Sometimes I have some pretty specific plans but life changes them. I am sitting here in my car that won’t start frustrated that I cannot do the things I need to do today. My niece has a birthday on Thursday and I brainlessly sent her gift to Oklahoma instead of Pennsylvania so the first thing on my list was mailing her package. The second was food shopping because I avoided the dreaded task all weekend and now I am left stranded with no dinner plan. I feel like this often…stuck and forced to deal with the situation that has been handed to me. They say you can learn a lot about yourself by the way you react to situations like this and I am not reacting at all. That is one thing about depression that sometimes comes in handy. You don’t really want to do the things you have to do anyway so when you can’t do them it’s almost bittersweet. Usually my husbands truck is here but that along with his car, is sitting in his parking lot at work so I’ll just sit here for now without the need to ponder what I will do next because there is nothing that I can do. Do you ever feel stuck? What do you do about it? How do you react?
This silly belief that we are not good enough is enough to put our entire lives on hold. I pass up the opportunity to step into my own skin and do exactly what I am meant to do because of this deep seated fear that I just cannot do it. What if this and what if that takes over the logical side that quietly whispers, you’ve got this, let’s do this thing and let’s do it NOW. The years are blowing by like 90 mph winds and I am standing there holding on for dear life instead of letting go. Time to fly, time to move, time to get going to wherever it is I want to go. That is the secret I think. To ask the question, what do I really want and pick up my feet to move in that direction. One small step after another is all it takes to finally get close enough to grasp what is eagerly waiting for me to hold on to and finally have the courage to sit back and enjoy the ride. Thoughts are so limiting but our dreams and ambitions and gifts are limitless. How can anyone possibly fail when they step into a role that is a perfect fit for their very own soul? What have you passed up because you are simply too afraid to take a chance?
I suppose life is like riding an elevator. Sometimes we hit the very bottom and sometimes we are at the top of the world. Regardless, everyday we stop at a different floor. I have been stuck at the bottom. I stood there foolishly never realizing all I had to do was push the button. Only I could get that silly elevator moving and the power was in my hands the entire time.
I am happy to report my elevator is going up. It’s moving slowly but it’s also moving steadily. Yesterday and today I have been in a much better place mentally. I am starting to feel like my old self. It’s hard to admit when I’ve fallen into an unhealthy place but it’s also necessary to talk about. We always assume we are the only ones going through a particular funk and often we are embarrassed about it. It’s easier to hide it from the rest of the world and deny the problem exists. The truth is, there is a whole world of support waiting to help but only if we have the courage to admit we need help.
What floor is your elevator on? How are you feeling today? There is power in knowing that each stop is only temporary. That elevator will start moving again and eventually you will end up in a better place. The ride sometimes takes longer than we’d like it to but at least being stuck is only a condition in our mind and isn’t really our destination after all.
I stumbled across this quote today and the words seemed to scream at me as my eyes struggled to make sense of them all together in one sentence. I know in my life, I am often stuck between moving forward or starting over in something I initially failed at. Each time I make another attempt, my mind has already accepted defeat. I believe I get so caught up in initiation or end goal, that the enjoyment, or steps to get from one place to the other get blurred out of the equation. It is like that movie Ground Hog Day. I have to wake up and relive every day over and over because I stubbornly insist on doing things exactly the same way. How can I expect a different result if I keep sticking to the same equation? That is what is so frustrating for me. I already know this, so why do I waste time trying to kid myself in believing this time will be different?
I thought it was worth giving this reoccurring dilemma some time and thought. Maybe, now that it is in writing, it will serve as a reminder for me to still believe in achieving my goals. Only this time, the steps in between need to find new territory, a new path that I haven’t discovered until now. That old path is rugged, monotonous, and discouraging. Looking forward to the new path that lies somewhere ahead. I think the first step must be the one in my mind and then maybe, just maybe I will find my way.