My Thoughts On This Day

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So it’s Mothers Day and I am stealing a few quiet minutes alone while everyone else is still asleep. I’m feeling tired today. All I wanted to do was sleep and now I can’t. I sat up last night and waited for my daughter to get home from prom. Then I listened to 5 silly giggly girls heating up frozen pizza and running up and down the stairs. I woke up early in sheer panic because my son has two important tests next week that he has to pass. I am thinking about all the things that need to get done and all the places the kids have to be.

 Being a mom is non stop. It is an incessant worry and responsibility for those precious lives. There is only a physical separation of where they start and where I begin but I swear my mind is tied to them. As a mom I have had my heart broken like never before. I have felt pain watching them in pain that I may never be able to heal. I have worried so much that my heart feels like it pounds on the outside of my chest. I have felt so proud that my eyes well up with tears. There are so many emotions that come along with parenting and with enough time they can wreak havoc on the strongest of souls.

Sometimes I want a day off or a few minutes to breathe. I want a fleeting second of not feeling such an intense responsibility for them. Then I laugh to myself because there is no chance at all that could ever be possible. Being a mom is my biggest challenge but I wouldn’t change it for a single thing in the world. 

My Magical Mothers Day

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So, this is how my Mothers Day would have gone if I were writing the story….

I woke up to two kids sitting in my bed smiling and waiting to read me their lists of why I am the greatest mom in the world. My heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears as I held onto every word. They really captured the essence of all I do and their gratitude toward me was felt beyond the words they spoke.

They couldn’t wait for me to hear all the ideas they had for the day. My son knows how much I’ve been wanting to go for a bike ride around the lake, so after a delicious breakfast at Syrup, we would be heading to the lake. We packed some drinks and stopped to take in the beauty of the water as we sat there taking in the gentle breeze and feeling the sun on our face.

After the ride, we sat on the big deck at Mama Rojas to eat some chips and salsa and enjoy the view. It was so calm and peaceful and no one was in a hurry to leave this wonderful spot. Next, we headed to the movies to see Neighbors. The kids went in to see Spider-Man while me and Scott went into the theatre to have a few laughs.

Next, we drove home and made it to the hot tub just in time to watch the sun set. It was an amazing day and one I will remember always.

Now for the real story!

I was getting dressed in my closet when my daughter came downstairs. She knocked and asked if she could come in…and she did to borrow a shirt. Are you kidding me I thought quietly to myself as I continued to get ready for church. We got in the car and Chase called Kayleigh a jerk because she wouldn’t slide over and the arguing and name calling continued until we dropped them off for religious ed. We grabbed a cup of coffee at Starbucks but the air conditioning was blasting so we sat outside. After fighting with the wind concerned we would blow away, we sat and finished our coffee in the car. Off we drove to church where my son finally stepped outside himself for a moment to say ” oh yeah, Happy Mothers Day” in the middle of the priests sermon. We then sat in the car and my husband remained parked trying to figure out what to do next. Clearly, the day before, I had stressed how much I wanted to go to Syrup for a nice breakfast but as we sat there I finally said, “Can we go, I really have to go to the bathroom.” Next thing I knew, we were pulling in our driveway. It was now 12:20 and no one had eaten and I certainly didn’t have anything planned to eat for the day so there we were.

I told everyone I wanted my van cleaned for my birthday and when I didn’t get that I asked again for Mothers Day. So, I decided to go out and gift myself a clean van. Next thing I know, my daughter comes out and starts to clean along side of me. I really did not want the help because it needed to be cleaned deeply. Then out comes Chase cleaning the windows I had just cleaned with windex a few minutes before, only he was using a dirty rag with water.

I am going to end the story by telling you my van did get amazingly clean and we did go out for dinner at a place with tv’s so we could watch OKC Thunder lose in the last minute of the game. Then, we stop for air because my tire indicator came on only to discover I had a nail in not one, but two tires. So, until we get new tires I will not be driving my nice clean van. And the timing really stinks because a day earlier our pool pump stopped working.

Why am I telling you this? There is a lesson here and it is that our expectations can sometimes ruin our day. If we have a day spelled out in our minds that goes entirely a different way, we end up hurt and disappointed. In hindsight, I should have just said, please drive to Syrup. And, I should have just accepted the fact it was way too windy to go for a bike ride that day anyway. Geez, it was too windy to even sit outside and drink coffee. And the movie? I felt guilty splitting the family because the movie I wanted to see was rated R but really would they have cared? Could mom be selfish on her day and see the movie she’s been waiting to see? And, I should never had planned to watch the game while we ate. There was a chance they would lose and I would have another reason to be disappointed and have indigestion.

Sometimes it’s better to let a day unfold on its own. Even if the stars perfectly align and we do everything we set out to do, there is always a chance we will end up disappointed. Perception and reality are two different things. And sometimes, we just have to accept that.

All in all, the day ended okay. It just didn’t go the way I expected it too and that’s alright. I can focus on everything that went wrong or I can focus on what went right. Sounds like an obvious choice to me. Sometimes we wish we could get a do over but we never do, so make the most of each and everyday and make sure you don’t personally add to the doom and gloom already looming around you. Maybe it’s the pressure of a designated day just for moms that makes us believe that day should be perfect. It’s just a day like any other that we hope the people around us, mainly our kids at least stop and say thanks. If that doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. It’s just one silly day a year.

Thank You MOM

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How do you properly say thank you to someone who has cared for your body inside her own? How do you say thank you to someone who gave up hours of her own sleep to care for and cater to your every need? How do you show your appreciate for the one person who has always been honest, even when you couldn’t be honest with yourself? How do show your love to the one person who loved you through the times you believed you were unlovable and stood by you when the rest of the world seemed to turn away?

How do you convince someone that they have been a wonderful mother when they always feel they could have done better? How do you say that your best is and always will be good enough and more than your kids have ever deserved? How do you tell that person who is constantly second guessing herself that she is better than most. How do you convince someone who has given every second of her life worrying and loving and standing by you through every single moment of your life, the good, the bad, the difficult and the amazing that she has been a tower of strength to get you through it all? How do you tell her that now you are a mom and you understand the amount of sacrifice, the agony of watching your own children’s pain, the years of disappointment, pride and immense love that you had no idea existed until you too became a mom.

The truth is this. One day we are a selfish young woman and the next we become a selfless mom. There is no preparing someone to be a mom. No directions, no instructions….nothing. We are given this precious life who we are solely responsible for and it is wonderful and scary and painful and amazing. There is a special bond between a mother and her child and the day she holds that little baby in her arms for the first time, their hearts become one. There are no words, no amount of distance that could ever break that bond.

It’s not easy being a mom, I know that now. There is no greater hurt than when a child you sacrificed everything for looks you in the eye with contempt and disrespect. What do you do? You love them anyway. That’s just what moms do. The strong and loving ones do anyway. You love your children through every slammed door, every mean word, every hurtful conversation. You forgive them and you choose love just like that very first day when you looked in that child’s eyes for the first time. The most precious gift my mom ever taught me is that love is a choice we make each and every day. Love doesn’t always come naturally. Love does not erase anger and disappointment. That is why we make the choice to love our kids through it all, even when they don’t deserve it.

Thank you Mom for choosing to love me through the times I made it difficult. Thank you for being a daily part of my life even now that I am an adult and have kids of my own. Thank you for loving me and being the one and only person who has always been there no matter what you were going through yourself. And thank you for being the wonderful grandmother you are and giving my kids what I am sometimes not able to give myself. You are a kind, giving, supportive, wonderful woman. If only you could see yourself through my eyes. I realize there are no words to give enough thanks. There is no gift special enough to let you know how very special you are to me. But yet somehow, I know that you know how much you mean to me. Sometimes it’s in the little things, like the 5 times I call you everyday. But sometimes, it is just something felt in the heart and I feel it so I know you feel it too. Our hearts are one and I am grateful for you each and every day.

Thank you mom for being anything and everything I ever needed. Thank you for the lessons, the words of encouragement and for just letting me know if I ever got lost in the world, you would always be home. Thank you for teaching me to always make myself a priority too. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our giving and loving others that we lose ourselves. It is only when we love and are kind to ourselves that we can truly love and be good to others. Happy Mothers Day to my hero, role model, biggest supporter and most of all to my best friend. I am so blessed and grateful to have you in my life. Chance made you my mother, love made you my friend.