People First


Sometimes the simplest things spark my deepest thoughts. I realize today how similar we actually are. As I sat watching The Greatest Showman today, I couldn’t believe how reality reached in and grabbed a hold of me. We have a pattern as human beings for wanting to destroy what we don’t understand. Instead of giving someone or something a chance, it seems easier to fight or protest against it. One thing really hit me today. Life is never fair. At one time or another, we all feel discriminated against. Whether it’s because of our height, our ability, our intellect, the color of our skin or perhaps the sex we were born into…we have all experienced it. We have all felt stuck outside the circle of feeling accepted, and valued. We have all been hated or shunned or passed over because of a single attribute. The sad truth is we could change every single thing about ourselves or the one thing we think may hold us back and our experience would probably be the same. Maybe not to the same degree but it would still be there. The problem is never about who we are but the way someone is seeing us. We judge each other on almost everything there is to evaluate and somewhere a long the way, the real essence of a person remains unseen. There is nothing worse than feeling small and someone purposely trying to make one feel smaller. Why do people take delight in destroying other people’s lives or cheering for their failure? For people who claim to despise hate, how have we become so good at it? I’ve never quite fit into this way of thinking and I am grateful I find it hard to understand. People find fault and criticize with such passion that you’d think they get paid for it. We fight for justice for one soul while demeaning and taking down another. We demise what we don’t understand and who we will never try and understand. Where have we gone so wrong and what will it take to ever turn this misfortune around?

If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it. If nothing else, it is entertaining and maybe it will inspire you to go deeper into your own thinking as it has for me. Love one another. Be kind. Put people before opinions, judgement, and any other nonsense we claim to have an affinity with. Remember what or who is really important. People and God First. Everything else second.

I’d Live in La La Land Anyday


Today I went to see La La Land. The first few minutes I sat there thinking, how am I going to sit through this cheeziness? Eventually, I found myself smiling. The silliness really tickled me pink. I realized after watching the media circus and news conference today that it is real life that is absolutely ridiculous. I found the fun, light-hearted theme of the movie to be both amusing and refreshing. I couldn’t help but wonder how different the world would be if people broke into song and dance more than they broke into arguments and insults. I loved the movie and I caught myself smiling more times than I often do during an ordinary day. We need more of this kind of ridiculous and less the everyday nonsense. I give it two thumbs up. It really made my day.

I’m a Bad Mom Too


I went to see Bad Moms this afternoon. I started thinking about the facade some work so hard to put on to impress the people in their lives. I cannot recall the exact day that I admitted to myself I was not perfect and allowed that to be okay. I gave myself permission to just be me and own it all. I have good qualities, bad qualities, strengths and weaknesses, I make mistakes and I don’t try and cover them up. Often times I use those mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow. I forgive myself for my bad days, inadequacy and continue to do the best I can. The amount of freedom I experienced once I started to admit and bring attention to my own flaws allowed me to find a new sense of calm and confidence that I believe to be unshakable. There is no such thing as perfection and at the end of the day, who really cares about what anyone else thinks? When I stopped explaining myself and started owning who I was I found a happiness that I never knew existed. I live for me and by my own standards and I don’t ever try and measure who I am by someone else’s opinion of me. Do I care what other people think? Of course I do but at the same time I am not defined by anyone else. Truth is, sometimes I feel like a bad wife, a crappy daughter and probably the worst mother in the world but guess what? There are times I feel pretty fantastic too so I must forgive the bad days and look ahead to new days. Tomorrow always offers another chance to get it right so I will keep on trying.



Today we went to see the Allegiant movie. It felt so familiar, almost like deja vu. It was about two people fighting for power and the people who rallied behind them. They were killing each other literally so that their chosen one would have the power. In the meantime, while the people were turning against one another and fighting amongst themselves, the real power sat in his comfortable chair watching humanity crumbling while he chuckled to himself. Really, I swear I’ve already seen something just like that. Doesn’t it sound familiar?

There’s No Denying It


We went to see the movie Creed today. As I sat there watching, my mind wandered to how quickly time seems to pass. You don’t really notice the time itself. It’s invisible. It sneaks by as the years of your life sneak quietly past with it. As you see the actors you’ve watched on the big screen age before your eyes, you can’t help but feel that little nudge reminding you that the actors are not the only ones aging. The ones who were young and vivacious when you were young are now looking worn and old. The great circle of life. There is no stopping it and there is no denying it either. Make today count. Make the most of your beautiful life.

What Do YOU Think?


I went to see Martian again last night. I know you are probably thinking I am a bit obsessive when it comes to seeing movies these days but that seems to be the way I roll. Most things are feast, famine or nonexistent in my life. It is what it is. 

On the way home, I couldn’t help but think how different the world would be if we were not continuously trying to one up one another but rather working for a common purpose. We work  to find the first cure, we compete to send the first astronaut to the latest, most popular area of space. We strive to complete the most destructive weapon but imagine if every country worked together to make the world a better place for everyone? Consider what would happen if we all shared knowledge and technological advances and worked side by side to make amazing things happen. Don’t you think that is the way it was supposed to be? I really think it’s a shame that we are more selfish than selfless. Too bad nobody cares what I think. I can’t help but wonder though. Maybe competition isn’t so great after all.

A Tough Decision


It’s a Friday night and I am alone. One kid is skating and the other is hanging out with friends. The husbands away and I have a choice. I can go home and eat an entire carton of ice cream while feeling pathetically sorry for myself or I can go and catch the movie I’ve been wanting to see. Gotta go! It will be starting soon. Do whatever feels good to your soul. Then do it again tomorrow too.

Life Can Turn You Inside Out(My Reaction To The Movie)


I recently saw the movie Inside Out. I went with the expectation that it was going to be funny but the truth is it left me feeling very depressed. I don’t want to spoil the movie for you but I will share the reasons I found it so painful.

We are born with the purest of hearts. We love unconditionally and we trust in a way that makes us feel safe and secure. Our eyes only see the good in the world and the people around us. They smile at us and we smile back. The world is a place that is exciting and we are exhilarated by the way we see it every new day. If something is wrong, mom and dad are there to fix it. We want something, it is given to us. We learn that whatever we need will be provided to us by someone else. We are told everything will be okay.

Somewhere along the road of growing up, we learn pain. We don’t wake up excited anymore, we wake up trying to convince ourselves to get out of bed. We are told to suck it up buttercup and keep moving on. We learn that the world is not as safe as we once believed and we learn that people are capable of hurting us in the most horrible ways. We learn that we are on our own and there are just some things that will never be fixed. Everything will not always be okay and we have to deal with the disappointment that brings. We start to love conditionally and we shut ourselves off a little more each time someone lets us down. People we loved so easily start to appear a whole new way. We place conditions on them and they place condition on us. We start to judge our lives and others by the unrealistic expectations that end up killing the spirit that used to make us feel so free. We say and do things we are not proud of and we spend a lifetime trying to forgive ourselves. We spend a lifetime searching for happiness instead of finding happiness in every single thing around us. We start to believe that happiness is dependent on this or dependent on that. We put off living today because we are living the past or rushing the future. Our looking forward to a new day is replaced by dreading another mundane day. The happy go lucky child in us takes on responsibility that doesn’t feel as fun as riding our bike down the street we used to live on each night. Bills happen, tragedies happen, people die and despite the grip we have on the wheel, we cannot control the direction of the car we try so hard to steer. We want life to be fun and roses but the truth is we are sad, discouraged and mostly lonely. We pretend we are happy. We pretend we can handle anything and let life’s blows just roll off our back. The reality is every blow hurts. Every blow leaves a scar and taints the innocent view of the world we once so easily had. We stop seeing through the bright eyes of a child that used to be bursting with life and worst of all, we stop making time to play. We don’t even remember how to play anymore. We are serious now. Mature. Responsible. We wish we had a binky to make it all better or a replacement for that stuffed animal that used to be tucked underneath our arm. Remember how it used to make everything better? Our security blanket is ripped away and we are left alone standing fearfully on our own two feet waiting for Superman to fly in and save the world, save us from ourselves maybe. He never comes. We stop expecting anything from anyone and we stop looking into the eyes of people all together because they are much too busy staring into cell phones to look back. We become one with our sadness until it feels comfortable and slowly, one day, we start to heal.

I’m not trying to say life is horrible. It’s wonderful and there is so much good. What I am saying is growing up can be really hard. We realize that what we believed as a child is not the reality we live as an adult. We discover that life is more than being happy. It is about loving and living and disappointment, success, failure, hurt, pain and everything in between. It is a journey of embracing every detail of your life and reinventing the dream of what you thought it would be into the reality of what it is. You love the inner child in you so she feels safe again and you accept her unconditionally so she learns to reopen the parts of her heart that hurt once closed. You learn to let life happen the way it unfolds and you set your car on cruise control. You accept that everything won’t be okay but you will hold it together to get to another day. You learn that each day holds promise, a chance to do better, to live better and to finally make time to play. You accept that Superman is not real and you learn to become your own hero, to save yourself. You learn that the best friend you could ever have is yourself and to live a way that feels right with your soul. You start to love unconditionally again and you find forgiveness for the ones who let you down. You learn that life will be filled with every emotion and that’s okay. You start to look for the good in everyone and you feel a tremendous amount of gratitude for the blessings that are all around you. You accept that life is tragically beautiful and you buckle your seatbelt for the bumps along the way. You live, you love and you do it all again when you wake up the next day. Life can turn you inside out and make you feel upside down. Learn to stand on your head and enjoy the view from wherever you are. 

Just My Own Theory


I was surprised at how much The Theory of Everything affected me tonight. It was like I took a direct blow to the heart and the pain slowly released itself by leaking from my eyes. My reaction was surprising and took me a little off guard. Why did I find it so painful? When we are young and full of life, we have the best of intentions. We are passionate and bold and believe we can handle anything life hands our way. Then, life dishes it out and piles it on and throws us some more and we left there struggling, forgetting who we once were all those years ago. We wake up one day and life is not what we imagined it to be. Marriage is not some magical vow that ties us together til death do we part. The reality is relationships are hard and painful and they test us beyond what we ever imagined. Is it possible there is a theory for everything? Anything? Is everything just simply random and we desperately want to believe the meaning is there somewhere just beyond our human comprehension?

I thought the story was an amazing one. It shows that we are not defined by the odds. Sometimes, when we least expect it, something so unexpected happens to us, for us. You just never know. You have to wake up when you are lucky to wake up and take each day, each moment as it comes. One of my favorite quotes keeps running through my head tonight,

 “In the end, its not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Abe Lincoln

My Reaction to American Sniper


It was with a very heavy heart that I watched American Sniper today. To take another’s life is incomprehensible to me. I was raised to value human life and to respect and honor the lives of others. The sad reality is we live in a world that is plagued by hate. We fight, we kill, we destroy what was never ours to take. Someone has to do it. Someone has to protect us from the evil that hides quietly around the next corner. Hatred infects those who experience it. It makes people do what does not feel good to the soul. When our actions and souls intentions are not aligned, we are bombarded with horrific internal struggle. We are all the same. We breath the same air and the same blood is running through our veins. We are love and when we act from a different place or see life as a different place, our souls are slowly weighed down with guilt and dread. The world becomes a very dark place and we are suffocated by the darkness that creeps into our own minds. When will we grasp the concept, what I wish for you, I wish for myself? What I do to others, I do to myself. We are all one, a connection that cannot be broken by a border, a country or a senseless war. We are brothers and must start treating each other as such. My heart screams out in pain over what we have become. We are like savages, shooting each other and hunting each other down like we are some type of animal. Sacrificing ourselves by wearing a bomb on our body to take the lives of many at the same time and in the name of….I can’t even write the word.

I am not in any way disrespecting our military or the men and woman who put their lives on the line to protect their country each and every day. We cannot just sit back like sitting ducks while we are under attack. I guess what I struggle with most is admitting to myself that it will never stop. What type of devastation would bring people to their knees and open up their hearts to see each other as human beings? I will not participate in the worldly hate.
I will do my part, the best I can to promote, share and be love. I will quietly remind myself we are all made of love and light. Underneath the behavior and the twisted minds, we are all the same. How does ones heart rot out the love? How does ones heart turn so cold that the only thing it feels leads to the destruction of what our lives were meant to be?

I am far from perfect but I believe in the cause and will vow to do my best. Will you join me in my crusade? Will you be a soldier of peace and love? Will you stand shoulder to shoulder and hold my hand regardless of your religion or color of your skin? Will you stop reinforcing all the things that make us different and start reinforcing what makes us the same? If you use color of skin, religion, the country you are from, the God you believe in to put yourself in a sub group than you have promoted the great divide. Take responsibility and be accountable for the hate in our beautiful world. Try something new like forgiveness and letting go and find something the same about the person standing next to you. I don’t care what has happened in the past. Use that as an excuse if you wish but I will not. Every day is a new day to start again and if you go through the motions recreating yesterday then you will continue to bring the past into today and there will never be a chance for a better future. You are the reason. Choose better, do better, be smarter than the person you were yesterday. Learn and grow and watch the world change slowly as each heart and mind slowly make a choice to live a different way. Can we stand together while respecting each other enough to have individual beliefs and our own unique idea of God? Can we start someplace small and take baby steps until we learn to walk together as one?