I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to lead a happy life without making necessary decisions. Every day we are faced with many choices and I believe it is our response to those choices that determines if we are happy and balanced or pessimistic and miserable. I am not talking about choices such as future spouse, or career , I am talking about the daily choices that determine how each and every day is played out.
I like to please. It is in my nature to make sure everyone around me is happy and their day goes as smoothly as possible. I’ll even go as far to admit that I make choices today that will make their lives better and easier a week from now or a year from now. It sounds noble when my ego examines the situation and makes me out to be some sort of super hero. The truth though, is every time I say yes to someone else, I say no to myself. Before I know it, I’ve become angry, bitter, fat, lazy and worst of all, resentful.The ego tells me to blame everyone around me for being so selfish and not appreciating the self sacrificing effort I make day in and day out for the people around me that supposedly love me. Then, my ego has me right where he wants me. I become the victim and a pathetic prisoner of the the demeaning voice in my head that tries to beat me down.
Today, I have realized that I have to choose to break the pattern. I have to say no to everyone around me, especially my ego that doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all. I have to say no to driving people around and cleaning and dropping everything to look something up for someone or help them study for a test they didn’t prepare for at all by themselves. I have to start saying yes to myself. I get on the right track, really I do. And then, when I start to feel really good about myself, the ego attacks. What’s worse, is I fall for the ploy every time. You selfish, self- satisfying, spoiled girl…have you forgotten about the family you are responsible for and supposed to take care of? How dare you go to yoga and sit for hours in Starbucks to drink coffee and blog, isn’t there a house you should be cleaning or a meal you should be making?
The self sabotage is what frustrates me the most. It’s a push and pull tug of war that handcuffs me to my fate of repeating the same patterns over and over so I never get a chance to get further ahead. It’s progress, self- sabotage, backwards slide, defeat, depression, guilt, then resentment that keeps me spiraling in the wrong direction. I even believe I see it happening and I go about it like I have no control. I know the order and I know the pattern and today I am making better choices. I am leaving this filthy house behind me and going back to my favorite little yoga place that offers me peace and quiet and a place to dispose of all the junk I have accumulated in my mind. Then, I am going to sit out by the pool and feel the warmth of the sun as I read a few chapters in the book I’ve been neglecting. Then, somewhere and someway I will miraculously find the time to do everything I left behind and do it all quicker and more efficiently than if I would have planned my entire day around my senseless and never ending to do list.
Let me be a lesson to all who read this today. Saying yes to yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. You, and you alone are responsible for your own happiness and the energy you carry around with you infects everyone you come in contact with and affects every environment you encounter. Use that energy responsibly. Make sure it’s good and positive and find somewhere safe to leave the negative garbage you need to dispose of. Don’t recycle the bad, just recycle the good.