Sadly, I am learning the result of accommodating everyone in my life. I have spent so many years trying to keep the peace and make everyone else happy that finally I have lost my own voice. I cannot even hear it anymore and I can’t help but wonder if it even tries to speak. Everything has become a negotiation. Just this morning I wanted the family to go for breakfast and everyone had an attitude or conditions. Being a mom is not always easy and often times it is downright hurtful. I wait all week for a tiny slice of time for us to be together but someone always throws a stick in the spoke until the bike has a tragic accident. It’s broken and today I feel sad and broken but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I will go out and do something that makes me feel good. The others can stay home and be in good company with their cell phones, computers, attitudes and conditions and I will simply carry on. No sense throwing myself in the middle and crying victim. I am in charge of my own destiny and sometimes it is necessary to leave everyone behind and follow on my own path. As for being a woman, I have to stop using that as an excuse. I swear it is almost innate to make everyone feel important and included but you know what I’ve realized? It’s necessary to include myself in that behavior as well. Time to find my voice and make it strong again. Time for some conditions of my own. Time to make some changes starting right now. Wish me luck.
I can’t really remember the last time I didn’t have kids. It feels like I’ve been a mom most of my life even though that is far from the truth. Somewhere along with giving birth, I gave up who I used to be. I played into the lie that I had to act a certain way and live a certain lifestyle because there were little people watching. I was so focused on them that I lost being myself. Slowly, I am starting to remember. Tonight I am going to see Def Leppard for the first time. As I listen to their music today, I am sixteen again, sitting around a bonfire with all my friends. I am happy and smiling and free from the responsibility that weighs me down as the years of my life go flying by. I am that carefree teen again, on top of the world, living in eack moment as it spontaneously arrives. Music was and still is such a big part of my life. It helps me identify with my my own feelings and speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can. Music holds the key to so many memories and the more I listen, the more they come rushing back. I forgot some of them, at least for awhile. I thought I had to give up that part of myself to be the person I am today. That is so untrue. So today, and again tonight when I am standing in that hot arena listening to one of my favorite groups from my teenage years, I will reunite with that part of me I left behind and for at least that moment in time, we will become one.
Don’t sacrifice who you are. Don’t be who you think the world expects you to be. You can be a wife, a mom and still rock out. You can be the person you are today and the person you were all those years ago. That is your true self, when you remember what ignites the passion of who you were and who you are and when you finally reach a point to stand in between. The view is beautiful from there and so complete. I hope you will join me and reunite with who you really are, free of fear from what anyone else thinks.
And just like that, I discovered all I really needed to know.
I was leafing through Timehop yesterday afternoon and I stumbled across a post I had written a year ago. It was about being a mom and having enough courage and accountability to consider all children mine. I really believed that if everyone took on the responsibility to save all children, our world and theirs would be a better place.
Here I am a year later feeling run down from the overwhelming responsibility I feel all the time. Everywhere I go is an opportunity to teach someone to be more together. Just last night I showed up at Olive Garden for my daughters birthday dinner and yet another fiasco. The day before I had called to make reservations and when I arrived, they told me they don’t make reservations for Saturday evenings. Okay, great, but someone did. This kind of thing happens all the time. No wonder I am feeling drained and overwhelmed. I take extra time to over prepare and everything still gets screwed up on the account of others. Its a daily thing.
I know now that I cannot save the world and when the plane is going down I must reach for my oxygen mask first. Even though those instructions never sat right with something inside of me, I get it now. I can only save myself or sacrifice myself. As much as I want to blame others, ultimately it comes down to my choice. I am my sole responsibility. I shudder as I type those words.
The truth is this, we kill our own spirit sometimes trying to be successful. We drain our own energy supply by feeling overly responsible for everyone and everything around us which takes us away from the most important feeling of all, being happy. At the end of the day, what could matter more than that?