When You Can’t Find Your Voice Anymore

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Sadly, I am learning the result of accommodating everyone in my life. I have spent so many years trying to keep the peace and make everyone else happy that finally I have lost my own voice. I cannot even hear it anymore and I can’t help but wonder if it even tries to speak. Everything has become a negotiation. Just this morning I wanted the family to go for breakfast and everyone had an attitude or conditions. Being a mom is not always easy and often times it is downright hurtful. I wait all week for a tiny slice of time for us to be together but someone always throws a stick in the spoke until the bike has a tragic accident. It’s broken and today I feel sad and broken but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I will go out and do something that makes me feel good. The others can stay home and be in good company with their cell phones, computers, attitudes and conditions and I will simply carry on. No sense throwing myself in the middle and crying victim. I am in charge of my own destiny and sometimes it is necessary to leave everyone behind and follow on my own path. As for being a woman, I have to stop using that as an excuse. I swear it is almost innate to make everyone feel important and included but you know what I’ve realized? It’s necessary to include myself in that behavior as well. Time to find my voice and make it strong again. Time for some conditions of my own. Time to make some changes starting right now. Wish me luck.

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The Beauty of In Between

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I can’t really remember the last time I didn’t have kids. It feels like I’ve been a mom most of my life even though that is far from the truth. Somewhere along with giving birth, I gave up who I used to be. I played into the lie that I had to act a certain way and live a certain lifestyle because there were little people watching. I was so focused on them that I lost being myself. Slowly, I am starting to remember. Tonight I am going to see Def Leppard for the first time. As I listen to their music today, I am sixteen again, sitting around a bonfire with all my friends. I am happy and smiling and free from the responsibility that weighs me down as the years of my life go flying by. I am that carefree teen again, on top of the world, living in eack moment as it spontaneously arrives. Music was and still is such a big part of my life. It helps me identify with my my own feelings and speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can. Music holds the key to so many memories and the more I listen, the more they come rushing back. I forgot some of them, at least for awhile. I thought I had to give up that part of myself to be the person I am today. That is so untrue. So today, and again tonight when I am standing in that hot arena listening to one of my favorite groups from my teenage years, I will reunite with that part of me I left behind and for at least that moment in time, we will become one. 

Don’t sacrifice who you are. Don’t be who you think the world expects you to be. You can be a wife, a mom and still rock out. You can be the person you are today and the person you were all those years ago. That is your true self, when you remember what ignites the passion of who you were and who you are and when you finally reach a point to stand in between. The view is beautiful from there and so complete. I hope you will join me and reunite with who you really are, free of fear from what anyone else thinks.

Enjoy The Little Things

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I’ve been dreading today for several hours now. I love when there is no schedule, when life isn’t handing me a detailed list of things to do. As I crawled out of my warm bed and headed to the car, I wasn’t looking forward to everything starting back up. We had a restful break and I enjoyed getting up and hanging out in pajamas all day. It took me years to say no to jumping willingly on the merry go round of this crazy thing we convince ourselves is life and today was the day to purchase a ticket. As I started driving my daughter to school, something dawned on me. This was the last month I would ever HAVE to do it. Her birthday is the first week in February and in a few short weeks she would be the one behind the wheel. This moment that I thought I dreaded turned into wanting for more days and more years to have that time, just me and her. In the blink of an eye our kids grow up. I’m not sure if it happens when we aren’t looking or if it creeps up so quietly that it catches us completely by surprise. All these years, I have been the one to get her to all the places she needed to be. It’s so hard to believe that soon she will take that job over for herself. The more I think about it, the more I realize it was never a job at all. I have been so fortunate to be the last one my kids see in the morning and the first person they see at the end of their school day. Or, perhaps I have been the lucky one. The years of career I have given up have blessed me with the details of my children’s lives. I haven’t had to miss a thing and I have enjoyed the ride. Some days seemed like an eternity. The challenges and the lessons and the disappointments consumed me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But the important thing is that I was there for all of it, the good, the, bad, the ugly, the sick days, the sad days, the happiest moments. I was their constant, that strong tree that was standing grounded and strong, that place they would always call home. Times are quickly changing and my roll is changing too. It is so bittersweet to watch them grow. I am so thankful to have so many memories safely tucked inside my heart. The saying really is true, enjoy the little things because someday they will be the big things. Bottle them up and keep them close and remember to appreciate the love and the life in every single day.

Megaphone Mania!

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I have issues, I know it. I abhor noise and my happiest moments are when everyone is gone and the house is quiet. Okay, maybe I said that out of anger but the truth is I do love those first few moments when everyone is gone and it’s just me and the house. Obviously, on weekends, I am forced to skip over those moments of solitude and the noise and the sight of everyone causes my skin to crawl. Don’t think I am a terrible person, it only twitches a little bit, it doesn’t really crawl. Sometimes, when I am a bit irritated like I may appear to be today, I tend to exaggerate.

I would like to share my morning of complete chaos. We woke up and immediately started Scandal. Netflix is new for us so we are loving watching seasons of shows in their entirety. So, everyone woke up and I could hear banging and moving in the kitchen. Like a good mom, I shut off Scandal and moved toward the kitchen to make some pancakes. Kayleigh has a friend here and as we get to the kitchen, the girls are opening a can of spaghettios and pulling a slice of pizza from the box that was left on the counter all night. Scott is playfully and loudly putting on a show, I mean taunting the girls over their food choices as I continue to add ingredients to the bowl. Kayleigh starts loudly arguing why she is not going to swim practice today and the vision of both my husbands and daughters faces disappeared behind what became gigantic mouths opening and closing and opening and closer faster and faster until I spotted it. There, on the counter, waiting patiently to be noticed, shining in a ray of light was my megaphone. Like in Chariots of Fire, I moved toward it in slow motion and I wasn’t sure if the theme was playing in my ears or it was my usual tinnitus. I grabbed that beautiful device, held it to my mouth and screamed “You are going to swimming and I want some pancakes”. I even turned on the siren so I could not hear anyone talk. Then, when no one would leave the kitchen, I stormed out and in an exasperated tone announced I wasn’t hungry anymore.

A few minutes later, pancakes arrived and I am currently having breakfast in bed and licking dripped syrup off my ipad hoping with each touch of a letter, my finger does not completely stick.

Sometimes we all just need a little quiet or at least maybe a short time out! I hope your day started off less crazier than mine.

Everyone Needs a Break Sometimes

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Sometimes I get this feeling of dread. I don’t always talk about it because in the eyes of the world my feelings would be judged in a negative way. The truth is I don’t really care. One thing I am is honest to the point. Often times that gets me in trouble but I would rather bluntly speak the truth than appease those around me with a misrepresentation of the truth or a lie. So, the truth is, sometimes I need a mini vacation from being a mom. It’s no secret that I have stayed home to be the best, most present mom that I can actually be. I am lucky and blessed to have this opportunity, but it has also made me a prisoner to the role. The responsibility, the worry, the personal failures I feel when something is not going right in my kids lives is excruciating. Sometimes I want a day that I don’t need to know who needs to go where, when they need to go, and I don’t want to have to be the one to drive them. I need a day that I am not dreading checking the school online site to see who handed their work in and who got a good or bad grade. I don’t want to spend hours each night awake wondering if my kids have the skills they need to get through each chapter of their lives or whether the lack of communication that often happen between parent and teen is enough for them to come to me if something is really wrong.

It sounds awful I know. I know this because sometimes I try to vent to my mom and she tells me it’s awful. That’s just what moms do, react and judge. Maybe because we are so solely responsible and connected that we take things so very personally. I can hear her thinking, “what a shame, I never felt that way.” I think its easy to forget these feelings when we look back on our role as a mom as a whole. We forget the hard and challenging times, because in the end, more times than not, they are outweighed by the good. But, these are my feelings and are buried so deep inside begging to be let out. I realize it is okay to admit I need some mental time to relieve me of the burden of being in charge of everyone’s schedule, everyone’s dilemma, everyone’s needs. Sometimes, I just need to be me. That me I was when I was only responsible for my own actions, schedule, successes and failures. When I didn’t hold myself personally responsible for the weight of the world but just my own 120 pounds. It gets heavy, and exhausting, and discouraging and harder every year that goes by. Am I the only person in the world, parent in the world that feels this way? I highly doubt it. But everywhere I look moms are playing the part of pretending being a mom is the best thing since apple pie. Truth is, some days it really is. Those other days though, when we are broken inside it would be so nice to know there is someone else in the world feeling the exact same way too…tired, overwhelmed, anxious about the future, and defeated. Am I the only one? I guess I will never actually know because it is so taboo to speak in such a way. No one loves their kids more than I do. I thank God for them every single day. Somedays though, like today, I just need a little relief from the responsibility that comes along with loving two people more than anything else in the whole world. For wishing that they find success in everything they do or healthy coping mechanisms to deal with their failures, challenges and obstacles. I need to stop worrying about them growing up in a difficult and changing world filled with a different set of accepted morals and values than I grew up in. I need to let go of the worry that life will pass them by while they are distracted by texting and twerking and growing up way faster than I ever had to. I need to stop worrying that the absence of consequences all around them when it comes to schoolwork or behavior will not overcome my lessons of personal accountability when it comes to their school work, personal choices, and actions. I need to just stop worrying…for a minute, and hour, just for a little bit of time. But then again, I am mom, and that’s just what we do.