The Start of Something New

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As I was sitting outside earlier, I noticed my rose bushes were budding with numerous blooms. We are so much like the flower that lays dormant for so long. I too have been asleep for many months now. I too have been just sitting around helplessly waiting to come alive. I’ve dragged myself through the motions with little or no feeling at all just hoping to survive from sun up to sun down. Some days all I looked forward to was going to sleep. This depression thing swallows me sometimes and it takes months to crawl back out. But today, I had a little hop in my step. I felt energized as I recognized that feeling that I too was starting to bloom. The hope and change are in the air and I am grateful to feel this good today. Sometimes you have to sit back as the ebb and flow comes and goes. One day at a time is all we can do and today is the start of something new.

Baby Steps

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I found a beautiful rose bush last spring and was immediately drawn to it. I don’t normally notice white roses but the ones on this bush were so delicate, beautiful. I was apprehensive about planting it behind the pool at the back of my fence. I wanted it to be closer to the house so I could look out my window and enjoy the roses every day. My husband strongly encouraged me to stick with the plan and put it in the back and so I agreed. I could see the bush shrinking in size as the number of blooms also decreased. The leaves seemed to be losing their color and finally the bush became so small I could barely see it. I had my husband dig it up and replant it in the original place I wanted it to be. Today, for the first time in months, I noticed a bloom.

This is a reminder to never give up. If you don’t seem to be getting anywhere, sometimes you need to make a change. Ask yourself, what am I doing that is holding me back? Is it carrying around a negative attitude, staying in a job or relationship that is robbing you of the happiness, allowing yourself to remain stuck because you are convincing yourself that is your fate? Sometimes the first step is moving your own feel. You will know you are headed in the right direction because just like the roses, you will start to grow. Make a change. Have the courage to take the first step.

What Should We Call This?

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I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. They say the garden only grows in places you water it. I think the worst part about depression is there is always a drought. You have a minuscule amount of water, so you have to pick and choose where you sprinkle it. You have to conserve as much water as you can while still making sure everything in your garden is growing strong. Do you clean the house or get out of bed and get dressed? You seriously have to choose which one is more important that day. As you feel yourself plummeting further and further, you have no choice but to let some things wither away and all you can do is stand there and watch. It’s not your choice, you’re too darn tired to do anything else.

I have the most beautiful rose bushes outlining my back yard. With the extreme amount of heat we’ve been having combined with my extreme fatigue, I haven’t walked out back in quite some time. I thought I could see the shape of my bushes changing. Deep down I knew they were being swallowed up by that fungal disease that makes them drop all their leaves but instead of doing something about it, it was easier to just not go outside. My hose was empty and if I didn’t look, I didn’t see.

I walked out there today and I became furious with myself. Just like my own garden, my own self was suffering. I felt so sorry for those innocent roses. They were counting on me to take care of them and I let them down. How could I take care of them, take care of my family AND take care of me? Mind over matter, that’s how. I did my best to trim them back and spray something to kill the disease but now I’m drained, not a single drop of water left. Every ounce of energy I had is gone and it’s not even 2:00. Insomnia kept me company most of last night and if I go to sleep now, tonight will be an unfortunate repeat of last night.

I hate depression. It’s the first thing in my life I haven’t been able to fight. And the guilt? Depressed about what? For the most part, I really have a great life. So how could I possibly feel this way? It not only affects me but also everyone else that lives around me. 

Don’t ever sneer at someone for having a depressing tone or depression period. Its not a performance or sporting event and it surely doesn’t need your judgement. It’s hard to know what anyone else is going through and the worst thing you can can do to somebody with depression is put them down or make them feel even more guilty then they already do. We get that you don’t understand but do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do for anyone, depressed or not, is to be kind and offer to lend patience and a supporting hand. We are all connected and we need to start acting that way.

Things Are Not What They Appear To Be

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I do not have a green thumb but I do my best to keep my yard looking nice. Roses grow really well here and my favorite is in a small corner of the yard where I like to sit. Every single day I would go outside and admire those roses. They were like a happy little pick me up on any given day. Then the rain came…and more rain….and flooding and rain. The leaves had all fallen off the bush and it looked like there would be no more beautiful roses blooming anytime soon. Part of me wanted to dig it up because the sight of it was causing me distress. It had acquired black spot disease and I had almost given up. I bought some treatment and although the stems were completely bare I stayed with it. I am happy to report that the leaves are slowly growing back. The new red growth was a sight for sore eyes and I am pretty confident it will come back strong. 

I can’t help but think how many times a situation looked hopeless in my own life. I think of how many times I quit when I should have hung on just a little bit longer. That is my message today. Things are not always what they appear to be. There can be some pretty angry storm clouds that pass over and never spill a single drop of rain. Be open to hope. Be open to things turning out better than you ever dreamed. Be the beautiful rose that blooms even when the odds are stacked against it. The way you look at something is much more important than the way it appears to be.

Little by Little

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Recently we planted some rose bushes. They were blooming and full of life, and then all at once that was it. The one seemed to go dormant for quite some time. Every day I sat out there watching and waiting for something to happen, but nothing. I was so disappointed. The other day it caught my eye. It was so much taller and I could see the red color indicating the new growth. The blooms are about to open. I guess this serves as a perfect lesson to be patient. Sometimes, to the visible eye, it appears that nothing is happening. Then all of a sudden you notice amazing change you didn’t even know was taking place.

I hope this reminds me to sit back and allow things to happen. I think this applies to personal growth as well. We want to change and bloom over night but change happens gradually. We can’t focus on the end result but rather on the subtle changes. Every bit of growth leads to a better place. So here’s to all the growth that’s happening all around us.