Nature offers an escape from the noise. The reality that we are all connected cradles me as I sit on the grass. We create an energy that is sometimes too painful to endure. I sink back. My sigh is like the whisper of the gentle breeze that tickles my skin. Let them go I say to myself as the sun illuminates the ripples on the water that are racing toward me. I imagine they are my thoughts running through my mind and I watch them flow by me. I stare as the creases on the surface glide past my weary body. There are children yelling in the background. All the noise hitting my soul as it longs for some quiet, some peace. Solitude is a rare gift. My husband wraps up the sandwich that is leftover. Every crinkling sound reminding me of the agitation in the world I desperately try and leave behind. A fish jumps in the distance. There are two ducks floating on the surface of the water as the current moves underneath them. Be like the ducks I tell myself. Float above the chaos. Find your place of peace and ignore what is happening underneath the surface. I am reminded that peace is not a destination. I center myself and I close my eyes as the warmth of the sun rejuvenates my desperate skin. I am calm and I rejoice in this moment. My reminder goes off. There’s somewhere else I need to be but I will take a piece is this place with me. I sigh again as I walk to my car only this time it is a sigh of relief. I am grounded again and ready to waltz back into the crazy with grace. I breath it all. Yes, I am ready.
I decided to take a small break as I got down on my belly on my paddleboard today. I just rested there for a moment, eye level with the water as it danced and sparkled from the reflection of the sun. I was at total peace as that board slid effortlessly across the water. It occurred to me how different I might feel if I was submerged in the water and swimming along. In life we have a choice to fight the circumstances placed in front of us or to just go with the flow. I’ve spent years fighting and battling things I would never be able to change. It was exhausting and discouraging and sent me into a depression I’ll never forget. When we learn to breathe and relax something magical happens. When we trust that we are safely on the board untouchable by what lies beneath, we find the balance we need to glide on through. Resistance is a tough thing. The more we try and fight it the more resistance we create.
Today try and float. No struggle. No resistance. Just flow.
I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. They say the garden only grows in places you water it. I think the worst part about depression is there is always a drought. You have a minuscule amount of water, so you have to pick and choose where you sprinkle it. You have to conserve as much water as you can while still making sure everything in your garden is growing strong. Do you clean the house or get out of bed and get dressed? You seriously have to choose which one is more important that day. As you feel yourself plummeting further and further, you have no choice but to let some things wither away and all you can do is stand there and watch. It’s not your choice, you’re too darn tired to do anything else.
I have the most beautiful rose bushes outlining my back yard. With the extreme amount of heat we’ve been having combined with my extreme fatigue, I haven’t walked out back in quite some time. I thought I could see the shape of my bushes changing. Deep down I knew they were being swallowed up by that fungal disease that makes them drop all their leaves but instead of doing something about it, it was easier to just not go outside. My hose was empty and if I didn’t look, I didn’t see.
I walked out there today and I became furious with myself. Just like my own garden, my own self was suffering. I felt so sorry for those innocent roses. They were counting on me to take care of them and I let them down. How could I take care of them, take care of my family AND take care of me? Mind over matter, that’s how. I did my best to trim them back and spray something to kill the disease but now I’m drained, not a single drop of water left. Every ounce of energy I had is gone and it’s not even 2:00. Insomnia kept me company most of last night and if I go to sleep now, tonight will be an unfortunate repeat of last night.
I hate depression. It’s the first thing in my life I haven’t been able to fight. And the guilt? Depressed about what? For the most part, I really have a great life. So how could I possibly feel this way? It not only affects me but also everyone else that lives around me.
Don’t ever sneer at someone for having a depressing tone or depression period. Its not a performance or sporting event and it surely doesn’t need your judgement. It’s hard to know what anyone else is going through and the worst thing you can can do to somebody with depression is put them down or make them feel even more guilty then they already do. We get that you don’t understand but do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do for anyone, depressed or not, is to be kind and offer to lend patience and a supporting hand. We are all connected and we need to start acting that way.
I’m sitting here watching the waves gracefully roll on the shore and effortlessly return back to where they started. Ebb and flow, the natural way things are meant to be. We cannot force the water to stay one place or the other, it is constantly changing and constantly flowing, but it doesn’t stop us from trying to be in control. I watch as young boys run into the water. There bodies collide with the wave and the force of the collision knocks them down. That’s what happens when we go against the current, when we decide to fight what is and inflict our own will. We can spend our whole lives fighting to swim upstream. Eventually , when we become tired enough, we lose the fight and collapse in exhaustion. Eventually, our need to control and manipulate becomes lost somewhere in the years we will never get back. We bitch and complain about things instead of embracing the inevitable and unavoidable change that no place or person will ever be strong enough to stop.
Be like water. Flow. Enjoy your life. Embrace the change. Surrender to each moment and allow it all to just pass through. Go where the wind blows and eventually you will end up exactly where you want to be.