Sending my daughter off to college this year has trained me to be more mindful of the time I have. I have wasted so many minutes, hours, even years on the things and situations that drove me crazy but that I would never have the power or control to change. I traded quality time with the people I love for the nonsense that would eventually pass after I finally learned to take my attention and focus off of that one thing that made me, my life and everyone around me so miserably uncomfortable. When I became fixated and obsessed with that one situation, everything else took on less value. The saddest part is, people and relationships suffered and I can never get that time back. It’s easy not to value time when you think it is limitless but once it is rationed, reality provides a very hard blow to the most sensitive part of your face. Sometimes lessons are learned quickly and others take years but this girl walks away from conflict, stress, negativity and drama quicker than ever before. I have a long way to go but when I look back on the journey, I am always one step closer to where I want to be. Cherish what’s important and make sure you know the difference between what is and what is not.
Sometimes it’s hard to practice what you preach. I usually love November because it’s a time I actively focus on the things I am grateful for. However, this year the challenge was much greater than I could’ve imagined. I could come up with something I should be grateful for but the feelings didn’t accompany the words. I have been moving through life recently unenthused. It’s painful to admit the emptiness I have been consumed with lately. Depression has crept back into the shadows and left me feeling cold and dark. I used to say, there is always something to be grateful for and I believe those words ring true today. However, feeling grateful and listing things to be grateful for are very different from one another. I’ve come to the realization that the real struggle lies somewhere between our expectation of someone or something and the actual reality they bring to our lives. It’s hard to feel grateful and disappointed at the same time. Today I felt called to go back to yoga and I did. More on that story later but the first thing the instructor said to me was just don’t judge yourself. The words made me want to cry. I haven’t been practicing self love and the truth is I haven’t felt much love toward others. I have felt frustration, disappointment and even anger. I had shut down completely and built those walls so high around myself, I couldn’t even feel the wind less an ounce of gratitude. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge so even though it hurts to speak the truth, I look forward to allowing the healing to begin. What is something that is easier for you to preach and harder for you to practice?
It’s taken me over forty years to realize that there is only so much room in my life. It’s been necessary to make some tough decisions as to what stays and what gets kicked to the curb. Lately peace has moved to the top of my priority list. I can no longer support or lend attention to anything that disrupts that peace. Our human relationships are so important and anyone or anything that purposely fuels a fire of discord rather than promoting healing will not get an ounce of my time or attention. Ego and peace cannot exist on the same plane. I am grateful that I have the power to turn off the tv, shut off the internet and move away from people who want to fight the good fight. I am a lover not a fighter and the world needs a piece of my heart, not a piece of my mind. I will make a difference even if it is subtle. I will be the change I wish to see in this great big, beautiful world. What part will you play? You have to decide.
You can stand up for love and understanding or you can stand up for hate and condemnation. You just can’t have it both ways. The difference is how you define the two and what it means to you. There alone lies the problem. Perspective is everything.
Either way be kind. Use your words to lift others up. Use your time to work on improving yourself. Use your energy to spread your light and make the world shine brighter each and everyday. Raise the vibration not your voice.
How will you use the power you’ve been given today?
I watched a little of the testimony by Jeff Sessions today. I’m not feeling so well and my body decided to force a day of rest on me. I could care less about politics but what I saw today left me feeling somewhat hopeful. As I watched Mr Sessions today I found a role model that has been missing from the world for quite a while. His eyes were warm and not filled with contempt. His voice was soft and respectful, a kindness in his tone I don’t hear very often, including in my own voice. He is a modern day super hero as far as I am concerned because I just don’t see that calm, respectful interaction between people anymore. It is something I long for but try as I may, I have been unsuccessful so far. I hope someday I can speak to others especially when I feel threatened the way I saw him do today. I just thought I’d point it out. I am reminded of the words I wrote in my daughters yearbook earlier this year. Just be you. The world will adjust. We need more people who change the world and less people so easily changed by it.
I walk a minimum of 5 miles a day. On Thursday I walked ten. I love to be outside and feel the sun on my back and the wind in my face. A year ago, I suffered from anxiety and depression to the point I thought I was going to break. I thought the only way to escape it would be to find a way out of my skin. I felt trapped and helpless and the light at the end of the tunnel grew extremely dim. One day I made the decision that I had to break free from the prison I had created for myself. I couldn’t live that way anymore because it didn’t feel like living at all. Walking offered a new hope, a calm that I had been running after for quite some time. Today a neighbor I had never met before stopped me to discuss the opinion he had of my yard. He didn’t stop to to say hello or even to tell me to have a nice day. That is what the world has become these days.
This post is a reminder to everyone who takes the time to read it. You only see the 5 to 10 miles I walk in my shoes each day. What you don’t see are the miles that wear me down as I fight and struggle to be happy in a world I don’t even feel is where I belong.
Life is short.
Mind your own damn business.
Smile at someone.
Don’t judge others shoes or think you have any clue about the path that others walk. You only know what you see and looks can be quite deceiving. Be a nice person and offer someone hope and keep your opinions to yourself.
The world needs more compassion and kindness and less criticism and resistance.
More love and less arguments.
More happiness and gratitude and less bitching.
More smiles and less scowls.
More hope and less despair.
Be the light in someone else’s tunnel.
The world needs you now more than ever.
I need you.
Be the light in someone else’s darkness.
Be the difference.
My mom forwards me some really silly things on Facebook Messenger. Sometimes I stare at the screen and ask myself, why in the world is she sending me this? The last few days she hasn’t hasn’t been feeling well and my messages have become eerily silent. Sometimes we don’t realize how much something means to us until it’s gone. Every time she starts to get symptoms again I get really scared. Her health has been a challenge the last few years and it’s never going to move back in the other direction. I know she won’t be around forever. None of us will but the thought of someday not being able to talk to her on the other end of the phone everyday fills my heart with a pain that is far too deep for words. Tonight I am reminded that life is precious. We have to love people while we are fortunate enough to have them around to love. We have to make the call to say you matter, you are so important to me. Life can change in an instant and we have to have lived and loved enough to always be prepared for the most unexpected scenarios. Reach out to someone and let them know you care. That is the greatest gift you can offer someone…your time, and attention, your affection and your appreciation for having them in your life. Put your time into the people and things that really matter. Make every minute count.