When Disappointment Overshadows ki

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Disappointment: unhappiness or sadness from the failure of something hoped for.

Disappointment doesn’t respond to tears. It doesn’t respond to logical arguments or talking about details. It doesn’t respond to the words…this isn’t the end of the world because for someone in this moment it feels like it is.

Disappointment does respond to empathy and encouragement and a silent supportive energy from someone who truly cares. Disappointment responds to time and allowing that space to prepare a place where peace will eventually settle in and that disappointment will lose its grip.

The disappointment will fade and you will find joy through the pain, in spite of it. You will not just go through the pain but you will grow through it and come out on the other side forever changed.

Move The Mountain

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They say a situation will keep presenting itself until we finally learn the lesson. I always believed that because I’ve experienced it in my own life but what dawned on me today left me breathless. I have always been an advocate for my son at school. I have devoted years of my life fighting on behalf of kids who couldn’t fight for themselves. As I got ready for our annual meeting today, I became completely debilitated. I was hunched over from pain in my stomach as a result of my anxiety. I thought I had overcome this. I made the effort to forgive and move forward but today caught me totally off guard. It was so clear to me that if you face a reoccurring situation and have not yet healed from the pain the situation caused, when put back in that same scenario, the pain comes back. I had to remind myself that although I had to face my past, I was not that same person from back then. My foundation is strong now and I am no longer a prisoner to those days. Tonight I make the decision to release this pain. It’s finally time to let it go. I’ve been carrying this mountain for too long and it is time to put it down and leave it behind. If there is something inside of you that has not fully healed, now is the time to release the grip it has on you. We have enough to carry and past pain does not need to be one of them. Seriously, move that mountain out of your way. You don’t have to climb it anymore.

Broken

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KNOWING THE RIGHT THING IS ONLY THE FIRST STEP. DOING IT IS ANOTHER. 

There are days I loathe myself.

 Moments I resent the brokenness inside of me that reaches out to break another.

 I regret the moments I take things a step further than I should, times when my anger spills over out of control. 

I ache over words I should never have spoken. The kind of words that leave a lasting scar.

 I regret the days I try and do too much, not leaving a single ounce of energy for myself. 

Sometimes I’m just mean and that part of me takes the wheel and I cannot find the breaks.

Some days I resent being that person everyone can count on.

 Need something? I’ll get it. 

Forgot something? I’ll bring it.

 Eventually I break when someone’s irresponsibility puts a tremendous burden on me that I don’t deserve to own.

 I think people forget I am human too.

 I get tired. 

I get angry.

 I am broken and I am trying to hold myself together the best I can.

 Today I will repeat to myself , Be Better. You’ve got this. 

 Today I will practice forgiveness.

Today I will try my best not to make the mistakes of yesterday. 

Today I will be the best version of myself.

The Lesson In Healing

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Healing. Every tragic storm is followed by the most beautiful sunrise. It may take days or weeks but eventually the clouds disappear and the warmth of the sun melts the most bitter cold.

I’ve suffered from depression for a few years now. There was a time when I didn’t believe I would ever feel a moments worth of happiness again. In fact, I wasn’t sure I would ever feel anything at all again. The guilt that came along with that swallowed me whole. In my mind, I didn’t think I had anything to be depressed about. My life was good so why didn’t it feel that way to me? Slowly but surely my life has come full circle. I have fought my way back and my heart feels so full today as I sit here in the pickup line at school counting my endless blessings. I am me again and I am so grateful that time has healed the pain that temporarily found a home inside of me. 

The most important lesson that came out of this dark time is that I am not in control. I will never be in control and I had to make peace with knowing that is a reality. There will be things I want to change in my life but dwelling on them and resisting something that is just going to be does not change the reality of the circumstances. I had to live in my own uncertainty. I had to find calm in my own discomfort. Anxiety became a normal that I was forced to live with and I learned to breathe there. Sometimes we do not understand what is happening to us but there comes a moment where we trust that in the end, everything really will be okay. In that place I found myself again but even more importantly I found an unshakeable faith that carries me through the happiest and darkest days. My sun is out and I can feel it shining right through me and onto others. I pray the sun comes up for you as well. It is there, I promise but sometimes it is just hidden behind an innocent cloud. Try and feel the warmth until the day you finally see it again. It may not be tomorrow but eventually it will come back out.

I Choose Love

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As I leave each mile marker behind me, I am reminded of the people I am leaving behind. I always love a visit home but every mile I travel away, is a little more my heart starts to ache. I’ve lived away for many years but returning twice a year has always been a priority that I hope I have instilled in my own kids. I have taught them family first. I remember when I first landed 15 days ago. I was in awe at the beautiful shades of green and the mountains on all sides of me. When I lived here many years ago, I think I stopped noticing how beautiful this place was that I had the fortune of growing up in. Now that I live in Oklahoma and the world is flat and the trees are low, I miss the beautiful state of New Jersey more than ever. I wonder if the same thing happens with family as well. I think when you grow up your entire life with family around you, you start to take them for granted. You stop realizing the importance of the people who can be there in a moments notice. It happens very slowly at first until the people we claim to love become a nuisance and annoyance to us. We stop noticing how beautiful family really is. Not to me. It hurts to watch it happening when I want so much to have someone in arms reach when the rest of the world seems scary and my loneliness becomes the only friend I have. It hurts when you make people a priority and my heart breaks when that same enthusiasm is not returned. It hurts to love people. It hurts to watch people wrapped up in things that just don’t matter. 

Today, as I ride on this bus I am grateful that I have a place to call home. I am grateful for the little moments that I bottle in my heart until I can return. I close my eyes and I see the sweet smile on my nephews face and hear the silly giggle of my sister in law and the joy on my brothers face as he watches his baby boy. As I think of the tears in my mothers eyes as she pulled away, my own cheeks feel the sting of tears. It’s hard loving people and it’s hard letting them go to get on to more of the silly stuff that doesn’t matter. You either get it or you don’t. You love or you don’t. You make family a priority or you don’t. You always have a choice. I choose love.

I Choose Love

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As I leave each mile marker behind me, I am reminded of the people I am leaving behind. I always love a visit home but every mile I travel away, is a little more my heart starts to ache. I’ve lived away for many years but returning twice a year has always been a priority that I hope I have instilled in my own kids. I have taught them family first. I remember when I first landed 15 days ago. I was in awe at the beautiful shades of green and the mountains on all sides of me. When I lived here many years ago, I think I stopped noticing how beautiful this place was that I had the fortune of growing up in. Now that I live in Oklahoma and the world is flat and the trees are low, I miss the beautiful state of New Jersey more than ever. I wonder if the same thing happens with family as well. I think when you grow up your entire life with family around you, you start to take them for granted. You stop realizing the importance of the people who can be there in a moments notice. It happens very slowly at first until the people we claim to love become a nuisance and annoyance to us. We stop noticing how beautiful family really is. Not to me. It hurts to watch it happening when I want so much to have someone in arms reach when the rest of the world seems scary and my loneliness becomes the only friend I have. It hurts when you make people a priority and my heart breaks when that same enthusiasm is not returned. It hurts to love people. It hurts to watch people wrapped up in things that just don’t matter. 

Today, as I ride on this bus I am grateful that I have a place to call home. I am grateful for the little moments that I bottle in my heart until I can return. I close my eyes and I see the sweet smile on my nephews face and hear the silly giggle of my sister in law and the joy on my brothers face as he watches his baby boy. As I think of the tears in my mothers eyes as she pulled away, my own cheeks feel the sting of tears. It’s hard loving people and it’s hard letting them go to get on to more of the silly stuff that doesn’t matter. You either get it or you don’t. You love or you don’t. You make family a priority or you don’t. You always have a choice. I choose love.

When To Walk Away

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There are two different types of people when it comes to emotional pain. Imagine being cut with a piece of glass. Most people would pull the glass out, clean the wound and move on. That second group though picks the piece of glass out of the freshly cut scar and then runs that glass over the rest of their body. They cut and cut and grip that glass so firmly that even the strongest man couldn’t pry it from their hand. They make the choice to hold onto the very thing that caused their pain thinking in the end they may become strong enough to withstand the damage and maybe even become immune to it. 

Relationships are fragile like glass. Once they start to break, the shards become so deep and embedded that they become a part of who we are. What happens when we get to the point that we don’t know where the glass ends and where we begin? Why do we choose to hold onto the pain and prolong it even longer? Why can’t we see that the only chance of ever being truly happy is by putting that glass down and walking away. We can’t hold onto something that is so broken beyond repair no matter how much we pretend it’s just a little cracked. There comes a point when it’s done and over and grasping at it with a death grip only leads to our own demise.

I watch so many people I deeply care about stay in relationships that cause them nothing but pain. They say they stay for some legitimate reason but the truth is they hold onto a glimmer of hope that one day the person who broke their spirit and shattered their confidence will somehow put them back together so they can feel whole again. Sometimes we need to love ourselves enough to walk away with the small amount of dignity we have left before anymore time slips away. I say put down what’s broken. Leave it behind and don’t look back. Get far enough away so the healing can start to take place. The tighter you hold onto whatever is destroying you, the more you help destroy what is left of yourself. 

Accepting What You Cannot Change

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When the truth fits, you have no choice but to wear it no matter how it feels. When it comes to clothes, we can pick and choose what feels good on us. If something looks great, we wear it often and wear it proudly. Life though doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we have to wear the most uncomfortable thing imaginable day after day after day, no matter how much we yearn to take it off. We must learn to be comfortable in something that may even hurt us. 

45 will embrace me in a few months. There are so many things that I have loved about my 40’s. These years have been like a comfortable, soft, cozy sweatshirt. I know who I am now yet I am open to changing everyday. I am proud of who I am and content with my life exactly how it is. There’s only one thing that haunts me. The truth hit me right in the heart and I’ve been silently suffering in pain ever since. That life I love so much is about to change and I can’t help but wonder, am I ready for it? I don’t think I could ever be ready for something like this. That big, cozy sweater is unraveling string by string and I am naked and exposed to what is underneath. A big sense of who I am and what I consider my life is about to come crashing down. Like it or not, I am entering a time in my life where the inevitability of losing both my children and possibly my parents is not too far away. No wonder I can’t sleep at night. No wonder I am battling depression and feeling moments of anxiety and panic. If I didn’t, what kind of person would I be?

They say you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge so even as I type these words, I feel a sense of relief. I have unscrewed the lid just enough to allow the pressure and air to slip out to survive another day with a peaceful heart and a gracious smile.

Can I change the future? No I can’t but I also can’t ruin the present by focusing only on what’s ahead. I must embrace, more than ever before, the blessings in my life right here and now. What do you think? Will you join me?

Are You Supportive?

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If there’s one thing that disappoints me, it’s someone who cannot or does not show compassion. I keep a lot of things to myself. Sometimes when I reach my breaking point, I call someone to provide myself the opportunity to vent. The problem is, I always choose to call the wrong person. What I need is for someone to listen. I need someone to say I’m sorry you are going through this but you will make it through. Unfortunately, what I get is how I contribute to my own problems and what I should and shouldn’t have done. That causes my anxiety to skyrocket and on top of the guilt and struggle I already face, I now need to dodge the guilt and blame being fired at me from the other end of the line.

I do the best I can. I make the choices I think are right at the time. I think about and over- think every decision I make. I even make mistakes. I get it wrong plenty of times and I have to live with that. I feel it physically every day when my heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest. I hold myself and others very accountable and the pressure I put on myself to get it right and keep it together is more than most people could bear.

Why am I telling you this? I don’t want pity. I want you to understand. I want you to be supportive and kind and empathetic when someone reaches out to you during a tough time. I don’t want you to say, you need to calm down, I want you to say, I’m here to listen. Please remember this post next time you are tempted to give someone struggling your opinion or advice. Sometimes, they just need a little love and if you can give that to someone who desperately needs it, you will make a tremendous difference in someone’s life. Listen. Support. Be kind. Keep your criticism to yourself. Isn’t that what everyone wants?