This site is about everything from my philosophy on life to the little things that make me laugh. IIt is about living, and breathing, and pausing long enough to take it all in. I hope it makes you laugh, sometimes makes you cry, but always makes you want to come back for another visit. It is your words, and your likes that inspire me to keep writing. And it is through my writing that you have a very large window to my soul. Relax awhile, read, and enjoy!
Life as we must know it will be starting up in just two more days. One major flaw I have is allowing myself to get caught up in a sea of stress. I waste countless, precious moments lost in thoughts of dread that usually doesn’t amount to anything more than the worry anyway. Why is it so hard to relax and take each day as it comes instead of losing days worrying about what may or may not happen at all? The worst part of all is worrying doesn’t stop it from happening, make it go away or do anything I consider productive at all. It just makes me miserable with eventually causes me to completely freak out. This year I will do less thinking and more distracting my thoughts. I would rather be addicted to solitaire and yahtzee than to stay awake with my fabricated, terrifying thoughts. I think I will model Forrest Gump and run away until I’m so far ahead that my thoughts will never catch up.
Today is a clean slate. When we leave yesterday behind and we allow tomorrow to begin tomorrow, today offers so much hope. Today is whatever you want it to be. The question is, what do you want it to be?
My mantra for today: Today I will be still. I will allow the things I cannot change to flow through so they do not cling to me. I will make a choice to let them go and trust that everything is okay the way it is in this moment.
I think it’s time for us to finally break up. We have tried to make this relationship work for a long time now and it just doesn’t feel good anymore. I have stuck by you and all the while you have dragged me down. You’ve become almost an obsession for me and I don’t know where you end and I begin. Maybe it’s time you leave and find someone who will welcome you. There is a better partner for you out there somewhere but I am not the one. You have wasted enough of my time and I want to feel the freedom again of being on my own. I want to experience life without you by my side tainting my perception of every experience. I want to stand alone and see how it feels to take that first step without you holding me back. There comes a time for everything and this is the time we must part. I want a partner that makes me feel happy and alive and confident that everything will be okay. You are not that one. I know that now. Pack your bags, go away and never try to force yourself back into my life. I’m done. We’re done. It’s time to start a new life without you in it. Are you listening? Just go.
Do you want to learn something about yourself? Are you ready to take an honest look at the kind of person you really are? Ask yourself this question or if you have the nerve, ask your most honest friend and family member this question.
What do I stir up?
The answer might surprise you. Is it happiness, laughter, joy, deeper thinking, calmness, fear, panic, negativity, worry, confidence, healing, pain, inspiration, blame, motivation, hope, doom and gloom, anger, trouble, conflict, peace?
Oh my God, is school really starting next week? What if the new teachers are terrible? What if the class load is just too much? What if my kid doesn’t make the team?
This is what millions of mothers are probably thinking these days. We love to worry, it’s in our nature. Why is it, there is so much panic as our kids go back to school? I say, what if this is the best year yet? What if the kids teachers are exactly who they need? It’s hard not to get caught up in the rush of worry that spreads like wildfire as the days of summer vacation wind down and our need to worry about what might happen winds up. Leave it alone. Don’t dwell on the what ifs that cause you to lose hours of sleep. Kids are so much tougher than we give them credit for and if they aren’t losing sleep, why should we? Take a deep breath. It’s just another new year of school. It’s going to be fine, just wait and see.
Sometimes I get this feeling of dread. I don’t always talk about it because in the eyes of the world my feelings would be judged in a negative way. The truth is I don’t really care. One thing I am is honest to the point. Often times that gets me in trouble but I would rather bluntly speak the truth than appease those around me with a misrepresentation of the truth or a lie. So, the truth is, sometimes I need a mini vacation from being a mom. It’s no secret that I have stayed home to be the best, most present mom that I can actually be. I am lucky and blessed to have this opportunity, but it has also made me a prisoner to the role. The responsibility, the worry, the personal failures I feel when something is not going right in my kids lives is excruciating. Sometimes I want a day that I don’t need to know who needs to go where, when they need to go, and I don’t want to have to be the one to drive them. I need a day that I am not dreading checking the school online site to see who handed their work in and who got a good or bad grade. I don’t want to spend hours each night awake wondering if my kids have the skills they need to get through each chapter of their lives or whether the lack of communication that often happen between parent and teen is enough for them to come to me if something is really wrong.
It sounds awful I know. I know this because sometimes I try to vent to my mom and she tells me it’s awful. That’s just what moms do, react and judge. Maybe because we are so solely responsible and connected that we take things so very personally. I can hear her thinking, “what a shame, I never felt that way.” I think its easy to forget these feelings when we look back on our role as a mom as a whole. We forget the hard and challenging times, because in the end, more times than not, they are outweighed by the good. But, these are my feelings and are buried so deep inside begging to be let out. I realize it is okay to admit I need some mental time to relieve me of the burden of being in charge of everyone’s schedule, everyone’s dilemma, everyone’s needs. Sometimes, I just need to be me. That me I was when I was only responsible for my own actions, schedule, successes and failures. When I didn’t hold myself personally responsible for the weight of the world but just my own 120 pounds. It gets heavy, and exhausting, and discouraging and harder every year that goes by. Am I the only person in the world, parent in the world that feels this way? I highly doubt it. But everywhere I look moms are playing the part of pretending being a mom is the best thing since apple pie. Truth is, some days it really is. Those other days though, when we are broken inside it would be so nice to know there is someone else in the world feeling the exact same way too…tired, overwhelmed, anxious about the future, and defeated. Am I the only one? I guess I will never actually know because it is so taboo to speak in such a way. No one loves their kids more than I do. I thank God for them every single day. Somedays though, like today, I just need a little relief from the responsibility that comes along with loving two people more than anything else in the whole world. For wishing that they find success in everything they do or healthy coping mechanisms to deal with their failures, challenges and obstacles. I need to stop worrying about them growing up in a difficult and changing world filled with a different set of accepted morals and values than I grew up in. I need to let go of the worry that life will pass them by while they are distracted by texting and twerking and growing up way faster than I ever had to. I need to stop worrying that the absence of consequences all around them when it comes to schoolwork or behavior will not overcome my lessons of personal accountability when it comes to their school work, personal choices, and actions. I need to just stop worrying…for a minute, and hour, just for a little bit of time. But then again, I am mom, and that’s just what we do.