Accepting What You Cannot Change

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When the truth fits, you have no choice but to wear it no matter how it feels. When it comes to clothes, we can pick and choose what feels good on us. If something looks great, we wear it often and wear it proudly. Life though doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we have to wear the most uncomfortable thing imaginable day after day after day, no matter how much we yearn to take it off. We must learn to be comfortable in something that may even hurt us. 

45 will embrace me in a few months. There are so many things that I have loved about my 40’s. These years have been like a comfortable, soft, cozy sweatshirt. I know who I am now yet I am open to changing everyday. I am proud of who I am and content with my life exactly how it is. There’s only one thing that haunts me. The truth hit me right in the heart and I’ve been silently suffering in pain ever since. That life I love so much is about to change and I can’t help but wonder, am I ready for it? I don’t think I could ever be ready for something like this. That big, cozy sweater is unraveling string by string and I am naked and exposed to what is underneath. A big sense of who I am and what I consider my life is about to come crashing down. Like it or not, I am entering a time in my life where the inevitability of losing both my children and possibly my parents is not too far away. No wonder I can’t sleep at night. No wonder I am battling depression and feeling moments of anxiety and panic. If I didn’t, what kind of person would I be?

They say you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge so even as I type these words, I feel a sense of relief. I have unscrewed the lid just enough to allow the pressure and air to slip out to survive another day with a peaceful heart and a gracious smile.

Can I change the future? No I can’t but I also can’t ruin the present by focusing only on what’s ahead. I must embrace, more than ever before, the blessings in my life right here and now. What do you think? Will you join me?

What Hurts The Most

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The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.Fernando Pessoa

Sad but true? What do you think?

Regret 

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Have you ever realized you were doing something awful and continued to do it anyway? Yeah, that happened to me tonight. I know it won’t do me any good to beat myself up about it but I am extremely angry with myself. How come it isn’t easier to stop something we know just isn’t right and is detrimental to ourselves and others? The worst part of the whole situation is I’ve done it over and over again for these last few days. I hope tomorrow brings better choices.

Is there something you do that you know you shouldn’t because it doesn’t leave you or anyone else around you in a positive place? I’d love to hear about it.

Fast Forward

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Down the rabbit hole. I could feel myself falling the other day. Slowly at first, feeing a little tired.  Motivation slowly slipping away as my desire to do anything but lay in bed is all that is left. The truth about depression is that it sneaks up on you when you aren’t expecting it. Everything seems to be going fine and then wham! It taps you on the shoulder and screams, I’m back! And so it is.

What I have learned is that I have to be patient. What swings one direction will eventually swing the other way. I dont know when or how but I do know it will happen and I take comfort in that knowledge. Inside I am dying, knowing time is slipping further and further away. Its like trying to hold water in my hands, it stays there for a little while then starts to seep away. There are some things you cannot hold onto no matter how hard you try.  All you can do is watch it fall away.

As my kids venture into 8th and 11th grade, I grieve for the young children who are lost somewhere back on the timeline that defines my life. I allow myself to be sad for the years that are gone and at the same time, remind myself there is still so much to look forward to. It’s just so difficult to understand how they grow up so fast, in the blink of an eye. That’s how time seems anyway, like there is some point in a lifetime where the years seem to be stuck in fast forward and the pause button doesn’t work anymore. That is where I am right now, on fast forward, banging and screaming on life to slow down but it just keeps going. And so it is like so many other things just are. What can I do but try and breathe and be grateful for each day as it comes? I need to remind myself not to take a single second for granted. I can’t hold onto it but I don’t have to miss it because I’m so preoccupied with the past or apprehensive about the future. Be in the moment the best you can and don’t grasp for something that is impossible to hold. Live, love and then love even more.

Can You Answer This Honestly ?

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Jennifer Pastiloff posted a question on Facebook. What’s one old/ bad story you tell yourself that you want to get rid of ?

Believe it or not there was a common theme in response to this. I was amazed at how many people chose the same two beliefs.

I am not good enough

I don’t deserve to be loved

Isn’t it amazing how alone we sometimes feel when there are so many people who feel exactly the same way we do? Why is it we don’t feel like we are good enough? Why do we feel we have to be more than who we really are? Why can’t we see how unique and special each one of us really is?

My next question is how in the world do we come to the thinking that we are not worthy of love? What happens to our self esteem that makes us feel so unworthy, so unlovable? The truth is, the capacity to love is endless. There is so much to give and so much to take. Just reach out and grab a hold of it. It is right there waiting. You are worthy of love, we all are.

Stolen Moments

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You may not see it, but I know it is there

It is a shadow that I cannot escape, creeping closer when I turn away

It taps me on the shoulder but I do not dare turn my head

If I look it in the eyes it will consume me til we are one and the same

I keep moving but still it follows, closer and closer

I can feel myself fading into its darkness

It feels so empty, removed and I’m comfortable there

There are no concerns, no worries

Nothing can touch me there, not a single thing going on in this circus of a world

Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore

I sleep and sleep while depression tightens it’s hold

It wraps it’s arms snuggly around me and I settle in, sinking lower

A place to escape where I am safe from the intensity, the pain, the fighting

A place to rest until I am strong again 
Earier today I heard about someone who took his own life. Depression is a scary thing and it can rob people of the precious time they are meant to spend living and feeling happy. If you know someone with depression reach out. Show them compassion and kindness. Be the hope that has become dim. The world can be a lonely place. Be a loving embrace, a kind word, an understanding heart. Be the light when someone is trapped in the dark. It’s the smallest things that can make the biggest difference. Be that difference.

Stop the Bus

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Its almost 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon and I haven’t seen a single soul. Growing up, I used to look forward to Sunday’s. After my mom survived her bout with cancer, everyone used to come for dinner in the afternoon. We didn’t have to beg people to be there. We wanted to be there.  Sunday’s were about rest, church and family time period. How did my life spin so depressingly out of control that I have lost these things in my adult life? Somewhere along the way I hopped on a bus going the wrong direction and I can’t seem to get back to the station. Sunday is just another day for a company to make an extra buck. That is where my husband is today. He doesn’t want to be there, it doesn’t come down to a choice. My son is still in bed probably from texting all night long and my daughter hasn’t bothered to come home yet after sleeping at a friends house. So here I am, feeling a little sad for myself because I am all alone. I know you are probably thinking that I allowed all of this to happen and in a way you are probably right. The older I get though, the more I realize I cannot control the actions of others no matter how hard I try. In fact, the more I try, the further they seem to slip away. I am stuck in this sad little place between what life used to be and what it is today. I can’t get off the bus no matter how much I want to. The world is changing and I don’t even recognize the station anymore. Maybe there isn’t one. We live in a world where we are consumed by anything and everything except people. I’m riding the bus alone surrounded by people who are there but will never see me because they are just too busy to ever look up. I miss the simpler days that seem so far away. I miss when friends got together because they were not consumed by there child’s year round sports schedule. I miss when kids used to get together in the summer to spend the day at a pool instead of playing video games and Facetiming each other. I miss the days extended families would plan summer picnics and spend the day eating hotdogs and tossing water balloons. These kind of days have been retired, expired I guess and I don’t have any energy left to fight and try and get them back. So for now, I will sit on this swing alone looking at my empty pool and try and pretend that nothing’s wrong. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe…

A Somber Mood

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Today I feel like Debbie Downer. I’m so uncomfortable in my skin. I want to escape but I’m stuck with this awful attitude with no way to change it. The good part I guess is that I am just plain uncomfortable feeling this way. I dread to think what kind of life I’d have if this was my normal. There’s always a silver lining I guess, if we look hard enough. Mine is that this will all blow through and I will be my old self again very soon. With each new day, there is the promise of something better.

What do you do that helps pull you through a difficult day?