cannot leap over problems with a single bound, or fly over the rocky points to avoid the pain. I am only human, every day and I do not have the power to create a perfect world for those around me. I am connected to every failed paper, dirty dish, bad race, heartbreak or circumstance and there is no escape. That is what comes along with the job title of mom. And I am also tied to the joy, accomplishments, and special moments that make this whole job worth it in the very end. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but know, it is not as easy as everyone might believe. Next time you see a stay at home mom, remember, she could use a little help once in a while too. And that little deed you offer to do might make all the difference to help her carry on and continue to selflessly do for those around her.