When You Can’t Find Your Voice Anymore

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Sadly, I am learning the result of accommodating everyone in my life. I have spent so many years trying to keep the peace and make everyone else happy that finally I have lost my own voice. I cannot even hear it anymore and I can’t help but wonder if it even tries to speak. Everything has become a negotiation. Just this morning I wanted the family to go for breakfast and everyone had an attitude or conditions. Being a mom is not always easy and often times it is downright hurtful. I wait all week for a tiny slice of time for us to be together but someone always throws a stick in the spoke until the bike has a tragic accident. It’s broken and today I feel sad and broken but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I will go out and do something that makes me feel good. The others can stay home and be in good company with their cell phones, computers, attitudes and conditions and I will simply carry on. No sense throwing myself in the middle and crying victim. I am in charge of my own destiny and sometimes it is necessary to leave everyone behind and follow on my own path. As for being a woman, I have to stop using that as an excuse. I swear it is almost innate to make everyone feel important and included but you know what I’ve realized? It’s necessary to include myself in that behavior as well. Time to find my voice and make it strong again. Time for some conditions of my own. Time to make some changes starting right now. Wish me luck.

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Woman Are Apples, Men Are Bananas

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A funny thing happened today that reminded me how different men and woman really are, how different people are. We were at my daughters swim meet and my husband was trying to tell me something pretty important. He is important. What he has to say is important but the reality is 24 kids swim an event and only 16 advance to the finals and I couldn’t put the meet on pause. He got frustrated when I wasn’t looking at him and mid-sentence he started saying things like “and then he hit me with an ax and I started to bleed and….” I cut him off and told him I could hear every word he was speaking to me while I watched three heats of 8 kids swim, tabulated the times to see who would advance while listening to fans screaming in my ears and all at the same time paying attention to every detail. The fact is woman multi task. Seldom do we focus on any one thing at a time. Our minds are always racing while at the same time, we are performing several tasks simultaneously. I told him if I ever do stare at him while he is talking, I am either sleeping with my eyes open or meditating but definitely NOT listening. That is when he shared with me that if he is not looking directly at me when I talk and doing nothing else then he probably isn’t listening to a single word. No wonder he never hears me when he is driving or on his computer.

We learn something new every single day, even when we don’t think there’s anything more to learn about the person we love. The fact is men and women are just different and there would be a lot less frustration if we could really come to terms to that simple fact. We think different, we act different and eventually, like it or not, we learn to adapt.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Night Sweats and Insomnia

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Okay, I get it. I’m in my 40s, but I am so tired! It is absolutely awful, laying in bed watching the clock flip from 1:00, 2:00…. and eventually 3:24. That seems to be my new magic number. Don’t reread the last line, you read it right. Who the heck can function on 3 hours of sleep a night? And further
more, what is it about 3:24 that releases me from the horror of not being able to fall asleep in the first place. A few weeks ago, I woke up to my very first night sweat. What the heck was that all about? I almost woke up my husband to feel my shirt. Boy did I not see that coming! What a relief though that being soaked actually ended up being what finally cooled me off after the last few weeks of tossing covers off and turning the heat down at night. Then, after everyone leaves in the morning, cranking up the heat and adding an extra blanket to the 2 that are already on my bed. I guess this is the start of that M word that so many of my older friends have talked about while I sat quietly chuckling to myself. Well guess what? It’s not so funny after all. Will I ever be able to fall asleep before 3 am again? I don’t know how much longer I can function as the zombie I’ve become. And, what’s worse is I am starting to talk like I have severe brain trauma…juggling my words up, turning the wrong way, and forgetting where I was going in the first place. And leaky bladder…really. Can someone come up with a solution because sometimes I have to sneeze, or laugh, or jump, or blink, or yeah, you get the point! I thought there would be a party, a rite of passage, or a sign in my front yard with the words: Welcome to your 40’s, sit back, strap on depends and enjoy your new, hot, sleepless peri menopausal ride.

I can see my mother rolling her eyes as she thinks these words in her head, Why does she she have to tell everyone her business? Shouldn’t some things be too personal to share? Well mom, what I say to that is this, YOU didn’t tell me what to expect. In fact, no one did. Most of my information comes from the Internet and its times like these that make me very grateful for technology. I have really been wondering if I’m crazy lately. I know about weight gain around the middle, mood swings, tearing up frequently, and incontinence but tinnitus and internal shaking? That I didn’t know. I have been thinking I am reaching a new stage in enlightenment and yet it’s been peri menopausal symptoms all along. The headaches are a real trip. There are some days I physically hold my head when I try to walk because even the slightest movement is excruciating. The night sweats are increasing and the ringing in my ears is sometimes too much noise for me to stand. I have stopped watching tv because I am trying to find some sort of place of quiet. How the heck can I remove my ears from my already pounding head? I bet even David Copperfield cant pull that one off. So, I am telling you this because nobody told me. At least not the whole story. This is from an article that had the most comprehensive list of symptoms I could find. I hope you learn something new. I know I sure did! You may notice I added my two cents if you see this symbol *

These are the common signs and symptoms of peri menopause:

-Migraine headaches
-anxiety
-loss of energy (overwhelmed by steps and planning of basic activities/outings) *Explains why food shopping and meal planning are so exhausting for me
-hot flashes (lasting a few seconds to hours, while sleeping is called night sweats)
-chills & shivers ( may shiver for hours)
-hot flashes & chills in rapid succession or together e.g. hot face, body chills *Thought this was from hot yoga 😦
-dizzy, cloudy *Phew! Explains why I can’t remember where I am going!
-heavy head
-changes in menstrual cycle ( shorter periods of longer periods e.g. 3 weeks late )
-PMS symptoms all the time *One of my favorites!
-new allergies or sensitivities
-sensitive skin/crawly skin ( feels like an army of ants marching just under skin surface)
-prickly hands
-itchy scalp and face, tingling lips
-toothache (often in mid-cycle)*This one was really a surprise and I have it!
-humming or buzzing in ears ( may sound like low frequency buzzing or electrical power line humming)*Note to self…not enlightenment!
-lightheadedness, vertigo ( dizziness, inner ear disturbance)*Do not spin in Kundalini class. You will regret it!
-heightened sense of smell, stuffy nose & sinuses *I swear I smell the yoga room all the time!
-changes in vision *Cant see the dose or directions on a pill bottle:(
– tired legs, lower back pain, achy joints *Exactly why I am extremely motivated to run until I stand up!
-fluctuating interest in sex
– heart palpitations ( heart beat speeds up suddenly for few seconds then back to normal)
-irritability, mood swings , anxiety ( anxiety worth mentioning again since some women think they are seriously ill until they begin to understand their perimenopause symptoms)
-loss of confidence, depression, feelings of isolation
-difficulty remembering things *What was I writing about?
– thinning scalp hair
-weight gain ( be kind to yourself and put the scale away at least for a little while since the 5lbs you suddenly gained may just be water retention and may go away as quickly depending on where you are in your cycle)*Another favorite 😦 Like we can’t see the weight if we don’t step on the scale? I’m gonna fight this one! Explains why when I asked my daughter if I could be bikini ready in 3 weeks she said, “That depends, are you planning on eating?”

There you have it. I am traveling the road of peri menopause. Next stop, Menopause Lane. Oh boy! I can hardly wait! I am also looking for travel companions. Let me know if you’d like to come along!

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