Is Respectful Conversation a Thing of the Past?

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I watched a little of the testimony by Jeff Sessions today. I’m not feeling so well and my body decided to force a day of rest on me. I could care less about politics but what I saw today left me feeling somewhat hopeful. As I watched Mr Sessions today I found a role model that has been missing from the world for quite a while. His eyes were warm and not filled with contempt. His voice was soft and respectful, a kindness in his tone I don’t hear very often, including in my own voice. He is a modern day super hero as far as I am concerned because I just don’t see that calm, respectful interaction between people anymore. It is something I long for but try as I may, I have been unsuccessful so far. I hope someday I can speak to others especially when I feel threatened the way I saw him do today. I just thought I’d point it out. I am reminded of the words I wrote in my daughters yearbook earlier this year. Just be you. The world will adjust. We need more people who change the world and less people so easily changed by it. 

Be The Light

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I walk a minimum of 5 miles a day. On Thursday I walked ten. I love to be outside and feel the sun on my back and the wind in my face. A year ago, I suffered from anxiety and depression to the point I thought I was going to break. I thought the only way to escape it would be to find a way out of my skin. I felt trapped and helpless and the light at the end of the tunnel grew extremely dim. One day I made the decision that I had to break free from the prison I had created for myself. I couldn’t live that way anymore because it didn’t feel like living at all. Walking offered a new hope, a calm that I had been running after for quite some time. Today a neighbor I had never met before stopped me to discuss the opinion he had of my yard. He didn’t stop to to say hello or even to tell me to have a nice day. That is what the world has become these days. 

This post is a reminder to everyone who takes the time to read it. You only see the 5 to 10 miles I walk in my shoes each day. What you don’t see are the miles that wear me down as I fight and struggle to be happy in a world I don’t even feel is where I belong. 

Life is short. 

Mind your own damn business. 

Smile at someone. 

Be kind. 

Don’t judge others shoes or think you have any clue about the path that others walk. You only know what you see and looks can be quite deceiving. Be a nice person and offer someone hope and keep your opinions to yourself. 

The world needs more compassion and kindness and less criticism and resistance. 

More love and less arguments.

 More happiness and gratitude and less bitching. 

More smiles and less scowls.

More hope and less despair.

Be the light in someone else’s tunnel. 

The world needs you now more than ever.

I need you.

Be the light in someone else’s darkness.

Be the difference. 

A Painful Silence

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My mom forwards me some really silly things on Facebook Messenger. Sometimes I stare at the screen and ask myself, why in the world is she sending me this? The last few days she hasn’t hasn’t been feeling well and my messages have become eerily silent. Sometimes we don’t realize how much something means to us until it’s gone. Every time she starts to get symptoms again I get really scared. Her health has been a challenge the last few years and it’s never going to move back in the other direction. I know she won’t be around forever. None of us will but the thought of someday not being able to talk to her on the other end of the phone everyday fills my heart with a pain that is far too deep for words. Tonight I am reminded that life is precious. We have to love people while we are fortunate enough to have them around to love. We have to make the call to say you matter, you are so important to me. Life can change in an instant and we have to have lived and loved enough to always be prepared for the most unexpected scenarios. Reach out to someone and let them know you care. That is the greatest gift you can offer someone…your time, and attention, your affection and your appreciation for having them in your life. Put your time into the people and things that really matter. Make every minute count.  

You Are Not Alone

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Shout out to anyone on the verge of a panic attack. Hugs and love to each one of you fighting your way through depression each and everyday. Empathy to the parents who worry about your kids with each tick of the clock and struggle with the fear that you haven’t been enough. Support to the parents who know the pain of watching kids who struggle in school and the fight and dedication it takes to battle a system that is lose-lose. Love to those who feel hopeless, alone and broken hearted. My hearts broken too. I have to calm myself down several times a day and have the courage to crawl away from the edge of the cliff. I too worry and question if my parenting has damaged my kids. I wonder if I have done enough, loved enough, if I am enough. You are not alone. Sometimes we fixate too hard on our differences and we miss the chance to make real connections on a level where we are very much the same. This is me reaching out to say I see you. I know you’re there. I hear your cries for help and the pounding of your heart underneath your fancy clothes. I feel your loneliness when I see that look of desperation in your eyes. I am here. I see you. I just thought you should know.

Broken

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KNOWING THE RIGHT THING IS ONLY THE FIRST STEP. DOING IT IS ANOTHER. 

There are days I loathe myself.

 Moments I resent the brokenness inside of me that reaches out to break another.

 I regret the moments I take things a step further than I should, times when my anger spills over out of control. 

I ache over words I should never have spoken. The kind of words that leave a lasting scar.

 I regret the days I try and do too much, not leaving a single ounce of energy for myself. 

Sometimes I’m just mean and that part of me takes the wheel and I cannot find the breaks.

Some days I resent being that person everyone can count on.

 Need something? I’ll get it. 

Forgot something? I’ll bring it.

 Eventually I break when someone’s irresponsibility puts a tremendous burden on me that I don’t deserve to own.

 I think people forget I am human too.

 I get tired. 

I get angry.

 I am broken and I am trying to hold myself together the best I can.

 Today I will repeat to myself , Be Better. You’ve got this. 

 Today I will practice forgiveness.

Today I will try my best not to make the mistakes of yesterday. 

Today I will be the best version of myself.

Are You making or Breaking Someone Else’s Day?

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I was reminded today how hard it is to keep myself in check. Often times, I have the best intentions. I look forward to the weekend or getting out to do something with family but sometimes the best intentions fall by the wayside. I was in a great mood yesterday. Sometimes I am able to step away from all the stress and just breathe again. That was my plan for the last two days. Unfortunately I absorb all that is around me and if I don’t find a way to reach that place of balance, I crumble. After hours of spending time around someone completely disengaged followed by another who dumps his responsibilities onto everybody else, I slowly deflate. The negative energy just consumes me until I become it myself. So my good mood has slowly come to a close. It’s easy to say that other people aren’t responsible for your happiness but I argue that the people around me are often responsible for my unhappiness. There are some people in our lives that we cannot just dismiss or remove. We can’t delete them like they are some random Facebook friend but at the same time we cannot allow them to destroy our happiness or inner peace. I am not looking for sympathy or having a pity party. I am writing this post as a reminder that who we are affects everyone around us. Our mood, our lack of concern, our negligence, our bad attitude, our words and especially our actions are equally if not more powerful than any positive we think we put off. Just ask yourself today, what is the energy I am bringing to this place? How am I affecting the people around me? It’s the only way to finally understand just how much we are all connected.