Why So Soon?

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I knew this day would come but I didn’t realize it would get here so fast. I remember how stressed I used to feel when I tried to juggle two small children at the grocery store or rush from one gate to the other with toys, bags, snacks, a stroller and two kids who weren’t going to walk on their own. I remember waiting for my husband to get home truly believing I needed a break. I thought those days would never end of constant messes, endless feedings, clutter, crayons, tantrums, whining. They did actually come to an end though and I can’t even remember exactly when. As a parent, you move from one phase into an entirely new one with a different set of challenges along the way. 

I’ve put this week out of my mind the entire summer. I guess I tucked it back into a place so deep I could rest in denial for a few short weeks. Now it is here, the week I have been dreading. Thursday I will say goodbye to them, my babies, as they leave for school together for the first time in seven years. For one child, this is the last year of her high school adventure. The other child’s adventure is just beginning as he starts this year off as a high school freshmen. How in the world do I have two high schoolers already? Where did the time go and how can I make it slow down? I’m not ready to let them go yet. Just a few more months, a few more days, a few more hours to keep them close. It’s bitter sweet for me of course as I watch them grow into young adults who I’m sure will go out and contribute to this great big world but in my heart they are still my little ones who have made my world so very big. Without them I will feel small because they are a huge part of who I am. I pray the next three days creep by so I have them to myself a little bit longer before day by day they inch away. Parenting has been my biggest blessing and I cherish every single day.

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Time To Move On

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We all have that moment when it is time to give up. If we walk a particular path filled with roadblocks, eventually the time comes when we have to accept we are on the wrong trail and turn around. Our will is not necessarily Gods will. Just because we want something more than anything and will risk anything to get it does not guarantee it will be ours to have in the end.

When you sit in that moment in complete honesty with yourself you will find peace. Your path will become clear and you will realize it’s not defeat that you are facing but rather a redirection of where you are really supposed to be. That is the moment you put down the fear you once carried and realize now is the time to simply move on.

From My Mat To Yours

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There is a pose in yoga that I find really uncomfortable. It’s called pigeon pose and it’s hard for me to settle into because I have really tight hips. Today, the more I relaxed, the more comfortable it became. Everytime I would exhale, I would focus on relaxing into the pose until finally, it started to feel really good. It reminded me to stop fighting against the situations that make me feel uncomfortable. Like in yoga, sometimes life requires us to settle in and give up our desire and instinct to resist whatever it is that is causing us to feel uneasy and stressed. Sometimes it is necessary to breathe into where we are until the struggle inside of us starts to subside. It is in that moment, that place, where we are able to relax enough to become unstuck from the emotions that tie us to a particular event. The theme for today, the reoccurring message seems to be, relax, breath and just let go. From my mat to yours, namaste.

When the World Leaks In…

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As I woke up to complete chaos, I pondered, how in the world do I keep the crazy going on all around me outside of me? How do I remain in a state of inner peace when I am being shot in the head by gigantic spitballs by the enormous straws aimed directly for me surrounding me from every angle? It has been a question I have not been able to find an answer to, at least if I am being honest. Sure I go to yoga and I meditate and I blog and take time for myself but time has made me a much weaker target. I used to be really strong, able to let most things roll off my back, but now I am weak. As much as I hate to admit it, I can feel the foundation crumbling under my feet. How can I remain grounded when the ground is breaking up from underneath me? There must be a hole in me someplace where the outer world leaks directly into my inner world. That place that was once safe and private has become exposed to the toxic stress of the outside world. And how does it make me feel? Sick and toxic on the inside too. 

My mantra for today:

As I breathe in and out, I am reminded to let everything pass through me. I will not hold onto my breath or anything else I am faced with today. I am strong and this moment will be much different from the next one. Breathe and let it go with each breath.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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We speak often about when it’s time to let go. We fail to remember, sometimes we are meant to build bridges stronger rather than striking a match to burn them down.

 When it comes to relationships, often times our pride and ego get in the way. We tell ourselves people don’t deserve our love or kindness and we make the choice to cut them out of our life or worse, we stay and go through the motions imprisoning the other person we never really intend to have a real relationship with again. The truth is, sometimes when someone is pushing us away, it’s necessary to hold on a little bit tighter. People are stubborn today. They also lack a healthy amount of self control. They say and do things that hurt us in the most horrible ways just because they can’t stop themselves. Do we ever ask ourselves if maybe we do the same? Often it takes one person to continue to act from a place of love to assure the relationship will eventually be restored. What I know for certain is someone has to be the bigger person. Someone has to choose to act better to salvage the part of the relationship that might be worth saving. We have to learn to forgive and move on and stop ourselves from saying hateful things out of anger. We need to choose to come from a place of love with our words and actions if we are truly serious about saving our relationships. Sure we can decide we’ve had enough but we cannot ignore the way we damaged the relationship and pass the blame onto somebody else. Relationships are between two people and there is always room for improvement regardless of what side of that relationship you are on.  We cannot give up on every relationship when the reality of our humanness shows itself or when we discover our partner isn’t the perfect image we created them to be. No one is perfect so it’s no surprise relationships aren’t perfect either. If you want a good one and you want a good partner, then maybe this is the time you need to choose to be one. Start there. You can’t change your partner but you do have the opportunity to change yourself.

Remember, anyone can throw a match but it takes a strong, patient, dedicated person to build a solid bridge.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this~Terry Pratchett

If Pain Could Speak

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What do you do when someone you love sits you down and hits you with something you cannot comprehend? How do you catch your breath and beat on your own heart hard enough to make it work again? How do you go on when someone rips life as you’ve known it right out from underneath your feet? Your safety net has been cut loose and you are falling and falling wondering how much further you have to go. You want to hit the bottom so you can replace the pain in your heart with the physical pain of the fall. How do you stay trapped in each tick of the clock when all you want to do is escape? The ticking becomes so loud you cover your ears. It becomes one with the ticking of your heart. You can’t take anymore noise. You try and scream for help but the pain has even stifled your voice. There is no help on the way. You need to find quiet where you can start to think. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It’s just you and your pain and being forced to become one with it. How do you make peace with the palpitations that grow so loud they are almost deafening and the sheer panic you feel each time you awake and realize this is your life and not a bad dream? How do you stand to look in the mirror when the image staring back at you scares you to death? You are so thin, so pale. Your eyes are hollow and the light in them is gone, dead. That is how you look, exactly the way you feel, dead, dying from the inside out. It pains you even more to actually see the pain in your own face. You don’t even recognize her anymore. You look a little deeper and you know those eyes. Look at her, do it. Really look at her. You try and disassociate from yourself. She needs your help and she needs it now. Where do you put all that stuff that is sitting on you so heavily that you often have to work to breathe? How do you move on from something that rips you completely apart?

Time forces you to move even when you think you can’t. It doesn’t wait for you to be ready. It doesn’t wait until you have the will. You cannot stay in this space forever. We are all faced with a situation that rocks us to our very core. Somewhere, somehow, with patience and a lot of time, the answers become clear. You see a glimmer of light you haven’t seen in a long time. You want to go to it. You are drawn to it and long to feel the healing energy only it can provide. The heart heals enough to move you forward one step at a time. One more step away from what almost killed you days before. You start to breathe on your own again without effort. The palpitations slow and you start to come back to life. You’ve spent enough time in your pain and now it’s time to run and run until it is so far behind you that it will never catch up with you again. You have taken that demon, looked it straight in the eye and danced with it long enough. You are ready to find a new partner because you are a different person now. You will never be the same. You had no other choice but to leave that person behind and shed your skin. You couldn’t survive as that person anymore so you let her go, waved goodbye. You are ready for a fresh start and welcome it with open arms. In that precious moment, you choose to forgive. Not only the person who hurt you but yourself for letting it happen. You learn to love yourself back to life and never put your faith and trust into anyone again. Not all of it at least. You learn to hold back, protect yourself.

 

Even as I write these words, I can feel my body start to shake. The memory of the pain is excuciating for me even now, long after it first consumed my life. Even now, I need to remind myself that I am strong. I will keep moving on day after day. One step forward and never ever taking a single step back. I will not live in the past. It hurts way too much to go there again. I have a secret weapon now, self love. I am my own best friend and that will get me through anything. I have someone who will never let me down, me. I have someone who will always be there, even when the rest of the world is too busy to care.