Today’s a big day in our house. I know to some it will seem silly but for me, it’s a major step in a new direction. I am a control freak. There I said it. I have no idea how I got this way but I did and the good thing is that I recognize it in myself. In some ways it’s a blessing. I am organized, always on the ball and ahead of life instead of chasing behind it trying to catch up. For the people in my life though, it’s probably not a blessing at all. I have an opinion about how everything should be, a strong one. So, after 16 years of having my first child, I am finally letting her take control of her own hair. As long as it doesn’t involve crazy colors(yes I held onto a little control) she can do whatever she wants. Am I nervous? Yes, but it’s so important to do whatever it takes to make you feel the most beautiful version of yourself on the inside and out. Wish me luck as I try and sit there with my lips zipped and probably my eyes closed.
What you resist persists. About two years ago I started getting baby grays. Actually, my entire face was framed with wiry strands. I would get my hair colored and a few weeks later, the white would start poking through. When the going gets tough the tough get going so I had this ridiculous idea to pluck out all the white strands. It didn’t take long before I was almost bald along side of my ears. Tough lesson to learn. I still decided to resist. Before I knew it, the hair had grown back in completely white. I had strands of pure white about an inch and a half wide. Today, I am happy to report I bought my first box of root touch up. I am going to live happily side by side with the white in my hair and simply cover it up. There are some things we just have to learn to live with no matter how much we want to change it. It is in those moments we find misery or we find grace or if we are fortunate enough, we find a five dollar box of something that makes it all better. The important thing is that we recognize what we can change and we take the action to do it and we find the peace live with the things we can’t. There’s never been another choice.
Red. That is the color I asked my hairdresser to dye my hair. I needed a change. Fall is coming and I am feeling a little dull so why not go out and do something a little bit bold, drastic maybe. That would help me feel alive. I was very clear on the shade of red. I wanted something very natural like the highlights I had as a child.
Today, I looked in the mirror and I wanted to cry. I had two choices, I could cut all my hair off or I could go back and maybe change the color. My red is anything but natural. It is Snookie red or the color red you would imagine to see on a punk rocker. Pink almost. That is what I see when the light shines directly on my head, pink.
As I stared in the mirror something occurred to me. When I do not like what I see in myself, my instinct is to hide. I decided I was not going to yoga and I wasn’t going outside anywhere today. I felt miserable and I was filled with sadness. Them I realized something else. Everyone feels this way from time to time, how could they not? It could be our image that is disappointing, our weight, our character or perhaps our attitude. When we don’t feel good in our own skin, we just want to disappear into the darkness where no one will see us. Then I reminded myself that this freaky hair color is temporary. It will fade over time and eventually my hair will return to its natural color. I wasn’t going to hide after all. I am the same me no matter the color was on top of my head and I put my yoga clothes back on and drove right there.
There is comfort in knowing we have the power to change whatever it is we do not like about ourselves but change is a gradual. With a little patience and a little persistence we can be back to our old selves or at least find the path back to be comfortable in our skin. The lesson here it’s not okay to hide. That is a sign you have given up. We cannot stop living just because there is something we are not happy about. Take the steps to change whatever it is and be the person you want to be. Be proud of who you are, even if you are 40 something and your hair is pink. Really, it’s okay.
I think sometimes I use the words impulsive and spontaneous as synonyms. However, in my mental dictionary the words mean entirely two different things. I am often proud to admit I’m sometimes spontaneous. If someone calls me with a great idea I am in, just like that, in that moment, I can be ready to go. However, when I get this absurd idea to cut the hair off that took me so long to grow, that is stupid and impulsive. So often, doing something spontaneous leads to a positive result, where as doing something impulsive leaves me with aching feelings of regret. So, which do you think I am feeling today and why am I writing about it? Let this be a written and painful reminder, one which maybe I will look back on next time I decide to cut my hair off, that maybe I should give my outward appearance a considerable amount of thought before I decide to change it so drastically in a single moment with the echoing and painful sound of the clicking of scissors. One snip and bam! Back to reality, not a great idea Kim screaming back from the logical part of my brain to my foolish, thoughtless impulsive part of myself. Another important reason to take the time to blog, learn from past mistakes by putting them in writing and revisiting them from time to time. I will post a picture once I’m able to see through these tears. Lesson learned…at least until the next opportunity arises to do something impulsive. Please share some of the thoughtless, impulsive things you have done so at least I can get my mind off mine…Looking forward to the much needed distraction!