Death. It’s everywhere I look this week. I just flew home on a plane from my father in laws memorial service. In the blink of an eye, a life is over. As I was exiting the plane I overheard a conversation between two men in the seat next to me. “Yeah, I just flew home three weeks ago to bury my dad and today I am back to say goodbye to my mom”.
Death evens the score. It reminds us that the ending is the same regardless of how life begins or how we roll through the middle. Doesn’t matter if we are rich or poor, happy or sad. Time eventually runs out and all we can do is sit and wait.
My cat is dying. She is wasting away before my eyes. An animal who was once so fearful of leaving the house just wants to sit outside. I am out here with her fighting back tears that are too strong to contain. I let them dampen my face. It’s been a humbling week. One that will stay with me for quite a while. It’s a peaceful night. Except for the sound of a bird chirping, all I can hear is the gentle flow of the wind. Let it blow through I remind myself. The pain, the regrets, the fear…so many questions. What have I done with the time I’ve been given? Have I loved enough? The cat sits at my feet and the unspoken words between us are too painful to explain. I know and she knows and we just sit here quietly side by side. Have I lived my own life like this silly cat? Have I too stared out the window too afraid to walk outside? I wonder if it’s a message, a lesson that she leaves for me so that maybe one day I can feel the same freedom she feels here tonight. I’ve had this cat for as long as I can remember. I’ve had her longer than my 15 year old son. She started out in Texas and made the move to Indiana and Oklahoma. She was my constant companion through every move. She was a quiet presence of strength and love.
Death is a creeper. I feel it in the shadows as I struggle to make peace with it. It’s been a long couple of days and I am feeling really tired. Maybe tonight I will get some sleep. For now, I will sit with sweet Jimgles a little bit longer. I want this moment to linger. Maybe, just for now, time will stand still and let me enjoy her a few minutes longer. Maybe this last night is all we have. There’s no way to ever know.
There is a very good reason parents are not meant to have a baby during middle age. The older I get, the more I actually sleep because I need to and not because it’s something I’ve been conditioned to do.Before you jump to any conclusions, I am not planning on having another baby. Now that my kids are older and don’t need me much anymore, I have been feeling a gaping hole in my heart only to be filled by feeling loved and needed once again.
I don’t have any idea why I even let myself do it but when my daughter told me a friend was giving away free kittens, some gravitational pull dragged my car in the exact location of those sweet little creatures and I just couldn’t help myself. I spent all night with her next to me in bed watching her like a protective mom should do and today I am totally exhausted. Yes I swore I would never bring another animal into this house but I guess in my older age, I am becoming a softy. So this is our new addition, who by the way, still doesn’t have a name. Any suggestions? Right now, we call her puppy.
Kiddy Rock died today. Several years ago, my brother brought a cat home from college. Kids were abusing her and he felt the need to go on a rescue mission. That cat never left my mothers house again. The truth is, I never really liked the cat. She would stand underneath every step you tried to take until you gave her what she finally wanted. She never stopped meowing and I have to admit she was really annoying. Today though, I surprisingly shed a few tears for her. Like most of us, she just wanted to be seen and heard. Don’t we all want attention? The difference is that cat didn’t have too much pride to demand the attention she craved. Most of us feel the same loneliness and yearning for love that she did. Why are we so selfish with what we can give? Why is it so hard to love people the way they want to be loved and give them our time and attention? Why does it take losing a person or a pet to realize how crappy we were to them in the time they were in our lives? My son loves that cat. We were just home a few weeks ago and I heard my mother ask who put a towel out by the front door? I knew it was him so she had something soft and warm to lay on. His heart is enormous and his heart will be broken. We should all love someone or something that much. We should all be so kind. Do it. Start today. Be kind. Pay attention to those people in your life who are craving your attention. Love them today while you still can because tomorrow is never promised.
My new addiction is playing solitaire on my iPhone. One thing the game has taught me is it is crucial to know when you still have a move left and when it’s time to throw in the towel. The mind is such a controlling, manipulative device and you have to control it or it will take over and control you.
Last night, one of our rabbits busted loose and I was devastated. This is the second time this week but this time was much different because the dog ran after her causing her to run faster and further than ever before. It was dark and despite my husband and daughters best effort, the situation appeared to be hopeless. I was sick inside. What would happen to that little rabbit out in the wild? My mind created all kinds of terrible scenarios. I was tired but the thought of her out there was robbing me of much needed sleep.
Around ten last night, they decided to give it another go. Much to my surprise, Kayleigh walked into my room holding the rabbit. My mind was convinced we would never see that bunny again. I can’t help but wonder how many times I have given up on something because my thoughts led me to believe I was out of moves. How many times did I walk away and quit because I didn’t believe I had a chance to attain a goal? I know now that I have to be more open to possibilities. Often times, it may look like the game is long over but in reality there are still plenty of moves.
Lessons come in all forms and from many sources. I am grateful that a simple game of solitaire enlightened me in such a profound way and I am grateful that adventurous rabbit is safe and sound.
Today my heart got a fantastic workout without ever having to move my body. Oh, those rabbits will be the death of me. I put Puff Daddy outside in the pen so I could clean his cage. I checked on him quite a few times and he seemed to be fine until….the pen was empty. I tried hard not to panic as I ran out the door staring at the pen. There wasn’t a hole and at this point he was much to big for the crows to carry away. The only thing I can figure is that he has finally worked hard enough to complete the stunt he has practicing in the living room. I’ve really enjoyed watching him jump in the air while performing a 90 degree turn. I’ve spent many a night giggling at him as he races around. All I can figure is that he finally managed to jump high enough to get out of his pen. I felt dizzy standing there shaking from nerves wondering what in the world would I tell the kids? Do I just break it to them bluntly and hope they get over it or do I concoct some story making myself out to be the victim? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a streak of white moving in the corner where the backyard fence meets the house. Luckily for me, Puff Daddy hasn’t figured out he can easily fit through the spaces and was happily hopping along.
My advice? Don’t ever get a rabbit! Go to a petting zoo instead. Your house will smell a lot better and you won’t have to consider taking anxiety medication.
I have discovered over the last few years that my reaction to what life throws at me shows me the real truth about my character. It’s so easy to see how crazy other people can act yet sometimes it’s impossible to see it in myself. It took a long time to recognize what bothered me about others, especially how they reacted to and handled particular situations was exactly what I was embarrassed about in myself. I am an over reactor by nature. I grew up that way and for years I have focused on undoing the straight jump to panic mode and doom and gloom. Believe me, I’m not quite there yet but I am much calmer and more collected than I used to be. Thank goodness I guess because this came in very handy last night when I discovered my rabbit Puff was not a female. I do not have two female bunnies after all but rather the unfortunate circumstance of having one of each. What can I possibly do now anyway? It’s much too late to worry about that now. The ongoing Facebook joke is my rabbits are no longer Cocoa and Puff, they are now Cocoa and Puff Daddy. Very funny. The jokes on me .
Seriously, the bunny saga plays on. If any of you were telling this story, I might find it a little bit amusing but well, it’s my story.
So, yesterday I saved the bunnies from gigantic, black, man-eating crows and today? Are you sitting down? I have been hanging outside watching these adorable bunnies hop around their little pen, when all of a sudden, my dog, yes the tiny chihuahua dog, starts barking frantically. I look up to see a coyote standing in my yard and staring at my bunnies. I can’t take it anymore.
FREE BUNNIES! CAGE INCLUDED!
Sometimes, I don’t think we understand the responsibility that goes along with the word yes. When a man asks a woman to marry him, her mind races to a vision of flowing white and romance blossoming under soft, twinkle lights. She smiles as she sees the blur of a new married couple twirling around the dance floor and gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. With the vision fresh in her mind and hearts in her eyes, she blurts out YES! Yes, I will marry you. The problem is that she has no idea what that yes really means until the bus hits her head on as the reality sobers her back to the real world of bills, kids and a full time job.
I said yes to having bunnies the other day. The thought of holding their soft bodies in my hands as I lovingly stroked the back of their adorable ears was all I could see. What I didn’t realize was that the cage would cost a lot of money, I would be cleaning out poop and that those little stinkers would escape and leave their trail around my house for me to pick up. I didn’t realize the responsibility I would take on as if two kids, two dogs, a husband and cat weren’t already enough. My husband spent a good part of the day shopping for wire to reinforce the cage so finally they would stay put. He even built a small pen out back by the pool.
I’m not sure what motivated me to look outside when I did but there were six crows circling over the bunnies pen, cackling back and forth with one another. It was obvious they were planning a get away with my magic bunnies, only this time they would not be able to escape. Of course I had just come out of the shower so I threw on the first thing I could find and ran outside to grab them just in time. Yes, those nasty old crows we’re going to take my bunnies and I was to have no part of that.
I wasn’t thinking, really when I said yes. What I really meant was maybe, let me give this some more thought. Too late now. Lesson learned.
What is something you said yes to without considering the implications?
I will never get another animal, ever. I believe these were the words that came out of my mouth about a month ago. Here I am, a few weeks later with two adorable little bunnies wreaking havoc on my house. After spending a great deal of time duct taping the bottom of the cage, Houdini performed his magic and escaped again. He was even kind enough to leave us a trail so we could retrace his every step. He’s a thoughtful little bunny, don’t you think? I am ashamed I am being outsmarted by a little rabbit.
I have new names for my bunnies, Houdini and Copperfield. Upon waking up this morning, we were surprised to find that our new pets had escaped their cage. While we were running around like fools trying to catch them, one even got back into the cage with the doors closed shut. They have offered us much joy and laughter and it is only our first full day with them. Thank goodness we had some duct tape laying around. Let’s see how magical they are now. Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids.